You made me a believer

Sandy beaches, rock climbing, mountain hiking, picnics in the park. I’ll even settle for some ice skating. (Wink) Swimming on floaties at the lake, curled up in our blanket at night around the crisp burning fire staring up at the midnight blue sky.

But I won’t sit here in this dimly lit and freshly painted white room. While you pick all the questions to this conversation and then pick apart my answers and analyze them. In a lot of ways it was really just a one sided relationship with you. I’ve always been the type of person that shows you what I think you want to see. Always keeping my dark and hidden secrets to myself. I do have to admit that I showed you more sides than I have shown others: but you did not see all of me. It wasn’t even until I realized my movements and actions were being observed instead of appreciated that I started to back away. You took me for granted and took advantage of my kindness: This loss of trust that occurred and how you cared so little to restore.

Dinner for two in a little corner of my favorite Italian restaurant. Candles blowing their scented smoke in our smiling faces. Holding hands. Music softly playing its notes throughout the air mesmerizing everyone into a love spell. Dancing on the floor in perfect synchronization with your body, I slowly start to melt into you. Gazing in your big brown sparkling eyes. I watch your dark hair fall away from your face and brush the tip of my nose. So close your lips were next to mine.

But then you violated the space I held in the name of respect and accountability. You were a huge f***ing disappointment on so many levels. I don’t even know why I kept coming back. My visions blurred so easily with the harsh and ill spoken words, those words cut so deep it bled out murder. It was such a violent experience within my soul that I had to crumble to the ground with any kind of submissiveness, then rise again from my ashes. Learning ways to always protect my heart. Shield how words affect me. Take back control of my thoughts and realign my aura. My survival skills have set in. My goals are in place.

All I really needed was a little less conversation and a little bit more touch my body. Slip your hands around my waist and pull me in closely. Tightness in my chest, hands shaking, and the floor is moving. The sweat is building up in my palms. My mouth is watering. Straight up animal attraction. It’s all I ever wanted.

I don’t mind saying everything that’s been inside my head. I don’t care if it sounds inconsiderate. I don’t care about it being irate or an ill misconception at its best. I no longer have to lick the sensitive sticker and slap it on anyone’s hand to get them to understand. But specifically for you, understand this: you will never know me. Not all of me. The old me that I left back there in the past with you. You can keep her and your idea of who you thought she was.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Imagine dragons- Believer

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The would be unfaithful wife

A letter from the to be unfaithful wife

I just want what I haven’t had before I think to myself. Is it so hard for you to reach across the table and touch my hand? Reach a little further below, maybe grace my leg with the presence of your hand. I can warm your hands up for you if you’re game. Will you reach into my space, violate my bubble, and torment my desires while bracing your inner courage to kiss me? Statements and questions I ask of you, to get you think about the possibility of being with me in ways you never wanted or craved before. Do you now though? Or have you always? Can you toy with the idea of being with someone that is already taken by someone else? Knowing she will never be yours completely. Only momentarily. Can you keep my secrets? Are you strong enough to realize this is a phase that will disappear before its started? You will be just a curiosity I need to explore. Something I know is bad for me and bad for the one I am suppose to love until death do us part. Yet, a taste of your neck and body on my mouth and lips, the stout, sharp, salty taste lingering on for hours after initial contact. Is it too much to pass up? Just the thought and imagery makes me feel things in my body that I can’t turn off anymore, I have lost all control. I don’t want it back. I want to explore an adventure that shows me what I’ve only ever dreamed about having with you.

Can you handle a good girl gone bad, a girl that’s waiting to be punished? For I do need to be punished so badly for having this lust in me burning like fire. Can your heart disconnect it’s strings from any emotions or attachments? Will you open your soul and reach into the darkest corners, pulling your desires to the surface to show me just how much I have been missing? Will you show me new things? Will you show me who you really are? Are you even capable of this challenge I put before you? Or does your moral compass tilt when you read this? Does an immediate guilt fall over you when you think of my face dancing circles around your lap? Should I put in my request now, or shall we let this drag out a little bit more? Am I reaching too far? Am I out of my lane? What will your decision be?

