To start the day right all begins with some Baileys Irish Creme and coffee. I drink 7 cups and realize I want a bigger kick. I walk into the garage and make my way to where I hide all my Jager bottles. I look in the canister, nothing there. I look in the freezer, moving all our meat around, nothing there. I look on top of the refrigerator, in the basket that sits up there. Nope, nothing there. I frantically start looking in all the packed boxes, the attic, under the tables, everywhere and all around. Nope, nothing. By this point, I am starting to lose my buzz and I am getting pissed. Where is all my alcohol?
My phone rings, its my friend D. I am so excited we are going to celebrate my newfound freedom this weekend. Friday night rolls arounds and we get into our favorite club. We know the owners, the bartenders, the bouncers, and the DJ’s. We get our drinks for free, we get in for free, and we get protection for free. We party it up with our friends all night long, dancing into the night. I feel free, I feel amazing, I feel like maybe this is what heaven feels like. My feet magically lift themselves above the wooden slick floor as I break out my favorite Michael Jackson song- smooth criminal.
Its 3:30am everyone has gone home, and we are left there with the staff, DJ is playing all our favorite 80’s songs. Everyone is getting seriously fucked up more so than we were earlier. I want to hear my mixed favorite song- two of hearts by stacey q. I tell my friends I will be right back. I walk slowly, stumbling my way down the stairs, hanging on to the rail. Everything is moving out of place and I feel dizzy, should I just stay inside I wonder to myself. The alcohol puts a superhero mask on me and convinces me I am fine and I can protect myself. I am barely able to see, its all blurry, but I stumble my way to my truck finding it tucked away in the VIP parking lot. I unlock it, I go into the back door to get my CD case. Someone strong and ugly and cruel comes up behind me and bangs my head on the metal around my window. I am crying and begging this man to let me go. I am not strong enough to fight him off me, I can’t get away from him. I hear the fabric of my clothes ripping, for me it was a strange sound. Fear takes over my entire self, I start begging and crying, I can feel my warm blood rushing down my face and around my ears, all around my neck. Panic sets in I start screaming all my friends names. I scream louder than I have ever screamed in my life HELP ME. No one is around its an empty parking lot, on an empty street. Early morning hours that brings out thugs, evil individuals, and criminals. Why did I come out here alone? I feel something hard hit the back of my head.
I wake up crumpled behind my passenger seat on the floor. My hands, legs, and feet are the only thing I can see and they are covered in blood. My entire body aches, yet I can’t feel anything but a numb feeling in my heart. My body has been violated in the worse way. I reach down between my legs and look for my underwear, realizing a few minutes later that they are by my feet. Between my female part and anus my skin is ripped apart. I look in the rear view mirror and my face is covered in dried up blood and dirt. Why did this happen to me, where do I go, what is next, who can I call? So I curled up in my back seat and cried myself to sleep.
Fast forward years later I am still drinking. I guess some people aren’t meant to learn their lessons. I never stopped drinking. But taking a second and looking all around me, all these tubes, machines, and needles. It’s a bit scary. However, I get to go home tomorrow and I can’t wait to get home and pour me some jager and red bull and get totally wasted. I deserve it after spending a month in the hospital. I deserve a reward. I crave alcohol like a woman in menstrual period craves chocolate. You get to succumb to your weaknesses, why can’t I?
Written by: Tasha Geller
Tasha Geller © copyright 2016