No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Last moments 10-29-2016

So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,

I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,

my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.

Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,

for yet they have been blind in life so far.

How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,

I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.

I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.

I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.

Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?

How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.

Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?

Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?

I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.

Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?

Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?

Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?

Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?

I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,

I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.

I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.

My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.

I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,

as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.

The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.

The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016

The Sociopath

It all started with a simple search. What kind of man will be able to work and provide for a family? What kind of man will always have the best benefits for the rest of his life? Who can I convince that even though I have a child already, that I am worthy of marrying. All these choices, which one is the cutest, which one comes from money, what can I get from each of these? Hmmm… Pros and Cons. So many criterias they have to meet.

It all started with a simple thought of who can I find to take care of me and my child. I refuse to work, I want to stay at home and be a mom that other moms envy. With those experience in those different places no one envies me at all, because I am a horrible mother to these children. I have no degrees, or education or even experience to help me get a job. I don’t care to either. This is the life I want and I will do whatever it takes to keep it. However, I am beautiful, a little heavy set but once you look, you can’t look away. I am a very submissive girl, that loves to please. I will do anything to please you as long as it allows me control over you. I will give you sex or some form of sex every day. Anytime it’s wanted. I want to own every part of you. I want to make sure any decisions and actions you take are only what I say you will do. When you don’t give me what I want I just take that away from you. You need to be punished for not listening and doing what I say.

I will make sure you feel guilty, horrible, and anything I can to make you feel like you are not a good husband or father because you might stray. I will not allow you to have friends, and if any of my friends look at you the wrong way I will start a verbal fight removing them from our lives. I will cry and make it everyone else’s fault. I will tell him things that aren’t true so he will feel bad for me and side with me. I do not want a man that thinks for himself, although I will let him think that he does. A little manipulation, and reverse psychology goes a long way. I should know, I have been doing this for years.

I now have several children, to me I think hey if I ever get divorced thats a big chunk of child support, and since I don’t work spousal support as well. In the mean time I have taken everything I could have from his family. Vehicles, loans, house, money, anything I wanted. If things don’t go my way I just start crying on the spot, this gets those idiots every time. Especially him, the husband. He thinks he’s a knight in shining armor there to protect me and keep me and the kids safe. All I have to do is cry about a situation and instantly he is there defending me. Even with his own mother. I got this shit on lock down. I do not have to do laundry, or cook, or clean. My husband gets up in the middle of the night to feed, and change diapers. He takes my oldest to school now on his way to work. He gets home and cleans up what he can, gets us food or cooks most nights. He does laundry, goes grocery shopping most of the time by himself because (it’s just too hard with the kids). He takes care of the babies, and does the oldest homework with him every night. He baths the children most of the time, and puts them to bed. After a long hard day at work, coming home to work some more instead of enjoying his off time, well I will just reward him with a little you know what. That always does the trick. I’m not lazy or anything I can do these things and every now and then will just to say I’ve done it. I just don’t want to do anything that doesn’t interest me.

I literally do nothing all day but sleep and change diapers when the babies start crying. I have to get better at this, they keep getting rashes and infections. I watch tv shows to take away my boredom. I sometimes take the babies to the park and take pictures to make it look like I am a stand up mom. I love taking pictures, editing them because I am so good at that and sending them everyone…well everyone that is on my good side. Because I am that type of person where if you piss me off I will hold anything I can against you, including the children. These kids are my golden ticket, don’t you see. I don’t care if you are family or not. You just don’t get on my bad side or make me mad. Definitely do not put me in my place or point out that I am not perfect, otherwise I will seek revenge and turn into a demon and destroy your life. Yes be afraid, you better light that fear in you because I am ruthless. Or at least I think I am. I had these kids for a reason, and one of those reasons is so that I can use them against whoever to get my way. I don’t care that it hurts my kids.Oh but they are young I can do this while they are young they won’t know. Right? I will do what I want regardless of what you say, because I am very immature and don’t realize that yet. But I have a beautiful face so that makes it ok right? Oh, and I know I am right and you are wrong so that counts right?

I have all the passwords to my husbands accounts such as Facebook, I even set my own photo as his profile picture just so that in case anyone from his past or present go to his page, they see he has me. I think this keeps those hoes away, because I don’t trust my husband enough to put them in check. I have control issues. None of these things bother me, although I will cry and cry like they do. If I think someone is on to me, I create chaos with everyone they know and try to turn people against them.

I am very insecure, I refuse to let someone take him away since I have worked so hard to get him and keep him but I do have fear that he might one day wake up and realize the kind of person I am and leave me and take the kids with him. So I will continue this control, I will read his messages and notifications for Facebook also and I am sure that my phone is signed into his account not mine. I always check his phone, I have him take his calls on speaker phone so I can hear the conversation. I don’t trust him, he is going to hide something from me if I don’t do this, he doesn’t see it as an insult yet, thank god. There are lots of things he doesn’t realize, and as long as he doesn’t everything will be just fine. I have even had him come home in the middle of the work day because I am sick (cough, cough) but really I just want to sleep. He can deal with the kids. I have no conscience but I am great at pretending that I do.

~The Sociopath

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

The Sociopath ©copyright 2016