The worse is yet to come 3/20/2017

I thought I would sit down at my desk and type out a little tonight. It’s been awhile, I apologize to my followers for not keeping up with my writing. I know it’s something I am suppose to do when I have a blog going and many people that depend on my writings to make them feel more alive. But, when you don’t feel alive yourself, how are you suppose to help others. I have been a little lost and stumped I guess I should say. My life has been so up and down since last October to be honest. As you all know I am bipolar and my meds got all messed up and then they changed, then they didn’t work and now I am unmedicated for today, one day only. It’s still hell, you have no idea unless you’ve been where I am. I had to taper down on the last medicine I was on that had only worked for two weeks. So, I start back on lithium tomorrow morning and I really hope it works out for me this time, without my body developing the hard core side effects.  With a lower dosage, maybe I can have somewhat of a decent life. At this point I will take anything I can get. At what cost, I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’ve been scratching my head and clawing my way out of this deep dark hole since the end of last year that my nails are down to the quick. I don’t look pretty or feel pretty when I am depressed, manic, or out of my mind. My hair was falling out for a while, my eyes had dark circles under them, and I gained about 20 pounds already this year with the medicines changing so much. Feeling high and feeling low does not have its perks. There is no pretty when it comes to not wanting to wake up in the morning. There are so many wounds left open, the scars can’t heal when they won’t close. I have pushed so many people away, and for good reasons, but to do it when your emotions are at an all high. Well, it doesn’t make for a good time let’s just say that. I feel a thunderstorm coming on in my life, even though I’ve weathered this horrible storm already for so many months. It feels as if the worst hasn’t come yet still. I’m still breathing, I am surviving yes, but it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to just make it day to day. I want to live and be happy. I want to jump for joy once in a while. I want to wake up with a smile on my face. I don’t want to sit in my chair with pity in my mind and self loathing, not wanting to move forward or even get out of bed. I’m still breathing… right?  I have a family that loves me, I have a great job, I have friends that are supportive, and I have many people in the medical field rooting for me to get better. But, way in the back of my mind I am hopeless. I am sad, mad, tired, worthless, useless, and haven’t been attentive to my responsibilities. Big and small. Short and tall. Far and wide. Everything seems so big yet so far away. I feel like I am falling into the ocean and letting the waves just take me out to sea, watching everyone and everything I love disappear. The worse part is I am totally ok with that in this state. Yet, I get irritable and snap at everyone. I don’t want to be around people in these moments and when they get trapped in my stare they get the blunt worse of it. It’s gotta be complicated for those that are close to me, up front with these raw emotions flying around all over the place and out of place for most have never seen this side of me. They see the happy Tasha, the one that’s the life of the party. Some deserve it, most don’t. I have however learned to establish emotion boundaries, but that’s the only good thing I have accomplished in over 5 months. That literally sucks the life out of me just writing that. I am so disappointed in myself and some of my actions. I didn’t intend on hurting anyone but some people have just gotten caught up in the cross fires. It’s all my fault to blame, I guess. But, this rollercoaster ride definitely isn’t for everyone and not everyone can handle a broken person such as I or have the desire to, to be honest. But as broken as I may be, I know the beautiful inside of me is dying to come out and play. I am ready to make a break. I am ready to run down the road with the sunshine in my eyes, the glare staring back at me in the face, and the warmth sweating down my back.  I used to be so happy, I used to be wonderful. I used to be a lot of things and had so much to look forward to. I still do have a lot to look forward to. It’s the only thing that has kept me going. Watching my two boys grow up and see them graduate high school and college, get married, and have their own kids. For I have been given a second chance at life. Well, actually make that a third chance. I know I should have so much to be grateful for. But, why can’t I feel this way. Why is everything so dark and gloomy for me, and what will come of this storm I feel coming. I know it’s going to be bad, I just feel it in my bones. You all have those feelings deep down inside and you know that you are journeying to a predestined atmosphere,  unknown to oneself. What is it, what will happen? Why can’t I ever catch a break? Will there ever be that time in my life where I am happy for more than 6 months without something bad happening to me?

