7-14-16 Three Triangles

Laying back on the couch watching a movie or show everything feels so overwhelming. I can’t even watch my shows, I can’t enjoy peace and quiet. I can’t hear my own thoughts. I am a slave to those around me. I have a list in my head that I have been trying to get done for a week now. There is no one to help me, I may have a family that surrounds me but yet I feel all alone. I am the one that has to keep this household together, I have to be the peacekeeper for everyone that surrounds me. I all by myself standing next to these children. They expect me to do everything for them. I am their beck and call, I get no assistance. They do not respect their things, breaking them like they are so easily replaceable. They change clothes 3 times a day. The laundry piles up. It takes me 3 to 4 days to get it all done and put away. Then I come back to their room and its all back on the floor. Even their toys; everything, blankets and pillows in the corner of their room. Movies and xBox games out of the boxes and scratches on most of them. Some play, some don’t.

My lover, I am tired of her whining about everything. I am tired of her sleeping all day. Or at least it feels like its all day. She has a habit of being forceful and speaking her mind, causing drama with those I am close to. Putting me in a position where I am stuck choosing because her I have to. She is lazy. She does nothing at all but complain about how sad and depressed she is. Her medicine does not work for her disorder. Her mind is all over the place, she speaks in a different language sometimes. She has intimacy issues. She doesn’t even try to understand me. My family does not like her, they don’t care to. I don’t even care if they like her or not. There’s no point trying to change that, because once they see her on her on a bad day it would have all been for nothing. This world I am entangled up in, I can’t escape I can’t make myself walk away. I am too stubborn to allow others to say to me, I told you so.

-The trapped other lover

Laying on my bed curled up in a circle, wiping away my tears as they fall down my cheeks I slowly close my eyes and drift away. For when I sleep I feel nothing. It’s much better than picking up some drugs and zoning out. I have to think about my kids and my lover this time. I am already too much to handle, I could never put them in a position where they have to see me like that. That would be too hard to walk away from, but is my disorder better.

I go out to the store, when I start counting those around me, realizing there are a lot of people around me I freak out. My mind shuts down, I can’t think one single straight thought, I can’t breathe, my face gets flush, I get so scared its like I am back to being 5 years old and thinking there is a monster under my bed kinda scared. I am a child again, I cannot defend myself. I am all alone, the only thing I can do is leave and get in my car. My eyes are so blurred and I can’t even remember where I parked. My hands are shaking so bad, I can’t even get the keys in the ignition. I am sweating everywhere. I break down and start crying. This is a bad day. It screws up my entire day. I come home to an overwhelmed lover that has a list of things to do, children yelling and fighting. Everything is loud, and I am Deaf. If I can hear it clearly, then it’s loud. So what do I do, I go lay in my bed and sleep.

Drinking alcohol is such a bad idea for someone like me, it’s an addiction. I drink to feel better but end up feeling worse or sick. For that one hour or two I do feel better. If I can get two hours a day feeling good, it’s worth it. Until the next day when I can’t get up to shower, eat, or even get something to drink. All I can do is lay there and think of ways I can die that wouldn’t point to suicide. So why not just start drinking again, who cares that its noon. It’s an endless cycle.

How can someone not care enough about themselves to live their life? When they have everything going for them? Everyone knows its just easier to give up than work hard not even knowing the end results.

Everyday all I see is a black cloud over my head and lead in my heart. I am worthless, I don’t mean anything to anyone. I have no true friends, this lover of mine is only with me because she thought she found someone that would take care of her. Everyone is out to get me. I am being followed everywhere I go. That man over there thats been parked, watching us, he’s going to take my kids. Tears come in buckets everyday. My chest hurts because I cry so hard. I choke over my own spit, I just want to be held. I just want to know that everything is going to get better. Where has my hope gone? Why is this happening to me? Is this life even real? Am I in a coma in some hospital and this is what my brain has dreamt up for me. Life doesn’t even feel real. I wonder if I jumped off a building would I wake up?

-The bipolar lover

Why do I have to get up by myself and pour my cereal and be so quiet? Why can’t I go outside and play like all the other kids? Why does everyone yell at me all the time? It’s not fair that we have to be confined to this room all the time. I want to go swimming, and to the park to play. Mommy please can we go get a snow cone? Let’s go for a walk around the block or have a water balloon fight. Lets pick out a family movie and watch it while we eat popcorn and drink hot chocalate. Mommy I love you. Can we go to the movie theater and watch a movie on the big screen. Hey we can do things that don’t cost money too. We can color, or paint, or put together our scrapbook you started so long ago. Lets have a craft day. I don’t like it when I hear you guys fight and yell and slam doors. I don’t like being screamed at for something that really isn’t a big deal. I am just a child I don’t need to be yelled out. But I forgive you. I still love you. ALWAYS and forever.

