I must embrace my decision— from my diary entry march of 2010
I know there comes a time in everyones life where you sit back and think, “how did I end up here”. Then there are those times where you are left sitting with a can of beer in one hand and the other is pulling up your knee into a squat on a rock and you just stare out at the lake, thinking damn I could be happier. It’s been a while since I’ve had any moment where my make of progress is like a time stamp in that fork at the end of the road. Where a decision has to be made.
I am standing alone but with hundreds by my side. NO one truly understands me though.I drive people away just to keep from getting hurt, and I trust no one because I’m not to be trusted. Don’t underestimate me people. This girl, thats been stepped on by those who love or claim they love her, even during her entire childhood life. I’ve spent years learning how to defeat people that are like that. I’ve mastered the art of feeling out those that harp on being assholes but are dirty as soil deep in their souls.
I feel either completely stoned or overboard drunk right now. Sitting on my bed, all kinds of jacked up crap going on in my mind. I feel completely out of control, but I am ok with that. My words are jumpy but at least they are coming out. I can release a mother load of stress that I’ve been harboring for months perhaps even the last year. There are days I feel so angry that I want to fight someone that I really hate, then there are days I cry for even thinking of turning into that kind of person. Physical violence is something I am very scared of, don’t get me wrong I can whoop some butt if someone puts it in front of me as a threat to me or those I love. There are days where I just want to lay down and get more than an hour of rest, or go for a drive by myself. Then the guilt sits in and I think of my two beautiful children and then the want of freedom simply disappears.
There are days when I want to be single and not be in a relationship because its easier not to feel. It’s easier to not have to think of someone else’s feelings or giving so much of yourself to them. Will I ever get there, be one of those people that you see that are just so joyful and at peace. I have so many questions and wonder if my life will be long enough to seek out all the answers I long for. I’m not even sure how much time I have left, but I know there are things that I really want. When will I find my answers I so desperately seek?
Tasha Geller (Billie-Jean)