I am still sitting here at this shaken down, beaten desk of mine, wobbling my head back and forth listening to Lorde. Somehow she brings me solitude in these horrid times. I feel the chill rise up my arms and down my shoulders then down my back and legs. The trembling never stops. The shaking never lets up. Yes, it’s fear you are reading that is blasting me out on this blog of mine. The sky is darkening here in my neck of the woods and the time for me to close my night is approaching. I do not want to fall asleep and have the dream catcher catch me again. He never stops chasing me, he keeps me up all hours of the night and it’s scary. I dread the time to come where I have to lay my head down on my soft puffy pillows and curl up into a ball under my comforter next to this mate of mine that had no idea what she was getting herself into when she married me. So dedicated she is though. I don’t want to fall asleep because I fear the worst, that another day passed where I accomplished nothing. Knowing deep down, I may only ever be just an emotional wreck. I don’t expect anyone to understand this, but I know some of you will because you have been there before or maybe you are going through it just the same. Will it ever end? How am I going to get through this week? Prayer isn’t helping, nor is meditating. Group therapy has it’s perks but in there, there is no rest for the broken individuals and I feel everything they are feeling and taking it upon myself and some days I come out the other end worse than when I went in. Not anyones fault, I bring it on myself, but I am left here stuck wondering what will ever work for me? Individual therapy has come to an end for me at the moment, the trust was broken and I was left out in the woods alone and scared and no one to catch me falling when I was at my worse, by the only person who could ever pull me out and make me see clearly. That person is gone and there is this hole in my heart that is stretching more with each day, each week. I just want to heal. I want to get out of this slump. I want happiness, I want peace. I just don’t see the possibilities, there is no light at the end of this tunnel today. What will tomorrow bring?

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, March 20, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Advertisements

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011

 

The Fat Girls Closet

The bodacious sound of two fat butt cheeks slapping together, my arms pulling as hard as they can, my fingers grip the top of the pants. I sway to the left, I sway to the right, I bend down like its somehow going to help. I pull up as fast as I can with my fingers well tight and snug around the end, where I button and zip up my pants. Finally I got them on. Inside my mind right then, that moment I thought I have to lose weight.

I look in the mirror to try and determine if my belly hanging over can be hidden by a specific kind of shirt. Oh, is it cold enough to wear a long scarf? Is it cold enough to wear a hoodie? After being fat for a good while, you learn to buy sweats, or the pretty ones from old navy so you don’t look too terrible. You learn to take pictures from different angles so you don’t have a double chin or so people can’t see your belly or arms. You learn to contour your makeup so that your makeup gives you certain features that make you look thinner. You learn to wear mens T-Shirts so your double arm is hidden in the sleeve. You learn to wear browns and blacks because it makes you look thinner. You learn to stop wearing the cute clothes you always wore before. Why?

Today in america, models are thinner than they have ever been. Every where we look there is someone famous that is walking the red carpet with the thinnest dress, and they are listed as best dressed. Why when someone sees us, they see someone they are conditioned to believe is ugly simply because we are overweight? When we try to express our individuality we are told the outfit we are wearing was not designed for someone like ourselves, someone the size we are. What? That we are fat? That we are overweight?

Grow up, you are not perfect yourself. You may work out at the gym, and wear all the nice clothes and are in fashion from the moment you step out of your house. That doesn’t mean that you are better than I am. It doesn’t mean you are smarter than I am. Really it just means that you are superficial. In your world people like me need to get off our butts and hit the gym. You would dare not ever be seen on a date with someone my size. That’s so sad, to be a 12-14 I should not feel fat. I should not have to look in the mirror and feel horrible about myself. If my sons want to wear blue nail polish on their thumb nails or toe nails, who am I to take away that innocent. That is all it is. People make it out to be what they are conditioned to believe because its different. We are all different.

Will the world ever get better in our generation? The world just keeps getting worse. There are too many people that are self entitled, and only relate to what is cool in our media or what they read. The media used to be an outlet for everyone to be educated with what is happening in the world. Now it’s just a circus, which channel can get the most viewers. Let’s do something so whack that it blows away peoples minds. Taylor Swift and Kanye? That’s not the kind of education I want to know. That needs to stay in the entertainment magazines or youtube channels, it does not belong on the news. What has this world come to? Seriously ask yourselves, why are clothes, makeup, extensions, pedicures, manicures, tanning, working out, having the most likes on twitter or youtube, being the coolest so important to you? Wouldn’t you rather feed the hungry, comfort women of domestic violence, be a friend to an overweight person and not judge them, help those that are needy, stop being so greedy, take care of each other. Even if they sin. Say they are gay, or transgender, or they were in prison, or perhaps are ex addicts, current addicts. We all have faults. Let’s stop judging each other! Be kind to each other. Smiles are contagious you know, and hugs, well they heal.

