Sadness falls over me

Have you ever given a child a piece of candy and the next time that same child comes back for more candy? Well I was that child to Mrs. W who was living in the nursing home next to our town park that I frequented often by myself. I think I might have been 8 years old or so. She was a rocking lady too. She escaped the nursing home at least 3 times a day. She would go to the same spot and eat the peppermint candies the nurse had bought her a bag of. I got the best stories from her. I had to introduce myself a couple times, but it seemed like we picked up right where we left off. I began coming to see her all the time. She introduced me to all her friends, they would sit around and listen to me try to play songs on the piano in the middle of the center. It never failed, I would turn around and the room would echo back the loud clapping. It was like a candy store to me because I got candy from all my friends every time I came. The nurses let me go free range. I knew everyones name…. and the best part everyone knew mine. Then there was Mrs. A who lived in my dads rental house. She had the biggest tree on the whole block. It was very shady and jungle looking. A branch fit perfectly for my bottom and my back and head rest exactly as needed for me to sit back and read a 600 page book. She was bed ridden Mrs A… She was over 500 pounds. She says I saved her but truthfully she saved me as Mrs. W had passed away a couple months before. I would sit in her house and we would play cards, eat chocolate that she sent me to the store to buy. We would watch tv, and listen to music. It was her that introduced me to classical music. I got to be her best friend, only friend until she passed away two years after I moved to Denver. I couldn’t make it to her funeral. I feel her spirit though. Sometimes in the wind, or when I see the earths bountiful beauty.

Today, as we three sat at the kitchen table reading poems of hers, listening to her favorite songs and getting music for her playlist. Hearing them type and read out obituary. I broke down so many times today, but more when the music of old gospel hymns filled the air. I saw pictures of her when she was younger. I saw her smile so brightly in a picture, more so than I have ever witnessed since I became to know her. I feel her spirit still it fills our home as I type this out. I hear today how she was a writer like myself. I saw her commas and placement of sentences and they are a lot like mine. I am sad, that it took her death for me to know these wonderful things about her. I am sad that I never got to sit down and have a cup of tea and laugh and talk about her life. I am sad that our conversations were always one sided. I am sad that I never got the chance to hear her voice. Even after hearing she was a terrible singer, I would have done anything to hear her sing something to me. Or sing something to Z my son. He is devastated. I am still debating on rather or not to take him to the funeral. Every time for some reason when we would walk in Grandma N’s room, as soon as he started talking she wanted to see him and tried to pry open her crusted over eyes with her fragile hands shaking and thin looking. He loved hugging her. He loved reading to her. He would always kiss her forehead and play with her hair, just like I have always done. He has my heart, my son. He has a passion for old folks. As every body knew him at the nursing home, they would roll their wheelchairs toward us and he would hug all of them. No one was left behind when it came to his hugs. They would ask if we would be sitting by the big fish tank sitting room every single time. His and T’s my other sons favorite place to hang out. His favorite thing is to wheel them where they needed to go when we were about to leave. Yes he has the same heart as I. We will rejoice with tears of joy as we say our goodbyes instead of tears of sadness. For I may be sad about many things, one thing I am not sad about is that she is finally at peace. She is with her loved ones that have gone before her. I am happy knowing that her passionate singing voice will be forever beautifully sung to the one above all and heard over all the angels. I am happy she is forever young, never knowing then or now what pain even is. I am happy that she can do her favorite thing, be with our heavenly father and praise and rejoice with him every single moment till infinity. I am happy that she gets to see what heaven looks like, and she gets to explore indefinitely how beautiful it looks and feels like. Her fear was chained to the earth, left behind when she left her body behind to go soar with the angels. Her soul is flying so high and so bright that we will all think its a star up there. So will I be sad when we say our goodbyes? No, I do not believe I will. She would be disappointed in me. In all of us really. She is free. We love you and will miss you Grandma N. T, S, Z, TT

RIP N.R.C

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

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Why churches disappoint me.

