Secret Prayer

I am laying here tonight, my body drenched in fear. I push my judging thoughts aside, my eyes fill with tears.

For tomorrow, I pay a visit, to my brothers grave. Why did God take his life, how come he couldn’t stay?

I hear my cursing words come out, I feel my anger rise. I do not understand why people drink and drive.

I am going the cemetery where part of his ashes lay. I am going there to tell him Karen had his boy today.

As I tell him these things, I will break down into tears. I will say the things I should have said while he was here.

I will tell him that I love him, and thank him for loving me. I will tell him in my heart is where he’ll always be.

Then I will say God, please help me to love and forgive that man who killed my brother the night he should have lived.

And please put a burden on his heart, to never again drink and drive. To make him think of all of us, that didn’t get to say good-bye.

And help him be a stronger man, get his life right. Help him understand that your most precious gift is life.

And just before I fell asleep, I heard someone say, no need to worry, I am always with you. It will be ok.

When I awoke the next morning, I awoke with a smile. Thinking things over, was worth my worth while.

That hatred I had in my heart, no longer lingered there, I take it as if the lord had answered my secret prayer.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 9th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The worse is yet to come 3/20/2017

I thought I would sit down at my desk and type out a little tonight. It’s been awhile, I apologize to my followers for not keeping up with my writing. I know it’s something I am suppose to do when I have a blog going and many people that depend on my writings to make them feel more alive. But, when you don’t feel alive yourself, how are you suppose to help others. I have been a little lost and stumped I guess I should say. My life has been so up and down since last October to be honest. As you all know I am bipolar and my meds got all messed up and then they changed, then they didn’t work and now I am unmedicated for today, one day only. It’s still hell, you have no idea unless you’ve been where I am. I had to taper down on the last medicine I was on that had only worked for two weeks. So, I start back on lithium tomorrow morning and I really hope it works out for me this time, without my body developing the hard core side effects.  With a lower dosage, maybe I can have somewhat of a decent life. At this point I will take anything I can get. At what cost, I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’ve been scratching my head and clawing my way out of this deep dark hole since the end of last year that my nails are down to the quick. I don’t look pretty or feel pretty when I am depressed, manic, or out of my mind. My hair was falling out for a while, my eyes had dark circles under them, and I gained about 20 pounds already this year with the medicines changing so much. Feeling high and feeling low does not have its perks. There is no pretty when it comes to not wanting to wake up in the morning. There are so many wounds left open, the scars can’t heal when they won’t close. I have pushed so many people away, and for good reasons, but to do it when your emotions are at an all high. Well, it doesn’t make for a good time let’s just say that. I feel a thunderstorm coming on in my life, even though I’ve weathered this horrible storm already for so many months. It feels as if the worst hasn’t come yet still. I’m still breathing, I am surviving yes, but it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to just make it day to day. I want to live and be happy. I want to jump for joy once in a while. I want to wake up with a smile on my face. I don’t want to sit in my chair with pity in my mind and self loathing, not wanting to move forward or even get out of bed. I’m still breathing… right?  I have a family that loves me, I have a great job, I have friends that are supportive, and I have many people in the medical field rooting for me to get better. But, way in the back of my mind I am hopeless. I am sad, mad, tired, worthless, useless, and haven’t been attentive to my responsibilities. Big and small. Short and tall. Far and wide. Everything seems so big yet so far away. I feel like I am falling into the ocean and letting the waves just take me out to sea, watching everyone and everything I love disappear. The worse part is I am totally ok with that in this state. Yet, I get irritable and snap at everyone. I don’t want to be around people in these moments and when they get trapped in my stare they get the blunt worse of it. It’s gotta be complicated for those that are close to me, up front with these raw emotions flying around all over the place and out of place for most have never seen this side of me. They see the happy Tasha, the one that’s the life of the party. Some deserve it, most don’t. I have however learned to establish emotion boundaries, but that’s the only good thing I have accomplished in over 5 months. That literally sucks the life out of me just writing that. I am so disappointed in myself and some of my actions. I didn’t intend on hurting anyone but some people have just gotten caught up in the cross fires. It’s all my fault to blame, I guess. But, this rollercoaster ride definitely isn’t for everyone and not everyone can handle a broken person such as I or have the desire to, to be honest. But as broken as I may be, I know the beautiful inside of me is dying to come out and play. I am ready to make a break. I am ready to run down the road with the sunshine in my eyes, the glare staring back at me in the face, and the warmth sweating down my back.  I used to be so happy, I used to be wonderful. I used to be a lot of things and had so much to look forward to. I still do have a lot to look forward to. It’s the only thing that has kept me going. Watching my two boys grow up and see them graduate high school and college, get married, and have their own kids. For I have been given a second chance at life. Well, actually make that a third chance. I know I should have so much to be grateful for. But, why can’t I feel this way. Why is everything so dark and gloomy for me, and what will come of this storm I feel coming. I know it’s going to be bad, I just feel it in my bones. You all have those feelings deep down inside and you know that you are journeying to a predestined atmosphere,  unknown to oneself. What is it, what will happen? Why can’t I ever catch a break? Will there ever be that time in my life where I am happy for more than 6 months without something bad happening to me?