So next time you see a fat person instead of being disgusted just hope that they are happy, no judgements.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

The Medicine Shoppe

I start making my way home from Walgreens, crying and so irritated that I punch my steering wheel multiple times. Then I realized at the stop light, the car next to me had a small child sitting in the back watching me, waving at me and blowing me a kiss. I sure wish I could feel like a child again, so innocent and sweet. Showing love to anyone they see. The world doesn’t exist as a big bad world to a child. Innocent and always forgiving they are. Why can’t we as adults be so forgiving? Why can’t we all be blind to color, blind to weight, blind to how much money you have? It’s always something, there is always a neighbor or friend comparing their lives and things to yours. Why must we be judged for the things we don’t have or do have? Why must we all fit a certain criteria for anyone to care for you or about you? What happened to family cook outs, and picnics by the lake? Why do we have our phones in our hands all the time. Why do we care more about our paychecks than our actual job? So many questions and no one there to answer them.

It wasn’t too long ago I had to take on Walgreens this big bad corporate world. What I mean by bad, is that is they never had my medicine ready, they were rude, it took at least 2 hours, and they have a racist employee there. I have complained at last 10 different times and not one person called me, emailed me, or even reached out to talk to me about my issues there. My insurance isn’t taken very many places. However, there is good to this story. I found a new pharmacy. Someone told me about it a long time ago, and I have driven by it several times. But each time I passed this pharmacy I told myself its just going to take to long to talk to them, transfer my stuff, or even explain why I needed a new pharmacy. I have kids, homework, school, cleaning, cooking, working my full time job, finishing my book and anything else that needed to be done. Adding one more thing to my list wasn’t something I needed.

I happened to be in town, and you know that pull in your chest that rumbling of your stomach and butterflies when you drive by a place? Well I just knew something was pulling me to this pharmacy. So I decided to stop by. I walked in this store and it felt like home. I had this warm fuzzy feeling that just overflowed in my bones and my heart. I look around quickly and notice how beautifully arranged this little tiny cottage looking pharmacy is. It was like a dream for me, it wasn’t too warm, or cold. There were beautiful, kind, nice girls behind the counter. There was medicine stacked nicely, and arranged correctly. Everything was so easy to find. What really caught my eyes were the different cards they had for different events. Birthdays, dog sympathy, anniversaries. The were make out of recycled paper and unlike anything I had seen before. For me to say that, means they were pretty special and amazing. Then I saw him, he had gray/white hair, tall and thin and looking at me with the biggest smile I had ever seen. He looked at me in a weird sense, he wasn’t sure what I was doing there but I could tell he was curious! I drifted right toward him. His aura and light shined so bright, I just knew this was where I was suppose to be. We talked for a bit, he introduced me to all the girls that were working there. The girls loved to talk and laugh. When I went off on a story binge they would all laugh, ask questions and participate. They accepting me for who I was. I was not just another number or customer.  They were not catty at all, like the “other place”. They were sweet and loving. I talk to Laney mostly now, she is on top of all my medicine for me and my whole family. She has everything done before I can even ask her. But when I come in all the girls are so friendly and talkative. I absolutely love it! I never have to wait, they each have their own job to do and they do it very well. I don’t know if they have bad days, because they never show it. They always are happy, and happy to see us. I get all the same options that I did at Walgreens, texting notifications, phone call notifications, plus a  million more. I don’t know what it was that pulled me into that pharmacy that day, but I am glad it did.

There are a lot of people in this world that have to take medicine daily. Then there are those that don’t believe in medicine. Well I am one of those people that need medicine. I am bipolar like I have said in many of my stories. Being bipolar is like living on a roller coaster. One minute you’re happy, then the next you want to punch someone in the face. It can change in the course of 5 minutes. So my medicine helps me balance those mood swings, and manic episodes. I need my medicine, it makes my life and my families life so much better and easier and of course happier. If you are dependent on medicine for anything, antibiotics, diabetes, depression, anxiety, bipolar, pain, or many other things then you will understand how important it is having a good pharmacy.

