Pandora’s Box

I stare down at you laying in my arms, my mind wonders off and lands in fantasy land. Your hand traces the outlines of all my curves, your lips wrap around my mouth, the taste so salty. You whisper things to me that makes my body tremble. You tell me a story, the one told hundreds of times before.

Yet you take me for a fool, you feed into my desires, playing on thoughts of forever. Do you touch yourself thinking of all the things you beg me to do that no one else can? Do you sit in your corner reminiscing all the paths we’ve been down, down, down? Hashing out what you can say to make me stay just one more time.

But, Oh baby I see through your lies, your lies, all the times you tripped me up, how stupid was I? You cover your eyes when I want to open mine. Yes it’s been lonesome baby, oh baby– but I see your lies, your lies.

Walking down the street, the light flickering off the poles so high up, a smoke screen. Like a Hollywood scene, my smile that kind of bright, and wearing my neon green fish net stockings with my high heels. I see you over there, I look away you stranger I see. You grab my hand pulling me back in with your kiss wrapping me in your reality once again. Why can’t you just stay away, my pandoras box, just stay away.

Yet you take me for a fool, you feed into my desires, playing on thoughts of forever. Do you touch yourself thinking of all the things you beg me to do that no one else can? Do you sit in your corner reminiscing all the paths we’ve been down, down, down? Hashing out what you can say to make me stay just one more time.

But, Oh baby I see through your lies, your lies, all the times you tripped me up, how stupid was I? You cover your eyes when I want to open mine. Yes it’s been lonesome baby, oh baby– but I see your lies, your lies.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, September 11th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

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The Rantings of a Lesbian

Did I really just name the title of my blog that? I must be setting myself up for failure before I even begin. Will christians read it? Will my neighbor who hides from me or others like my neighbors read it or do they fear of catching lesbianism? Why must we react to labels? I sit here and ask myself why the name allad, breshad, or any name that sounds middle eastern makes me think terrorist almost immediately. Yea, I said it. Why when I see someone speaking Spanish, not any other language, but Spanish I think immigrant? I’m conditioned to think “that bastard is here working a job that an American can work”, but you won’t see me complaining when the Spanish guy is cooking my baby back ribs from Chilis while I sip my el presidente margarita and talk to my friends about the latest craze or what color a freaking dress is. Or when the “mexicans” that are catering my lawn services because I’m too lazy to get my ass out there and do it myself. Oh, but lets build a wall. Is it because I have a tiny brain and can’t think for myself. No. It’s because that is what is outlined in our main stream media. Stereotypes that are given to people that aren’t like the norm. We listen to those on the radio, television, youtube videos, Facebook, Twitter. It begins with the actors and actresses, the comedians, the journalist, and goes as far as those that are in the government. I mean look at this last election. It was all about tearing each other down, who can get one up on the next.  It’s literally everywhere around us in the whole world. But what is normal? Why are we conditioned to think this way? It all comes down to hate. Hate is a strong word, but if you really think about it, everything about stereotyping comes down to being different and we hate different don’t we? It scares us. What happens when you’re different? What happens when you wear glasses, you get called four eyed. Or you can’t hear, and wear hearing aids and you talk funny, you get called slow? Or have a different skin color that’s not white you get called spick or nigger or chinese, or even a terrorist? Why are we labeling people? Why are we killing each other? Why must we hate each other because we are different? We preach everyday to our children it’s ok to be different, different is unique, all while in front of them putting the next person down. I am no cake walk. I have faults just like everyone else. When someone upsets me, I start playing on their insecurities. It’s what we are taught, an automatic defense mechanism. What insecurities you might ask? Anything that points out how in fact different they are. And it works. Every time. Like being different is a bad thing. When people do it back to me, I get angry as well. Why? Why does it have to be like this?