Don’t judge me, or judge me. I am not scared to talk about this issue. I will let those tell me that once I go this direction and let this be known that I will lose a large fan base. I ask you all to remember that my writing defines my character. And my character defines my writing. I will not hide that I love God, I will not change my writing, I will not push anything on you. I just want to write about everything that is happening to me not just what my editor and publisher want. So enjoy.

One day I looked up in the bright blue sky the sun was shining so brightly I could barely see this strange angelic form of a shadow leaning toward me and grabbing my hand and pulling me up. As she brought me around so I could see her wonderful smile beaming down on me. My body felt warm and safe which was not something I ever felt growing up. Or at least not as often as I feel like I should have. She spoke to me softly but I heard her louder than I heard most as I grew up Deaf. I stumbled as she pulled to the other side of the street. She took me into a room in the building that sat on her side of the road. Left me with all these other children and another adult. Then later she came back and got me and took to the big building where there were all these adults and some children. I sat beside her and her husband, who had a smile just as sweet as this lady. I couldn’t understand why everything was so loud and I felt such a strong emotion being there, this strange place. I had no idea that as a child that was the first time I felt the holy ghost. I grew up in that church. I had Sunday school teachers, and youth directors and went to church camp every summer. There were a lot of things that I was taught there that stood against who I felt I was. It tore inside of me and left me confused and alone. Why should I have to give up my faith? Why can’t I be loved again like I was when I was just a child. Do I not matter? Is it because I am the unknown to you, do I intimidate people? Why am I having such a hard time finding my home church? Is this some sort of test?

Churches these days focus so much on what they can do to get capital grants, media attention, or achieve a standing in the community. Too many, go about it the wrong way. We need to take the churches back to then basics. Sunday church teaching our children, not  keeping them entertained. Nursery care for our young mothers that need to get their soul fed as well. The younger they start off  at a church the longer they will stay. It’s about family, and sometimes its hard to teach adults that. When its time for meet and greet, the members of the church should be aware of everyone there and go welcome the new comers. Talk to them and thank them. The pastor needs to meet all those that are new to show involvement with everyone not just the members. My pastor walked around the whole church from time to time during his sermon. Youth night should offer one on one mentorship with someone from the church. Counseling, and leadership out to the businesses use a fundraiser to reach out to the community. Get all the young children involved in any way that you can because they are our future. This day is dark and the ages are closing to the end. The world is slowly destroying itself hate consumes every energy and every corner to pray on ALL our weaknesses. If we do not have faith that what we believe is solid, we drift away one by one.

I am a child of faith, yet I pray every day and I live my life as best as I can. I am broken yes I am. I am lost, but I think I might have found a way to fulfill my purpose, and it doesn’t look like it will be through a church. What is the whole purpose you might ask about my story? It’s this, I know there are many of my readers that are in the same situation as I. It’s ok I am learning, that having a home church does not determine my faith and my relationship with God. With the right guidance I know that all my questions and pain will heal and be known with time. Don’t give up so easily, your relationship is not with people, God and you. It’s between you and God. At the end of the day, thats all that should matter.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

Check out this amazing voice of the lil Rhema Marvanne and check out her Facebook and add her to your list in iTunes. She has a lot of great Christian music!

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100011063044121

The Fat Girls Closet

The bodacious sound of two fat butt cheeks slapping together, my arms pulling as hard as they can, my fingers grip the top of the pants. I sway to the left, I sway to the right, I bend down like its somehow going to help. I pull up as fast as I can with my fingers well tight and snug around the end, where I button and zip up my pants. Finally I got them on. Inside my mind right then, that moment I thought I have to lose weight.

I look in the mirror to try and determine if my belly hanging over can be hidden by a specific kind of shirt. Oh, is it cold enough to wear a long scarf? Is it cold enough to wear a hoodie? After being fat for a good while, you learn to buy sweats, or the pretty ones from old navy so you don’t look too terrible. You learn to take pictures from different angles so you don’t have a double chin or so people can’t see your belly or arms. You learn to contour your makeup so that your makeup gives you certain features that make you look thinner. You learn to wear mens T-Shirts so your double arm is hidden in the sleeve. You learn to wear browns and blacks because it makes you look thinner. You learn to stop wearing the cute clothes you always wore before. Why?