I need my medicine at any given notice and having a place to call my own, where they know my name, and they have my stuff ready. It’s been life changing for me. Not everyone will understand this and I don’t care. But this new place for me… The Medicine Shoppe they have truly changed my life and have made things so incredibly easy for me. I wish I would have switched sooner. So I thought hey why not give them a shout out while explaining that sometimes you just can’t explain things.

http://www.medicineshoppe.com/pharmacy-locations/oklahoma/shawnee/home

 

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2016

For worse, for BETTER

Dedicated to S

The moment I looked at her, the sunshine all around. We were surrounded by thousands of people and I am sure it was loud. I wouldn’t know though, all the sounds went away as I watched her walk up towards me. I instantly felt safe. This looming thick mist attacks my airways and I could not breathe, I could not understand the emotions that were unfolding out from all around me. I could not feel my feet, my legs felt light in fact I couldn’t feel the ground, I guess its what some say is called floating on air. I have never in my life felt this before. It was so strange, it was the only moment I remember from that entire evening.

I don’t think anyone can blame me for chasing this mysterious woman, a little intimidating but I think to myself I can handle her. Will she be able to handle me though? She has this tough exterior. Is she as tough inside as she is outside? Is she secure, stable, got her stuff together? Well I won’t hold you in suspense here, I got a date with her. I watched her closely as she talked about life, I watch her dominate her presence. I felt though I could smell just a hint of fear. Perhaps, I was intimidating as well. Either way, I liked it. There was way more to this woman than what meets the eye. I shivered as she put her hand on my lower back when we were leaving and she held open the door for me. The wind caught our cheeks and the sunlight gleamed from her eyes as she smiled at me, holding the door. I just melted to the floor. I could not walk, my knees were shaking as I climbed up in the big truck. SIGH. That angelic face was stuck in my head for weeks, as we talked over text and over the phone every night, I knew that I had to take a chance and see where this might go with her.

The nights started to become longer and lonelier as I longed for her touch. Her presence next to me keeping me safe, and holding me until I fell asleep. I knew she was the one for me. We have been through so much emotionally, financially, physically but you know what we pulled through stronger than ever. Happy one year anniversary S. I love you.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

 

7/29/16

 

Saved Draft- Polished

 

It’s funny h0w I watch and listen to everyone in the media, all these celebrities, and moguls themselves are saying they are so smart and can do great things but they are in debt. People who drive up in a car that could have bought 5 different families homes. Why? Why do you need that car? Now to me that is not someone I would take advice from because they don’t see sensible. Up there in the spotlight, making all this money. So my only conclusion since they don’t donate or build charities, is that they spend their money on material things that are outrageously expensive just to keep up with the Joneses next door or to be in a magazine showing “America” all their great things. Let’s make America great again. Buying all these things that are meant to impress other people is that like a form of insecurity? Or are they selfish? I see homeless people all the time, or woman who goes through abuse with their lover and have no where to go with their babies, or the children that come up to you when you are eating something and ask if they can have some? What about these folks, oh that’s right you worked very hard for your money. Why should you have to give it to anyone that doesn’t deserve it? Well if it weren’t for people like us common folk you wouldn’t have that money. Isn’t it us normal folk that buy your companies things? Did you inherit it that company? Refuse to share it? You will never reach your spiritual growth level that every person deserves. It brings peace, it eliminates stress, and keeps happiness on lock down. How can you sit back and watch people SUFFER and starve or cry themselves to sleep, when you have the power to change things? Sad. It really is, and NO ONE is doing anything about it.

Now for me, when people try to impress me I am more apt to listen to them if they are telling me ways to reach my growth. Telling me their experiences and how they’ve come so far to get where they are and to have what they need. Things they bought because they needed them, not because of some pressure to live up to societies standards and be like all the cool kids. People impress me when they open doors for people. Help a waitress clean a drink on the table spilled. A young man helping an old woman get her groceries put in her car and put her cart up. You know that thing called manners. Common courtesy. Love.

When you grow up, you realize that this world is a horrible place for some people. You should always do everything you can to help anyone you can. You come to understand that there is more to life than working, and going home or going to the bar to party all night. We are now more than ever in a crisis and everyone needs to come together, whites, blacks, muslims, mexicans, italians, purple, and anyone else. There is a higher power somewhere dictating and pulling the strings to divide us. That is the ONLY way to defeat wait…. DESTROY America. Turn us against each other and take each other out. People who don’t see this, need to be made aware. Problem is everyone is so defensive, angry, unsure what to think that they end up shutting you out when you mention it.

Please when you wake up tomorrow, do something for someone. Wife, Husband, Kid, Neighbor, Church Member, stranger, anyone. Even if its to stop them and give them a hug.

Let’s start spreading LOVE and Positive VIBES, and HOPE.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016