3-12-16

I guess sometimes we go through different phases in life, and sometimes you realize it, and sometimes you don’t. I know I sound strange saying this but for me, thats been the case. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. Not everyone understands me. I can be very difficult, and trying. Right this minute, I am in that moment, realizing that I am changing. I am getting ready for the next stage of my life. This comes easy to probably most of you. The transition process, but for me and those around me, its very dramatic. I remember my ex once said to me was “Tasha you have 6 different personalities and I really just do not get along with 1/2 of them.” “I have learned some of them, and I am ok with those guys. But I but I am not ready for another roller coaster ride.”

Right then,  I had decided it was going to take someone must stronger, to handle me and help me learn. I thought if I could ever find someone who can figure me out, maybe they could help me understand me. Why for example when for me, things start changing, I become overwhelmed at first. Then I panic, then I lose control, then I become impulsive. It’s a spiral and I am lost in unfamiliar territory. I later figured out, it would have to be I that would have to understand who I am. But who was I?

I made a decision to take control of my life about a month ago. I wasn’t sure how I was gonna do it. I am still trying to figure that out.

and if you’re thinking which personality you’ll be following. Guess you’re on your own there, I never got them figured out either 😉

Heres an oldie I’d like to share with you guys

Untainted

My soul is a free spirit, it drifts among the natural beauties of the world. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water. It blends in to the core of respect for Mother Nature. She balances me, she cradles me. She shows me no diversity. I swim to her in my dreams and play with her holy water, submerging myself in her world. Drenching my spirit within her bounds of solution. I run with her like the flames of the fire, melting away my burdens. I bury my body into the  earth playing with the dust as one day I will become whole and ground myself to her will. I play with her strong winds, floating through the universe spreading my energy around sharing the positivity with all beings. For I am solid, but one with her. My respect runs deep. I hold her sacred to my heart forever… connected as one.

Tasha Geller ( Billie Jean) ©copyright 2014

 

 

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3-6-16

Standing in the kitchen, I am simply washing my hands, the light gets turned on and for me it was a different color than it was 2 weeks ago. I feel strange, the thoughts and emotions I felt in that moment were so surreal. I suddenly realized how beautiful our kitchen was. The sound of the boys playing the xbox in the living room, and this energy… I felt taking over my body.
Just standing there taking it all in, I was actually into the world, my surroundings. I felt like this was the first time I really didn’t feel detached from my soul. The taunting feelings I have been struggling with were lifted. I am finding new meanings, its like a stage and I am the star actress, but my lines were my own choices, I could make my fate what I wanted. This strong desire to be as independent as I can, but still be a loving wife and mother.
I used to not enjoy the sun, or be outside really. It had became an issue for me. Yesterday I laid on a blanket, a soft one out by the lake and basked in the sunshine. Feeling the wind brush my face, a purpose had formed. I am at the beginning stage of a new chapter. One I actually think will be an adventure of what happiness feels like. True happiness for the first time in my adult life.