4-24-2016 Desires

Everyone has a desire, or several. It’s a constant battle for some people to turn and walk away from those deep dark hidden desires. I know I had struggled for years with this. I think I was 25 when I decided that if its so hard, it must be worth it right? Not every desire is going to be the same as yours… I’m going to let you in on what I struggled with. I wrote a very good description and put the words into a poem. I hope you enjoy.

Deathful Desires

Deranged thoughts creep through his uncentered mind,

The clocks, the hands, turning back in time.

The memories always forbidden, always withheld,

Locked and captured always in his shell.

Abstracts and images always a wonder,

Always persisting, trying to ponder.

The sparks flew, the wires they tangled,

The body that fled, the neck was strangled.

The energizing fire, the burning flame,

This mate of mine, these are his games.

His pleasures, his happiness, his ruthful stains,

The stairway to hell, all in for his pains.

The heat, the passion, the bilingual disguise,

For he’s part of my soul, but on the other side.

How can I get back, I’m trapped within,

Hidden in the darkness, drenched with sin.

Tasha Geller ©copyright 2005

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4/18/2016 Am I fading?

Hi readers, I know its been a while since I checked in, my goal was to write at least once a week. I need to dedicate myself more to it. I will work on that. But I thought with it being my birthday I would say hi. Currently I am listening to Fade into me, by Mazzy Star. Such a great song, I can escape this tiresome world just hearing this song it knocks over a maze of dominoes that lingers this wonderful given time into the air. It fills my lungs, breathing comes easily. Sometimes I will play it over and over again, yes I know its silly. Does anyone else ever do that, play a song over and over? Why is it that song, what is the meaning behind it. Why are you so connected to it. For me, being almost Deaf sometimes I hear a song, and its not the lyrics I fall in love with. Then later when I look up the lyrics, its like  I knew that song and I were meant to change each other from the beginning. I can’t live without music, I think if I had to go through my life without music I’d die a little each day, until one day not too far away, my suffering would come to an end. It’s often my only way out. Some times there are days where I am running down this winding path, lost, scared, and afraid of tripping over my own feet as I tumble and make my way through all the limbs, bushes, and rocks. It’s like a bad dream I can’t wake up from. I finally run so far that just ahead I see a cliff. The crashing thunderous sound of waves crashing against the rocks below. Will I jump today, or will I sit there on the edge battle my cries and thoughts?

Heres another poem I thought I would share with you guys that I wrote when I was 23 years old. I was married to my first husband (34 yrs), and Danny was his best friend from college. I went over to his and his girlfriend Rheagans apartment. They had all these little blocks of words all over the refrigerator. I decided to write them a poem with the words on the fridge. This is what I came up with and I dedicated this poem to Danny and Rheagan.

The Apartment

Winter bares an elaborate whisper

To the shadow of love watching

Through a true purple urge

Music visions like a void gone away

A sad dream but sweet eternity

 

18 years old when I wrote this one 1999

The Flower — written in 1999 I was 18 years old

Passion, visions, hallucinations cloud my thoughts of mortality,

Selfishness, lust, burns down my wall of rock hard solid faith.

Years of dedication and commitment come crashing on my head,

Killing me momentarily as our time spins and disappears.

One touch, one moment, one clarification once again unknown,

Cold and shaken, my body frozen, flooding my heart with guilt.

Resting my body next to this stranger, this lover of mine,

An evil cry, a tear held high, this flower left to die.

Tasha Geller ©copyright 1999

The long road ahead 3-26-2016

I must embrace my decision— from my diary entry march of 2010

I know there comes a time in everyones life where you sit back and think, “how did I end up here”. Then there are those times where you are left sitting with a can of beer in one hand and the other is pulling up your knee into a squat on a rock and you just stare out at the lake, thinking damn I could be happier. It’s been a while since I’ve had any moment where my make of progress is like a time stamp in that fork at the end of the road. Where a decision has to be made.

I am standing alone but with hundreds by my side. NO one truly understands me though.I drive people away just to keep from getting hurt, and I trust no one because I’m not to be trusted. Don’t underestimate me people. This girl, thats been stepped on by those who love or claim they love her, even during her entire childhood life. I’ve spent years learning how to defeat people that are like that. I’ve mastered the art of feeling out those that harp on being assholes but are dirty as soil deep in their souls.

I feel either completely stoned or overboard drunk right now. Sitting on my bed, all kinds of jacked up crap going on in my mind. I feel completely out of control, but I am ok with that. My words are jumpy but at least they are coming out. I can release a mother load of stress that I’ve been harboring for months perhaps even the last year. There are days I feel so angry that I want to fight someone that I really hate, then there are days I cry for even thinking of turning into that kind of person. Physical violence is something I am very scared of, don’t get me wrong I can whoop some butt if someone puts it in front of me as a threat to me or those I love. There are days where I just want to lay down and get more than an hour of rest, or go for a drive by myself. Then the guilt sits in and I think of my two beautiful children and then the want of freedom simply disappears.