Today in america, models are thinner than they have ever been. Every where we look there is someone famous that is walking the red carpet with the thinnest dress, and they are listed as best dressed. Why when someone sees us, they see someone they are conditioned to believe is ugly simply because we are overweight? When we try to express our individuality we are told the outfit we are wearing was not designed for someone like ourselves, someone the size we are. What? That we are fat? That we are overweight?

Grow up, you are not perfect yourself. You may work out at the gym, and wear all the nice clothes and are in fashion from the moment you step out of your house. That doesn’t mean that you are better than I am. It doesn’t mean you are smarter than I am. Really it just means that you are superficial. In your world people like me need to get off our butts and hit the gym. You would dare not ever be seen on a date with someone my size. That’s so sad, to be a 12-14 I should not feel fat. I should not have to look in the mirror and feel horrible about myself. If my sons want to wear blue nail polish on their thumb nails or toe nails, who am I to take away that innocent. That is all it is. People make it out to be what they are conditioned to believe because its different. We are all different.

Will the world ever get better in our generation? The world just keeps getting worse. There are too many people that are self entitled, and only relate to what is cool in our media or what they read. The media used to be an outlet for everyone to be educated with what is happening in the world. Now it’s just a circus, which channel can get the most viewers. Let’s do something so whack that it blows away peoples minds. Taylor Swift and Kanye? That’s not the kind of education I want to know. That needs to stay in the entertainment magazines or youtube channels, it does not belong on the news. What has this world come to? Seriously ask yourselves, why are clothes, makeup, extensions, pedicures, manicures, tanning, working out, having the most likes on twitter or youtube, being the coolest so important to you? Wouldn’t you rather feed the hungry, comfort women of domestic violence, be a friend to an overweight person and not judge them, help those that are needy, stop being so greedy, take care of each other. Even if they sin. Say they are gay, or transgender, or they were in prison, or perhaps are ex addicts, current addicts. We all have faults. Let’s stop judging each other! Be kind to each other. Smiles are contagious you know, and hugs, well they heal.

So next time you see a fat person instead of being disgusted just hope that they are happy, no judgements.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

The Medicine Shoppe

I start making my way home from Walgreens, crying and so irritated that I punch my steering wheel multiple times. Then I realized at the stop light, the car next to me had a small child sitting in the back watching me, waving at me and blowing me a kiss. I sure wish I could feel like a child again, so innocent and sweet. Showing love to anyone they see. The world doesn’t exist as a big bad world to a child. Innocent and always forgiving they are. Why can’t we as adults be so forgiving? Why can’t we all be blind to color, blind to weight, blind to how much money you have? It’s always something, there is always a neighbor or friend comparing their lives and things to yours. Why must we be judged for the things we don’t have or do have? Why must we all fit a certain criteria for anyone to care for you or about you? What happened to family cook outs, and picnics by the lake? Why do we have our phones in our hands all the time. Why do we care more about our paychecks than our actual job? So many questions and no one there to answer them.

It wasn’t too long ago I had to take on Walgreens this big bad corporate world. What I mean by bad, is that is they never had my medicine ready, they were rude, it took at least 2 hours, and they have a racist employee there. I have complained at last 10 different times and not one person called me, emailed me, or even reached out to talk to me about my issues there. My insurance isn’t taken very many places. However, there is good to this story. I found a new pharmacy. Someone told me about it a long time ago, and I have driven by it several times. But each time I passed this pharmacy I told myself its just going to take to long to talk to them, transfer my stuff, or even explain why I needed a new pharmacy. I have kids, homework, school, cleaning, cooking, working my full time job, finishing my book and anything else that needed to be done. Adding one more thing to my list wasn’t something I needed.

