Parallels

My heart beats so fast whenever you’re around.

My hands tremble, twisted together, bound.

The metal jingles around my head, the air is a mist of sweat.

Never thought I’d end up here, in this moment, a lost bet.

My legs look pretty red, wonder what it looks like from behind?

The stinging lingers, our souls sharing this single night of design.

We fade away once again, getting swept aside by pride.

When I said I’d say no next time, I’d be lying to say I tried.

Back here for more, your lips so softly placed upon mine.

Puts my mind in naughty places, is that such a crime?

Another night we tell ourselves will be the last.

We should know our time together has surpassed.

The rain falls above my head, the cold keeps me inside.

I’ll be looking outside though with a smile, always, waving goodbye.

You’ll be a memory that is cherished for the rest of my days.

Always a fond existence, a picture perfect transference of parting ways.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 1/18/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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Endless Thoughts

These wooden chairs with the uncomfortable cushions I’m sitting in couldn’t even take away from this view. I don’t think anyone could take away these feelings of bliss and freedom that I feel so heavily in my heart right now. The sun rises into the sky and breaks through the clouds like a beautiful Monet painted for only a select few to witness. I feel so lucky.

Happiness with a dose of harmony never comes together for me at the same time in my life. Yes I truly believe there is a difference. Lately, it’s been changing in every area of my life though. Yet, all I’ve been finding in this unfiltered realm is this perfect combination. Nothing seems to be a barrier. Nothing is too small or too big to take on. I feel a sense of self satisfaction taking over. Taking moments to myself, and focusing on handing out individual attention sporadically has proven to be healthy for me. I don’t need to know everyone and everyone doesn’t need to know me.

I suppose it’s safe to assume everyone has dark, hidden kept secrets buried deep in their hearts. I know I do. I always have. I always will. I take a peek every now and then just to remind myself why it’s better up here on the surface. You see, I’m notorious for getting myself into deep water or just plain down right into some kind of trouble. This new outlook on life though has me looking at things a lot differently. What I can do ultimately to change into something better? Someone I like a little bit more…  I kinda like it here. This realm I’ve been blessed with. I think I’ll stay and camp out here for awhile. Take in the fresh air. Kick back and enjoy each and every one of my sunrises.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

The Realization That Set Her Free

She kept it in for so long trying to hang on to what she thought they could have had. They had nothing though, realistically. After it was all said and done he ended up walking out of her life anyways. All those feelings and the time she put in was a waste of effort and energy. She bit her tongue when all she wanted to do was tell him how he slowly tortured her by making her feel things down there. She wanted something from him. Just wasn’t sure what that was at the time. With time on her side this time, her eyes have been opened. Was it intentional on his part? Maybe not. Maybe so. If she had to guess she thinks he knew exactly what he was doing. For what? For a boost in his ego? If he didn’t, then how stupid was he not to notice that she was feeling the sexual vibes he was generating and sucking them into her skin. That’s neither here nor there. Did he just really walk away and throw away everything that reminded him of her? Did he really just throw her out like a piece of trash? Oooh, the hurt that sunk in her deep.

She hopes that one day he will look back and find a memory of her haunting him. Why? Simply because he hurt her, and on some level she wanted him to feel the same kind of hurt. She however, will never see him the same anymore. All those thoughts and fantasies have moved on to someone new. There will always be someone new, because like Halsey sings “I’m bad at love.” She never promised to give him any part of her body, but he could have taken her by storm so easily. The would be heated moments filled with sweat and positions unknown to most. She knows now how she was weak minded and didn’t have it in her the strength to say no, can anyone really blame her though? Never once did he put her in the position to discover all her cards she thought she was hiding so well. She knows now what it all meant. She’s bad at love you see, maybe he was too? In hindsight she could never treat him better than any other person out there. He is just like all the others that held her heart, dropping it, letting it shatter all over the floor. Leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He no longer has anything to offer her that she doesn’t already have. It’s irrelevant now. After all she has been through, she is now wrapped up and entangled into a twist with a new lover. Set out to discover this new world that she was scared of. Why was she ever scared? It seems to come so easy to her now. Oh how she was missing out.

Yes, he missed a golden opportunity of something he never thought he wanted. Or did he want it? He sheltered his feelings from her, holding back all that he thought was precious and one of a kind. Baby, she said, “I hate to break it down like this, but I found what I was looking for elsewhere”. She found herself on her own without the help she thought she needed from him. All that pent up lust she was feeling, the smoldering mist that covered her body, causing a trembling within and the anticipation for sure has been brought to the surface for her by someone else. Someone who took the chance. Something she thought would never be possible because the hold he had on her was so strong and not from this world. She realizes after all this time, she didn’t need his kisses, his hands around her throat, his fingers between her legs, or his self proclaimed unique experiences. She realized finally that she doesn’t need anyone. She can get these feelings with just about anyone. A realization that has set her and her soul free.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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Declarations

Just know that I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

I can’t say I’ll never hurt you again or you will not hurt me. I’m adamant now that all the pain we’ve experienced is just like a storm, passing through but in the end bringing a calm and peaceful understanding. Every bone, every organ, and my entire soul in my body belongs to you my love. Even when there’s all those people that are shiny and new coming and going. Never will I neglect the responsibilities and the commitment we share. I understand other people are temporary and you are permanent. Never wanting to leave my side and always tuned in to my distractions. I can’t be mad at you for that. A true blessing you are… that I have taken for granted at different points on our journey. But those were only a momentarily misstep that was so insignificant on every level except one. That one thing being the realization that no one else in this world could ever compare to you. I think you have realized this too. It’s all going to be ok.

Commitment hit us like a natural piece of existence that’s always resided inside each of us. It was almost perfect before one of the windows looking into our lives shattered. All those empty spaces that have chased us relentlessly have been filled with different things. For me it was a betrayal that some would call minor. However, to me it could have been a means to an end. We were walking on a stretched out fine line of fake opportunities and living with unrealistic expectations. A little chaotic and cluttered those spaces were, but still it is ours to keep forever. Yet it was all merely distractions wouldn’t you agree? Over the years we have overcome all the barriers that we were presented with. There will be many more for this we should know and accept. For me, I will stand still, observe, and release. A lesson taken from my past and those mistakes that molded me into who I’m becoming on this new journey.

We have never been here before though. This intense, overpowering, and situational place. Loyalty has not been completely stripped, instead it’s taken on a whole new identity. We will no longer feel lost and wondering what if, or what was. Right? Did we learn this time, is it going to become what we know and live by? Was it all for nothing these struggles or was it everything we’ve been missing and needing to strengthen our bond?

I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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