There are days when I want to be single and not be in a relationship because its easier not to feel. It’s easier to not have to think of someone else’s feelings or giving so much of yourself to them. Will I ever get there, be one of those people that you see that are just so joyful and at peace. I have so many questions and wonder if my life will be long enough to seek out all the answers I long for. I’m not even sure how much time I have left, but I know there are things that I really want. When will I find my answers I so desperately seek?

Tasha Geller (Billie-Jean)

3-13-16

So many of us use our hearts as shields. We make them indestructible. I would like to think we all come into each others lives for a reason. So I try to be more open to people, therefore in the process I usually end up getting disappointed more often than most of you. A lot of people have let me down so much in the past that its hard to accept when I have someone who actually cares for me in my life. But life has blessed me, I guess you could say I got a lot of support in various means and with good people.

I won’t lie, I had an ok childhood. Not your average dream, but not your worse nightmare. I pretty much had to grow up pretty fast, and learn that I only had myself to depend on. I guess that is why so many people tell me I have an old soul. When you are forced to grow up and lose that innocence at an early age, you crave for freedom. I was made fun of by so many children growing up, that I had to figure out how I was going to make it out alive. I was so depressed, and very unhappy I needed to be heard. So I started writing. Mostly just poems and sometimes I would write about my day. Well I am going to share with you guys a poem I wrote when I was 14 years old.

The Final Wait

Tied into a knot of long awaited patience

Brings the time of wants and needs and taste

Twisted on a limb of thorns and heated passion

My lover thinks not of mercy or compassion

Wishing only the moment in time would last

Before the giving moments spent, turn a past

A slap intrudes a wall of proper expressions

A pleasure to be the vision of no exceptions

A line of resistance and uncontrolled capture

Blocked in a silver trimmed blackened picture

Now sitting upright, enclosed on a colorful circle

Smells of a sweet night surrounding me in Purple

Tasha Geller ©copyright 1995

3-12-16

I guess sometimes we go through different phases in life, and sometimes you realize it, and sometimes you don’t. I know I sound strange saying this but for me, thats been the case. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. Not everyone understands me. I can be very difficult, and trying. Right this minute, I am in that moment, realizing that I am changing. I am getting ready for the next stage of my life. This comes easy to probably most of you. The transition process, but for me and those around me, its very dramatic. I remember my ex once said to me was “Tasha you have 6 different personalities and I really just do not get along with 1/2 of them.” “I have learned some of them, and I am ok with those guys. But I but I am not ready for another roller coaster ride.”

Right then,  I had decided it was going to take someone must stronger, to handle me and help me learn. I thought if I could ever find someone who can figure me out, maybe they could help me understand me. Why for example when for me, things start changing, I become overwhelmed at first. Then I panic, then I lose control, then I become impulsive. It’s a spiral and I am lost in unfamiliar territory. I later figured out, it would have to be I that would have to understand who I am. But who was I?

I made a decision to take control of my life about a month ago. I wasn’t sure how I was gonna do it. I am still trying to figure that out.

and if you’re thinking which personality you’ll be following. Guess you’re on your own there, I never got them figured out either 😉

Heres an oldie I’d like to share with you guys

Untainted

My soul is a free spirit, it drifts among the natural beauties of the world. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water. It blends in to the core of respect for Mother Nature. She balances me, she cradles me. She shows me no diversity. I swim to her in my dreams and play with her holy water, submerging myself in her world. Drenching my spirit within her bounds of solution. I run with her like the flames of the fire, melting away my burdens. I bury my body into the  earth playing with the dust as one day I will become whole and ground myself to her will. I play with her strong winds, floating through the universe spreading my energy around sharing the positivity with all beings. For I am solid, but one with her. My respect runs deep. I hold her sacred to my heart forever… connected as one.

Tasha Geller ( Billie Jean) ©copyright 2014

 

 

3-6-16

Standing in the kitchen, I am simply washing my hands, the light gets turned on and for me it was a different color than it was 2 weeks ago. I feel strange, the thoughts and emotions I felt in that moment were so surreal. I suddenly realized how beautiful our kitchen was. The sound of the boys playing the xbox in the living room, and this energy… I felt taking over my body.
Just standing there taking it all in, I was actually into the world, my surroundings. I felt like this was the first time I really didn’t feel detached from my soul. The taunting feelings I have been struggling with were lifted. I am finding new meanings, its like a stage and I am the star actress, but my lines were my own choices, I could make my fate what I wanted. This strong desire to be as independent as I can, but still be a loving wife and mother.
I used to not enjoy the sun, or be outside really. It had became an issue for me. Yesterday I laid on a blanket, a soft one out by the lake and basked in the sunshine. Feeling the wind brush my face, a purpose had formed. I am at the beginning stage of a new chapter. One I actually think will be an adventure of what happiness feels like. True happiness for the first time in my adult life.