-The children

Life is better today, it was great yesterday and tomorrow is going to be even better. New medicine, new outlook on life, new opportunities, new life. Just because you are starting a new life doesn’t mean you have to change up the people in your life. All that worrying about true friends. I have had them all along. My lover well she’s still around believe it or not and my children have never been happier, and I have a bond with them I have never experienced before in my whole life. I don’t know where I will be in 6 months or a year but I do know that I will be happy. I won’t do anything that doesn’t make me happy. I deserve that. For once I am going to put myself and my health first. I don’t and haven’t slept in the middle of the day in almost 6 months. I clean, I mow, I help with the children, I go grocery shopping without freaking out, I am no longer lazy, I do things in my own time now. I don’t put up with peoples BS anymore. Life is looking up finally.

-The bipolar lover revamped

 

6/29/2016 The Alcoholic

To start the day right all begins with some Baileys Irish Creme and coffee. I drink 7 cups and realize I want a bigger kick. I walk into the garage and make my way to where I hide all my Jager bottles. I look in the canister, nothing there. I look in the freezer, moving all our meat around, nothing there. I look on top of the refrigerator, in the basket that sits up there. Nope, nothing there. I frantically start looking in all the packed boxes, the attic, under the tables, everywhere and all around. Nope, nothing. By this point, I am starting to lose my buzz and I am getting pissed. Where is all my alcohol?

My phone rings, its my friend D. I am so excited we are going to celebrate my newfound freedom this weekend. Friday night rolls arounds and we get into our favorite club. We know the owners, the bartenders, the bouncers, and the DJ’s. We get our drinks for free, we get in for free, and we get protection for free. We party it up with our friends all night long, dancing into the night. I feel free, I feel amazing, I feel like maybe this is what heaven feels like. My feet magically lift themselves above the wooden slick floor as I break out my favorite Michael Jackson song- smooth criminal.

Its 3:30am everyone has gone home, and we are left there with the staff, DJ is playing all our favorite 80’s songs. Everyone is getting seriously fucked up more so than we were earlier. I want to hear my mixed favorite song- two of hearts by stacey q. I tell my friends I will be right back. I walk slowly, stumbling my way down the stairs, hanging on to the rail. Everything is moving out of place and I feel dizzy, should I just stay inside I wonder to myself. The alcohol puts a superhero mask on me and convinces me I am fine and I can protect myself. I am barely able to see, its all blurry, but I stumble my way to my truck finding it tucked away in the VIP parking lot. I unlock it, I go into the back door to get my CD case. Someone strong and ugly and cruel comes up behind me and bangs my head on the metal around my window. I am crying and begging this man to let me go. I am not strong enough to fight him off me, I can’t get away from him. I hear the fabric of my clothes ripping, for me it was a strange sound. Fear takes over my entire self, I start begging and crying, I can feel my warm blood rushing down my face and around my ears, all around my neck. Panic sets in I start screaming all my friends names. I scream louder than I have ever screamed in my life HELP ME. No one is around its an empty parking lot, on an empty street. Early morning hours that brings out thugs, evil individuals, and criminals. Why did I come out here alone? I feel something hard hit the back of my head.

I wake up crumpled behind my passenger seat on the floor. My hands, legs, and feet are the only thing I can see and they are covered in blood. My entire body aches, yet I can’t feel anything but a numb feeling in my heart. My body has been violated in the worse way. I reach down between my legs and look for my underwear, realizing a few minutes later that they are by my feet. Between my female part and anus my skin is ripped apart. I look in the rear view mirror and my face is covered in dried up blood and dirt. Why did this happen to me, where do I go, what is next, who can I call? So I curled up in my back seat and cried myself to sleep.

Fast forward years later I am still drinking. I guess some people aren’t meant to learn their lessons. I never stopped drinking. But taking a second and looking all around me, all these tubes, machines, and needles. It’s a bit scary. However, I get to go home tomorrow and I can’t wait to get home and pour me some jager and red bull and get totally wasted. I deserve it after spending a month in the hospital. I deserve a reward. I crave alcohol like a woman in menstrual period craves chocolate. You get to succumb to your weaknesses, why can’t I?

The Alcoholic

Written by: Tasha Geller

Tasha Geller © copyright 2016