I happened to be in town, and you know that pull in your chest that rumbling of your stomach and butterflies when you drive by a place? Well I just knew something was pulling me to this pharmacy. So I decided to stop by. I walked in this store and it felt like home. I had this warm fuzzy feeling that just overflowed in my bones and my heart. I look around quickly and notice how beautifully arranged this little tiny cottage looking pharmacy is. It was like a dream for me, it wasn’t too warm, or cold. There were beautiful, kind, nice girls behind the counter. There was medicine stacked nicely, and arranged correctly. Everything was so easy to find. What really caught my eyes were the different cards they had for different events. Birthdays, dog sympathy, anniversaries. The were make out of recycled paper and unlike anything I had seen before. For me to say that, means they were pretty special and amazing. Then I saw him, he had gray/white hair, tall and thin and looking at me with the biggest smile I had ever seen. He looked at me in a weird sense, he wasn’t sure what I was doing there but I could tell he was curious! I drifted right toward him. His aura and light shined so bright, I just knew this was where I was suppose to be. We talked for a bit, he introduced me to all the girls that were working there. The girls loved to talk and laugh. When I went off on a story binge they would all laugh, ask questions and participate. They accepting me for who I was. I was not just another number or customer.  They were not catty at all, like the “other place”. They were sweet and loving. I talk to Laney mostly now, she is on top of all my medicine for me and my whole family. She has everything done before I can even ask her. But when I come in all the girls are so friendly and talkative. I absolutely love it! I never have to wait, they each have their own job to do and they do it very well. I don’t know if they have bad days, because they never show it. They always are happy, and happy to see us. I get all the same options that I did at Walgreens, texting notifications, phone call notifications, plus a  million more. I don’t know what it was that pulled me into that pharmacy that day, but I am glad it did.

There are a lot of people in this world that have to take medicine daily. Then there are those that don’t believe in medicine. Well I am one of those people that need medicine. I am bipolar like I have said in many of my stories. Being bipolar is like living on a roller coaster. One minute you’re happy, then the next you want to punch someone in the face. It can change in the course of 5 minutes. So my medicine helps me balance those mood swings, and manic episodes. I need my medicine, it makes my life and my families life so much better and easier and of course happier. If you are dependent on medicine for anything, antibiotics, diabetes, depression, anxiety, bipolar, pain, or many other things then you will understand how important it is having a good pharmacy.

I need my medicine at any given notice and having a place to call my own, where they know my name, and they have my stuff ready. It’s been life changing for me. Not everyone will understand this and I don’t care. But this new place for me… The Medicine Shoppe they have truly changed my life and have made things so incredibly easy for me. I wish I would have switched sooner. So I thought hey why not give them a shout out while explaining that sometimes you just can’t explain things.

http://www.medicineshoppe.com/pharmacy-locations/oklahoma/shawnee/home

 

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2016

For worse, for BETTER

Dedicated to S

The moment I looked at her, the sunshine all around. We were surrounded by thousands of people and I am sure it was loud. I wouldn’t know though, all the sounds went away as I watched her walk up towards me. I instantly felt safe. This looming thick mist attacks my airways and I could not breathe, I could not understand the emotions that were unfolding out from all around me. I could not feel my feet, my legs felt light in fact I couldn’t feel the ground, I guess its what some say is called floating on air. I have never in my life felt this before. It was so strange, it was the only moment I remember from that entire evening.

I don’t think anyone can blame me for chasing this mysterious woman, a little intimidating but I think to myself I can handle her. Will she be able to handle me though? She has this tough exterior. Is she as tough inside as she is outside? Is she secure, stable, got her stuff together? Well I won’t hold you in suspense here, I got a date with her. I watched her closely as she talked about life, I watch her dominate her presence. I felt though I could smell just a hint of fear. Perhaps, I was intimidating as well. Either way, I liked it. There was way more to this woman than what meets the eye. I shivered as she put her hand on my lower back when we were leaving and she held open the door for me. The wind caught our cheeks and the sunlight gleamed from her eyes as she smiled at me, holding the door. I just melted to the floor. I could not walk, my knees were shaking as I climbed up in the big truck. SIGH. That angelic face was stuck in my head for weeks, as we talked over text and over the phone every night, I knew that I had to take a chance and see where this might go with her.

The nights started to become longer and lonelier as I longed for her touch. Her presence next to me keeping me safe, and holding me until I fell asleep. I knew she was the one for me. We have been through so much emotionally, financially, physically but you know what we pulled through stronger than ever. Happy one year anniversary S. I love you.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016