I am still sitting here at this shaken down, beaten desk of mine, wobbling my head back and forth listening to Lorde. Somehow she brings me solitude in these horrid times. I feel the chill rise up my arms and down my shoulders then down my back and legs. The trembling never stops. The shaking never lets up. Yes, it’s fear you are reading that is blasting me out on this blog of mine. The sky is darkening here in my neck of the woods and the time for me to close my night is approaching. I do not want to fall asleep and have the dream catcher catch me again. He never stops chasing me, he keeps me up all hours of the night and it’s scary. I dread the time to come where I have to lay my head down on my soft puffy pillows and curl up into a ball under my comforter next to this mate of mine that had no idea what she was getting herself into when she married me. So dedicated she is though. I don’t want to fall asleep because I fear the worst, that another day passed where I accomplished nothing. Knowing deep down, I may only ever be just an emotional wreck. I don’t expect anyone to understand this, but I know some of you will because you have been there before or maybe you are going through it just the same. Will it ever end? How am I going to get through this week? Prayer isn’t helping, nor is meditating. Group therapy has it’s perks but in there, there is no rest for the broken individuals and I feel everything they are feeling and taking it upon myself and some days I come out the other end worse than when I went in. Not anyones fault, I bring it on myself, but I am left here stuck wondering what will ever work for me? Individual therapy has come to an end for me at the moment, the trust was broken and I was left out in the woods alone and scared and no one to catch me falling when I was at my worse, by the only person who could ever pull me out and make me see clearly. That person is gone and there is this hole in my heart that is stretching more with each day, each week. I just want to heal. I want to get out of this slump. I want happiness, I want peace. I just don’t see the possibilities, there is no light at the end of this tunnel today. What will tomorrow bring?

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, March 20, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011

 

7-14-16 Three Triangles

Laying back on the couch watching a movie or show everything feels so overwhelming. I can’t even watch my shows, I can’t enjoy peace and quiet. I can’t hear my own thoughts. I am a slave to those around me. I have a list in my head that I have been trying to get done for a week now. There is no one to help me, I may have a family that surrounds me but yet I feel all alone. I am the one that has to keep this household together, I have to be the peacekeeper for everyone that surrounds me. I all by myself standing next to these children. They expect me to do everything for them. I am their beck and call, I get no assistance. They do not respect their things, breaking them like they are so easily replaceable. They change clothes 3 times a day. The laundry piles up. It takes me 3 to 4 days to get it all done and put away. Then I come back to their room and its all back on the floor. Even their toys; everything, blankets and pillows in the corner of their room. Movies and xBox games out of the boxes and scratches on most of them. Some play, some don’t.