I happened to be scrolling on Facebook the other day watching all kinds of videos about Donald Trump. Some people were for him, some were against him. All I could ask myself was why are people still pitting themselves and others up against our president. He is the leader of our free world now. It’s over. Why are you still hanging him out to dry and coming up with stuff to make him look horrible to our people of this country and other countries? Even if he is in fact a horrible person, or is he? Do you personally know him and hang out with him? Instead of trying to figure out a way to work WITH him, you figure out ways to get other people on your bandwagon to… hate him. Why do people gobble this kind of news up and enjoy it? When does tearing someone down make for good entertainment? What are we teaching our next generation? One of the videos I watched was Bill Maher speaking about “the Don” not letting anything go. Yet, he still talks about Donald and his failures as an elect and now as our president. I didn’t hear one solution or even him say, Don lets meet up and go over some things I think we could change for the better of our country. What happened to working together through our differences? Yet, I couldn’t stop watching it. I found it fascinating. So am I a hypocrite? Damn straight I am. But, I want to change. I want others to change too. I want to know about what is going on in other countries, I want to know whats going on in streets of my cities in my own country as well. I want to know how to stop world hunger, I want to be able to listen to a celebrity or comedian or even our president and actually look up to them and be inspired by them. I want people to put the money where their mouth is. You say homelessness makes you sad, yet you do nothing about it, you just sit in your big fancy house with your maids, “mostly immigrants” and eat better and fresher food than I have even seen in my lifetime. You say how unfair it is that people don’t get paid minimum wage or that it should be higher here in the U.S. yet you send all your clothes and fashion industry things overseas to those that get paid next to nothing. Because it makes your richer. Am I stereotyping famous  or rich people here. Yes I am. Because you guys stereotype us regular folks and even each other and spin it off as entertainment. It doesn’t feel that great does it? To be called out by a “regular” not rich, not even famous person. Yea, I am calling you out on your shit and the crap you put out there for everyone to watch, and read. The things you put in our children’s mind.

Why is it I find that the people who give the most, have less? Those that are the most selfless are homeless, or don’t come from much? It’s because they know what it’s like to suffer, and they don’t want to share that fate with others. They see the pain behind the eyes of a child that didn’t get to eat dinner last night and had to go to bed hungry. But oh hey let’s start drug testing the parents that are on welfare like it’s the childs fault that the parents or parent made the decision to smoke a joint. A natural grown plant that has been scientifically proven to help people with seizures, bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, among many other diseases. Why won’t this become legal everywhere in the United States? Is it because “big pharm” will lose too much money? Why do we care about corporations making more money than we care about how the taxes from this revenue can bring about better education and even free College? When will we start caring about ourselves more instead of how to let the rich get richer?

Our children are suffering now, they are growing up in a world where it’s not ok to be different. Bullying is at an all time high, and teenage suicide is higher than it’s ever been. Kids are getting killed. Shot, or blown up for being different. If you are teaching your children that it’s ok to be different, you are setting them up for failure. The world does not care anymore. The world does not embrace “being different”. The only thing the world cares about is power and money. Or the latest trend, because everyone is trying to fit it. No one is trying to be different anymore. The whole point of this blog is not to criticize, I just want to bring awareness to these small, simple facts. I want to point out the things, that we, for the sake of humanity, can begin to change, so that we may have a better world for our children to grow up in. I want to see change. Change for the better, if you are looking for where we can start. Let’s start here. Let’s start with being different is ok. Let’s start by building those up around us, not tearing them down.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, April 6, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Italian Brunch

Getting ready this afternoon, I am rushing a bit. My mind is racing all over the place trying to get everything organized for my little party today. My three close, very different ginger friends are coming over for an Italian brunch. I bought all kinds of drinks, non alcoholic, since I am almost a year sober from that poison. A&W Root Beer, IBC Cream Soda, Pure Leaf Lemon Tea,  and Pure Leaf Green Tea, Starbucks DoubleShot Espresso shots, Crush Orange Soda, Snapple Peach Ice Tea, and of course Tropical punch BodyArmor SuperDrink. Ok, so I may have gotten a little carried away with the drinks, but can you blame me? I am cooking the sausage for this dish, getting my Italian salad ready, Sharyl is making the cold Italian pasta salad. I am also making stuffed mushrooms with yummy crab meat and cream cheese, fresh garlic bread. Yes, today will be fun. It will be a good thing for me, to be surrounded by a few of my friends. It will definitely take my mind off of things. I am lucky that I have such an array of friends that I can call on to come and help me get through my darkest, and even best times. I might film a bit of it to put on my Instagram or twitter. That should be hilarious. I am just aching to show off my super hella cool new dance moves. Plus did I mention that my friends are gorgeous women, should I teach them my new moves? Haha.

