Alexa’s Pawn, a King in Disguise

I’ve been here a merely 30 something years and I’ve come to find that life is like a game of chess. Sometimes your best thought out move is the only thing you have on any given day… to look forward to. Why else would you choose to waste your time doing something so unimportant?

It’s funny how people perceive things as being their idea while you’re just sitting in the back unnoticed not taking credit but with a huge smile on your face as you watch it unfold in front of you so perfectly. Kind of like a whore who’s sweating in the back of the church …watched ever so carefully but at the same time so completely unnoticed. People only show others what they want them to see, rarely do you ever see another’s true self. Why would I be any different? Or am I?

It’s sad that we continue to look away or ignore those things we know deep down aren’t good for us. Pretending for a bit, as they do in fairy tales; to just to tell ourselves we’re special, or unique and we deserve something better than what we’re actually given or what we’ve got right there in front of us. All I know is this, and “this” is simply being that people underestimate me far too often. Which has always been my biggest weapon or attribute, not my biggest weakness. Very few will truly understand what I’m saying, unless they’ve walked the walk I’ve walked or led the life I’ve led. Which, I mean honestly who can say they have? How well do you actually know me or what kind of life I’ve actually had? Were you there? For how long? Exactly.

What life is it you have thought about me having lived where you can justify these labels you’ve slapped on me and judgements you’ve added to my story in your verbal attempts to validate your own formed opinions with the information I have given you? If you’re so knowledgable do tell me this then. Where might I ask did you get your information from, who is your source? I was told while growing up, in fact til this day I’m told frequently, reminded by a certain person that “if you listen to someone long enough they will tell you everything you need to know about them.”

It’s interesting to come to such a simple conclusion after writing all this; especially after having made such bold statements like what I’ve written above with these carefully selected choice of words. So vulnerable, yet so brave and so completely forward, yet so evasive. But do you sit over there thinking to yourself “I see right through her”?

If so, then there’s only one thing left to say. My conclusion concludes with such joy in my soul as I say aloud in a soft whisper…Checkmate.

Billie-Jean Monet

5:20 AM Sunday, June 16. 2019

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Hello old past

Dear… person,

I thought of you today. Something that I don’t allow myself to do often. I took the time to relish my shivers, satisfy my taste buds off and on all day today…settling back on those most profound memories. Circling in my office chair with my hands under my chin. My legs crossed and cozy socks warming my toes. The dynamics, the shifts, the old worn out confidence and how it’s all changed instantly swamped my thoughts… but the reality is I can’t say we ever had anything perfect. I can’t say we ever made commitments or promises, nor set expectations. At least not in the beginning. But I love you, was tossed around. Not lightly, not repetitively, only…just enough. I’ve learned excruciating facts today that crept into the light. So I guess it wasn’t a bad thing. A light bulb going off momentarily. In my mind entered this quote. I always hated it, never felt I understood it.

“If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”

Now, I read it and I feel it. Like, it’s there at the pit of my stomach.

Somehow my days lately have such powerful lessons at the end of them that it’s almost unbearable at times. People dropping like flies, people resurfacing, people testing the waters. I shall stand still. Stand tall and silent like a firm, cold, pale statute. March on. Keep moving. Don’t let anyone not worthy hold me back or stop me from reaching my potential. Earn. Trust. Worthy. Standards. Goodbye old me. Introducing new me: hello world. Hello person. Nice to meet you.

But today, I thought of you. Thank you for the small talk-invite. No really though, Its ok if you never learn, witness, or see the amazing, beautiful growth from what you’ve taught me in my short life.

But yes, Today I thought of you.

Tasha

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 19th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Bittersweet highs and lows

The lights dance across the floor, entangled excitement I just want release For the longing and anticipation that never comes next.

 

I stand in the back, tucked away in the corner while the music dies

You dwindle softly away from me and into the night without me by your side.

 

I keep to myself, I just want to hold your hand and dance but you don’t see me

I’m not the girl you are riding back home with, the one you’re buying drinks for.

 

I’ve given you time, lots of time to process your feelings and thoughts

Yet you leave me hanging around without time to process my own. Left me wanting more.

 

Was there ever a perfect moment, when all you had to do was hold my hair back

Pulling me in close to your chest, a gentle kiss on the forehead was all it would take?

 

To reel me back in this trance you had me in, only now I don’t see how

We could ever be anything but a moment lost in time, a once never known.

 

The hasty decisions, were all mine to make on my own, since it was just I

That was playing this two person game, without participation from you, a simple mistake.

 

It’s you, all you, I just try to run from you and you keep my heart beating, just going

Ninety miles an hour knowing I’ll never be the same, never tamed.

 

Like a drug, I keep coming back for more each time the high goes away

Knowing that I’m just a sucker for the way you move me, I can’t stay.

 

It can’t be love, this game of you loving to see me fall apart just to put me back together

You got me so good, without loving me the way I deserve, driving me insane.

 

All I want you to do is love me, just love me. I am tired of the waste, these broken

Limbs just getting in my way, I’ll run for miles oh just for a taste.

 

Oh but we’ve got tonight, just one night left can we dance and sit by the fire

outside in the back? I don’t know why I let this go on without standing a chance.

 

So goodbye is what I will say for now as I make my way to something grander

and better, something that will stay with me, a bittersweet desire.

 

Tasha Geller

May 21, 2018 

© Tasha Geller 5/21/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Chains

I guess I’m not allowed to have bad days, because being cheerful and bubbly all the time is how I’m suppose to be. I’m not allowed to have bad days.
I guess being tired is not something I’m allowed to be either. I’m 36. I’m young, vibrant, and healthy. I have my whole life to go out there to live. Who has time to rest? Being tired is not something I’m allowed to be.
I guess I’m not allowed to complain either. I should just be prim and proper and keep my mouth closed. Because saying how I feel just isn’t as important to you as your own feelings. I’m not allowed to complain.
I guess I’m not allowed to love. I am to be an independent, self reliant individual. Yet, stay in my lane at all times. Allowing you and only you to give yourself away emotionally to someone else. I’m not even allowed to love.
I guess I’m not allowed to dream. I’m suppose to be inspired, motivated, driven, and successful. Yet, setting goals and achieving them is impossible when they keep getting shot down by your constant need to be in control. I’m not allowed to dream.
I guess I’m not allowed to say goodbye. I’m suppose to be supportive, attentive, and reliable financially and emotionally no matter how bad it gets. Because I am such horrible person that no one would ever be able to love me like you do.  I’m not allowed to say goodbye.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 4/8/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended Video- Halsey- Bad at Love

Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

Broken Truths

The bruises that hurt, the ship that broke
They towed the line, but choked the sail.
A stairway leading down, to the all burning hot flames of the fires exploding from the doors of hell. Hidden creatures in the smoke, so thick. Your visions are void. Senses dull. Left alone you once again out flown by a dove!

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 11/25/2016 6:57pM