My lover, I am tired of her whining about everything. I am tired of her sleeping all day. Or at least it feels like its all day. She has a habit of being forceful and speaking her mind, causing drama with those I am close to. Putting me in a position where I am stuck choosing because her I have to. She is lazy. She does nothing at all but complain about how sad and depressed she is. Her medicine does not work for her disorder. Her mind is all over the place, she speaks in a different language sometimes. She has intimacy issues. She doesn’t even try to understand me. My family does not like her, they don’t care to. I don’t even care if they like her or not. There’s no point trying to change that, because once they see her on her on a bad day it would have all been for nothing. This world I am entangled up in, I can’t escape I can’t make myself walk away. I am too stubborn to allow others to say to me, I told you so.

-The trapped other lover

Laying on my bed curled up in a circle, wiping away my tears as they fall down my cheeks I slowly close my eyes and drift away. For when I sleep I feel nothing. It’s much better than picking up some drugs and zoning out. I have to think about my kids and my lover this time. I am already too much to handle, I could never put them in a position where they have to see me like that. That would be too hard to walk away from, but is my disorder better.

I go out to the store, when I start counting those around me, realizing there are a lot of people around me I freak out. My mind shuts down, I can’t think one single straight thought, I can’t breathe, my face gets flush, I get so scared its like I am back to being 5 years old and thinking there is a monster under my bed kinda scared. I am a child again, I cannot defend myself. I am all alone, the only thing I can do is leave and get in my car. My eyes are so blurred and I can’t even remember where I parked. My hands are shaking so bad, I can’t even get the keys in the ignition. I am sweating everywhere. I break down and start crying. This is a bad day. It screws up my entire day. I come home to an overwhelmed lover that has a list of things to do, children yelling and fighting. Everything is loud, and I am Deaf. If I can hear it clearly, then it’s loud. So what do I do, I go lay in my bed and sleep.

Drinking alcohol is such a bad idea for someone like me, it’s an addiction. I drink to feel better but end up feeling worse or sick. For that one hour or two I do feel better. If I can get two hours a day feeling good, it’s worth it. Until the next day when I can’t get up to shower, eat, or even get something to drink. All I can do is lay there and think of ways I can die that wouldn’t point to suicide. So why not just start drinking again, who cares that its noon. It’s an endless cycle.

How can someone not care enough about themselves to live their life? When they have everything going for them? Everyone knows its just easier to give up than work hard not even knowing the end results.

Everyday all I see is a black cloud over my head and lead in my heart. I am worthless, I don’t mean anything to anyone. I have no true friends, this lover of mine is only with me because she thought she found someone that would take care of her. Everyone is out to get me. I am being followed everywhere I go. That man over there thats been parked, watching us, he’s going to take my kids. Tears come in buckets everyday. My chest hurts because I cry so hard. I choke over my own spit, I just want to be held. I just want to know that everything is going to get better. Where has my hope gone? Why is this happening to me? Is this life even real? Am I in a coma in some hospital and this is what my brain has dreamt up for me. Life doesn’t even feel real. I wonder if I jumped off a building would I wake up?

-The bipolar lover

Why do I have to get up by myself and pour my cereal and be so quiet? Why can’t I go outside and play like all the other kids? Why does everyone yell at me all the time? It’s not fair that we have to be confined to this room all the time. I want to go swimming, and to the park to play. Mommy please can we go get a snow cone? Let’s go for a walk around the block or have a water balloon fight. Lets pick out a family movie and watch it while we eat popcorn and drink hot chocalate. Mommy I love you. Can we go to the movie theater and watch a movie on the big screen. Hey we can do things that don’t cost money too. We can color, or paint, or put together our scrapbook you started so long ago. Lets have a craft day. I don’t like it when I hear you guys fight and yell and slam doors. I don’t like being screamed at for something that really isn’t a big deal. I am just a child I don’t need to be yelled out. But I forgive you. I still love you. ALWAYS and forever.