I am not saying cooking is all fun and games but for today it was. I think the hardest part was driving back and forth to town trying to collect everything I needed. Even with a list I managed to forget a couple things. Being manic can sometimes be a bad thing, but my house is spotless. So why even complain at all? I couldn’t help but think that the mailbox I saw that was knocked off on the side of the tiny road we live on was done by Sharyl. She drives so close to them, it literally gives me chills riding with her. I swear she has nearly taken out a few with me sitting by her in her gigantic truck. Scary.

I am currently in the process of getting together a playlist for us to listen to while we play the board games after brunch, and writing here on my blog. Why does iTunes know that I love my 80’s music and keep recommending more songs that fit that era than not? It think it’s a great possibility that I will just stick with Pandora today?

So I have not been neglecting my website, I have been writing some new things that I will post within the next few weeks. Here is something to tide you over until then. I wrote it back in 2005 and it is has been published twice. In two different magazines, I am one proud writer. Still though, it has brought more meaning to my life now, than it ever did back in 2005. Enjoy.

Mix of the Minds-

Silence speaks through unnoticed stares,

As to read your thoughts is like a dare.

Wanting to unlock what you hide inside,

When all you want is your secret to die.

When I see thoughts, I see them so clear,

And not always of the one you love so dear.

Day in, day out wondering creeps through,

Of a younger to spark your life anew.

Not only in mind, but your heart desires,

Of how far you’ll go, how much it requires.

Never the first step will you ever take?

Afraid to make a horrible mistake.

To take a risk you would rather die,

But do you want this position to try?

For who knows, you might have fun,

When it’s all over with, said, and done.

When you think it back through and through,

Maybe I wanted the same of you.

© Tasha Geller October 27th, 2005

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 15th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Secret Prayer

I am laying here tonight, my body drenched in fear. I push my judging thoughts aside, my eyes fill with tears.

For tomorrow, I pay a visit, to my brothers grave. Why did God take his life, how come he couldn’t stay?

I hear my cursing words come out, I feel my anger rise. I do not understand why people drink and drive.

I am going the cemetery where part of his ashes lay. I am going there to tell him Karen had his boy today.

As I tell him these things, I will break down into tears. I will say the things I should have said while he was here.

I will tell him that I love him, and thank him for loving me. I will tell him in my heart is where he’ll always be.

Then I will say God, please help me to love and forgive that man who killed my brother the night he should have lived.

And please put a burden on his heart, to never again drink and drive. To make him think of all of us, that didn’t get to say good-bye.

And help him be a stronger man, get his life right. Help him understand that your most precious gift is life.

And just before I fell asleep, I heard someone say, no need to worry, I am always with you. It will be ok.

When I awoke the next morning, I awoke with a smile. Thinking things over, was worth my worth while.

That hatred I had in my heart, no longer lingered there, I take it as if the lord had answered my secret prayer.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 9th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Bittersweet

Hello everyone. Sorry it’s been a while since I have touched base. I have been going through a lot with life. I recently moved from Shawnee to Oklahoma City.  I am in my own place with my two boys now. We are making it. It’s really working out for us. I have been writing a lot in my journal and I thought I would share some over the next few weeks. My diary entries as I like to call them. This one is from April 12th, 2017. We shall call it The End of a Beautiful Disaster.

 

I lay here in on this long couch, my legs stretched out, my toes covered with furry socks. I am just thinking out loud and asking myself questions, reasonable questions on whether or not I should up and leave this town, these people, this crowd, this life, this wife. SO here I am. Writing. I always write when I am sad, I also know that the paper and pen won’t judge me, it will be our secret. I can share, explore, and depend on these thin sheets of mine. Love has not bid me well in my life time. It has always at some point let me down, and has just done it again. But is it love that is the problem? Or is it the idea of love? Why do you stay for someone? What is the reward for sticking it out until the end?Especially if its not going to be much of anything but constant fighting and issues. Does anyone ever really truly understand what love is? I would like to scour the earth and look to those much wiser than us, whoever those people might be. I would like to rediscover everyone I know. I have missed so many people in the last couple years. I have been blind to this life, the only life I’ve known for the last 3 years. It has been my world. My everything. But everything is changing, and I have to be the one to make the first move, or I will never get out of here. A big life hop, skip, and a jump is seriously about to happen.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, June 12th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.