The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018,,, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis



My heart beats so fast whenever you’re around.

My hands tremble, twisted together, bound.

The metal jingles around my head, the air is a mist of sweat.

Never thought I’d end up here, in this moment, a lost bet.

My legs look pretty red, wonder what it looks like from behind?

The stinging lingers, our souls sharing this single night of design.

We fade away once again, getting swept aside by pride.

When I said I’d say no next time, I’d be lying to say I tried.

Back here for more, your lips so softly placed upon mine.

Puts my mind in naughty places, is that such a crime?

Another night we tell ourselves will be the last.

We should know our time together has surpassed.

The rain falls above my head, the cold keeps me inside.

I’ll be looking outside though with a smile, always, waving goodbye.

You’ll be a memory that is cherished for the rest of my days.

Always a fond existence, a picture perfect transference of parting ways.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 1/18/2018,,, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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Endless Thoughts

These wooden chairs with the uncomfortable cushions I’m sitting in couldn’t even take away from this view. I don’t think anyone could take away these feelings of bliss and freedom that I feel so heavily in my heart right now. The sun rises into the sky and breaks through the clouds like a beautiful Monet painted for only a select few to witness. I feel so lucky.

Happiness with a dose of harmony never comes together for me at the same time in my life. Yes I truly believe there is a difference. Lately, it’s been changing in every area of my life though. Yet, all I’ve been finding in this unfiltered realm is this perfect combination. Nothing seems to be a barrier. Nothing is too small or too big to take on. I feel a sense of self satisfaction taking over. Taking moments to myself, and focusing on handing out individual attention sporadically has proven to be healthy for me. I don’t need to know everyone and everyone doesn’t need to know me.

I suppose it’s safe to assume everyone has dark, hidden kept secrets buried deep in their hearts. I know I do. I always have. I always will. I take a peek every now and then just to remind myself why it’s better up here on the surface. You see, I’m notorious for getting myself into deep water or just plain down right into some kind of trouble. This new outlook on life though has me looking at things a lot differently. What I can do ultimately to change into something better? Someone I like a little bit more…  I kinda like it here. This realm I’ve been blessed with. I think I’ll stay and camp out here for awhile. Take in the fresh air. Kick back and enjoy each and every one of my sunrises.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead,,, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video recommendation- James Arthur-Naked

Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead,,, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

The Realization That Set Her Free

She kept it in for so long trying to hang on to what she thought they could have had. They had nothing though, realistically. After it was all said and done he ended up walking out of her life anyways. All those feelings and the time she put in was a waste of effort and energy. She bit her tongue when all she wanted to do was tell him how he slowly tortured her by making her feel things down there. She wanted something from him. Just wasn’t sure what that was at the time. With time on her side this time, her eyes have been opened. Was it intentional on his part? Maybe not. Maybe so. If she had to guess she thinks he knew exactly what he was doing. For what? For a boost in his ego? If he didn’t, then how stupid was he not to notice that she was feeling the sexual vibes he was generating and sucking them into her skin. That’s neither here nor there. Did he just really walk away and throw away everything that reminded him of her? Did he really just throw her out like a piece of trash? Oooh, the hurt that sunk in her deep.

She hopes that one day he will look back and find a memory of her haunting him. Why? Simply because he hurt her, and on some level she wanted him to feel the same kind of hurt. She however, will never see him the same anymore. All those thoughts and fantasies have moved on to someone new. There will always be someone new, because like Halsey sings “I’m bad at love.” She never promised to give him any part of her body, but he could have taken her by storm so easily. The would be heated moments filled with sweat and positions unknown to most. She knows now how she was weak minded and didn’t have it in her the strength to say no, can anyone really blame her though? Never once did he put her in the position to discover all her cards she thought she was hiding so well. She knows now what it all meant. She’s bad at love you see, maybe he was too? In hindsight she could never treat him better than any other person out there. He is just like all the others that held her heart, dropping it, letting it shatter all over the floor. Leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He no longer has anything to offer her that she doesn’t already have. It’s irrelevant now. After all she has been through, she is now wrapped up and entangled into a twist with a new lover. Set out to discover this new world that she was scared of. Why was she ever scared? It seems to come so easy to her now. Oh how she was missing out.

Yes, he missed a golden opportunity of something he never thought he wanted. Or did he want it? He sheltered his feelings from her, holding back all that he thought was precious and one of a kind. Baby, she said, “I hate to break it down like this, but I found what I was looking for elsewhere”. She found herself on her own without the help she thought she needed from him. All that pent up lust she was feeling, the smoldering mist that covered her body, causing a trembling within and the anticipation for sure has been brought to the surface for her by someone else. Someone who took the chance. Something she thought would never be possible because the hold he had on her was so strong and not from this world. She realizes after all this time, she didn’t need his kisses, his hands around her throat, his fingers between her legs, or his self proclaimed unique experiences. She realized finally that she doesn’t need anyone. She can get these feelings with just about anyone. A realization that has set her and her soul free.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead,,, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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