-The children

Life is better today, it was great yesterday and tomorrow is going to be even better. New medicine, new outlook on life, new opportunities, new life. Just because you are starting a new life doesn’t mean you have to change up the people in your life. All that worrying about true friends. I have had them all along. My lover well she’s still around believe it or not and my children have never been happier, and I have a bond with them I have never experienced before in my whole life. I don’t know where I will be in 6 months or a year but I do know that I will be happy. I won’t do anything that doesn’t make me happy. I deserve that. For once I am going to put myself and my health first. I don’t and haven’t slept in the middle of the day in almost 6 months. I clean, I mow, I help with the children, I go grocery shopping without freaking out, I am no longer lazy, I do things in my own time now. I don’t put up with peoples BS anymore. Life is looking up finally.

-The bipolar lover revamped

 

6/29/2016 The Alcoholic

To start the day right all begins with some Baileys Irish Creme and coffee. I drink 7 cups and realize I want a bigger kick. I walk into the garage and make my way to where I hide all my Jager bottles. I look in the canister, nothing there. I look in the freezer, moving all our meat around, nothing there. I look on top of the refrigerator, in the basket that sits up there. Nope, nothing there. I frantically start looking in all the packed boxes, the attic, under the tables, everywhere and all around. Nope, nothing. By this point, I am starting to lose my buzz and I am getting pissed. Where is all my alcohol?

My phone rings, its my friend D. I am so excited we are going to celebrate my newfound freedom this weekend. Friday night rolls arounds and we get into our favorite club. We know the owners, the bartenders, the bouncers, and the DJ’s. We get our drinks for free, we get in for free, and we get protection for free. We party it up with our friends all night long, dancing into the night. I feel free, I feel amazing, I feel like maybe this is what heaven feels like. My feet magically lift themselves above the wooden slick floor as I break out my favorite Michael Jackson song- smooth criminal.

Its 3:30am everyone has gone home, and we are left there with the staff, DJ is playing all our favorite 80’s songs. Everyone is getting seriously fucked up more so than we were earlier. I want to hear my mixed favorite song- two of hearts by stacey q. I tell my friends I will be right back. I walk slowly, stumbling my way down the stairs, hanging on to the rail. Everything is moving out of place and I feel dizzy, should I just stay inside I wonder to myself. The alcohol puts a superhero mask on me and convinces me I am fine and I can protect myself. I am barely able to see, its all blurry, but I stumble my way to my truck finding it tucked away in the VIP parking lot. I unlock it, I go into the back door to get my CD case. Someone strong and ugly and cruel comes up behind me and bangs my head on the metal around my window. I am crying and begging this man to let me go. I am not strong enough to fight him off me, I can’t get away from him. I hear the fabric of my clothes ripping, for me it was a strange sound. Fear takes over my entire self, I start begging and crying, I can feel my warm blood rushing down my face and around my ears, all around my neck. Panic sets in I start screaming all my friends names. I scream louder than I have ever screamed in my life HELP ME. No one is around its an empty parking lot, on an empty street. Early morning hours that brings out thugs, evil individuals, and criminals. Why did I come out here alone? I feel something hard hit the back of my head.

I wake up crumpled behind my passenger seat on the floor. My hands, legs, and feet are the only thing I can see and they are covered in blood. My entire body aches, yet I can’t feel anything but a numb feeling in my heart. My body has been violated in the worse way. I reach down between my legs and look for my underwear, realizing a few minutes later that they are by my feet. Between my female part and anus my skin is ripped apart. I look in the rear view mirror and my face is covered in dried up blood and dirt. Why did this happen to me, where do I go, what is next, who can I call? So I curled up in my back seat and cried myself to sleep.

Fast forward years later I am still drinking. I guess some people aren’t meant to learn their lessons. I never stopped drinking. But taking a second and looking all around me, all these tubes, machines, and needles. It’s a bit scary. However, I get to go home tomorrow and I can’t wait to get home and pour me some jager and red bull and get totally wasted. I deserve it after spending a month in the hospital. I deserve a reward. I crave alcohol like a woman in menstrual period craves chocolate. You get to succumb to your weaknesses, why can’t I?

The Alcoholic

Written by: Tasha Geller

Tasha Geller © copyright 2016