The dinner party

It all started around 5 pm for food and drinks. I sit by you of course. Is this too close for comfort, I’m thinking? Why should I torture myself sitting so close to you knowing deep down that this is as close as we will ever be. Your lack of response to my letter, and dismissal must mean you were appalled right? Halfway through dinner and only after a few drinks were thrown back, you glance at me and smile. It’s a smile I’ve never seen on you before. There’s something different, those sort of devious curves that wrapped around the corners of your mouth. At one point during dinner we were discussing things that disturb us. You look over at me laughing, while telling one of your experiences with an ex, and you touch me. You place your hand on my shoulder and squeeze it gently. This is out of the norm for you, as you aren’t one to touch anyone even those that are close to you. To top it all off, was when we were getting ready to leave, I gather all my things and head toward the door which is on the other side of you. You wrap your arm around my waist and pull me in brushing your body against mine sending chills down my back, all the while you’re acting as if you are trying to squeeze me by you to get me to the door. Seemingly innocent enough but no doubt out of character and unusual behavior on your behalf. After dinner we all decide that a bar is too smoky and crowded. So to your house it is. Some of our group attendees can’t come, but about 6 of us decided to move the party to your domain. We get to your house and put on some sultry, pop music and some of us start dancing, including myself. I let loose and dance in the dark corner by myself throwing myself into the music. Feeling the vibe, you get up to come next to me and dance. You don’t touch me at all. Just casually dance next to me. Locking eye contact with me, I see your shy side slowly melting away. That stare you are burning into my gaze. That look of yours. After the song ended I went to your bathroom, luckily for me it doesn’t have a lock on it. I use the bathroom and start washing my hands. You come in the door without knocking, you stand next to me as if you don’t know what your next move is. In a sense coming in the bathroom was enough to hint to me the next move would be on me. I grab you and sit you on the toilet, I wrap my hands around your hair locks, I stare at you and watch your expressions. I lean down and tilt your head up and put my mouth on your neck while tightening my grip around your throat. This passion is so strong that I can feel bolts of sharp vibrations shaking it’s way down to my waist and of course much below all the way down to my feet and toes. My legs begin to tremble, you stand up and push me against the wall and cover me and my shadow with your overpowering dominance. Realizing we can only do so much in this small bathroom, we peek out to ensure no one is around. We sneak into your bedroom. That moment and every detail will be forever engraved into my mind. That night was powerful and mighty, by far the best night of my life. Unexpected, but necessary I felt to put this tension between us behind and move on.

A week later

Little did I know moving on would mean you would leave me behind in the dust. I haven’t heard anything back from you since that night. All my text go ignored. You have completely disappeared from my life. Not so much as a hello, or had a great time, or a goodbye letter. No response. No comments. No initiation. You gave me what I was needing, what I was wanting. You showed me what true passion and salvation felt like. However, my spouse is no one to let anything get past her leading her to ask me why depression has fallen so deeply. Followed by why I haven’t mentioned your name or talked about you. I guess she always knew there was something between you and I. My silence is deafening to her ears. My expressions show all my indiscretions. The cold that overtook the room, leaving a ghostly feeling of betrayal. Darkness fell over the room. The heavy solid strike came out of no where, a blunt force trauma to my head. I lay on the ground, blood coming out from the side of my head and running down my left cheek. Everything is foggy, I feel dizzy, I am weak. My body lays limp and numb right there where she left me. Everything turns black and all life I had left in me begins to leave my body. A burglary she said to the men in uniform that came knocking down the doors after her 911 call. In this limbo part of this unknown world where nothing changes, and everything changes I relive our moment together on repeat. I suffer the same demise, the same fate following. It’s not until I wake up the next morning and realize it was all a dream thats showing me a sign, a fortune being told to me of the outcome of what having you in my life will bring.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 4th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Don’t forget to check out the video I picked to set the vibe for this blog.

Pandora’s Box

I stare down at you laying in my arms, my mind wonders off and lands in fantasy land. Your hand traces the outlines of all my curves, your lips wrap around my mouth, the taste so sweet. You whisper things to me that makes my body tremble. You tell me a story, the one you’ve told hundreds of times before.

Yet you take me for a fool, you feed into my desires, playing on thoughts of forever. Do you touch yourself thinking of all the things you beg me to do that no one else can? Do you sit in your corner reminiscing all the paths we’ve been down, down, down? Hashing out what you can say to make me stay just one more time.

But, Oh baby I see through your lies, your lies, all the times you tripped me up, how stupid was I? You cover your eyes when I want to open mine. Yes it’s been lonesome baby, oh baby– but I see your lies, your lies.

Walking down the street, the light flickering off the poles so high up, a sliver of a smoke screen. Like a Hollywood scene, my smile- that kind of bright red lipstick smile, and wearing my neon green fish net stockings with my high heels. I see you over there, I look away from this stranger I see. You grab my hand pulling me back in with your kiss trapping me in your reality once again. Why can’t you just stay away, my pandoras box, just stay away.

Yet you take me for a fool, you feed into my desires, playing on thoughts of forever. Do you touch yourself thinking of all the things you beg me to do that no one else can? Do you sit in your corner reminiscing all the paths we’ve been down, down, down? Hashing out what you can say to make me stay just one more time.

But, Oh baby I see through your lies, your lies, all the times you tripped me up, how stupid was I? You cover your eyes when I want to open mine. Yes it’s been lonesome baby, oh baby– but I see your lies, your lies.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, September 11th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.