The worse is yet to come 3/20/2017

I thought I would sit down at my desk and type out a little tonight. It’s been awhile, I apologize to my followers for not keeping up with my writing. I know it’s something I am suppose to do when I have a blog going and many people that depend on my writings to make them feel more alive. But, when you don’t feel alive yourself, how are you suppose to help others. I have been a little lost and stumped I guess I should say. My life has been so up and down since last October to be honest. As you all know I am bipolar and my meds got all messed up and then they changed, then they didn’t work and now I am unmedicated for today, one day only. It’s still hell, you have no idea unless you’ve been where I am. I had to taper down on the last medicine I was on that had only worked for two weeks. So, I start back on lithium tomorrow morning and I really hope it works out for me this time, without my body developing the hard core side effects.  With a lower dosage, maybe I can have somewhat of a decent life. At this point I will take anything I can get. At what cost, I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’ve been scratching my head and clawing my way out of this deep dark hole since the end of last year that my nails are down to the quick. I don’t look pretty or feel pretty when I am depressed, manic, or out of my mind. My hair was falling out for a while, my eyes had dark circles under them, and I gained about 20 pounds already this year with the medicines changing so much. Feeling high and feeling low does not have its perks. There is no pretty when it comes to not wanting to wake up in the morning. There are so many wounds left open, the scars can’t heal when they won’t close. I have pushed so many people away, and for good reasons, but to do it when your emotions are at an all high. Well, it doesn’t make for a good time let’s just say that. I feel a thunderstorm coming on in my life, even though I’ve weathered this horrible storm already for so many months. It feels as if the worst hasn’t come yet still. I’m still breathing, I am surviving yes, but it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to just make it day to day. I want to live and be happy. I want to jump for joy once in a while. I want to wake up with a smile on my face. I don’t want to sit in my chair with pity in my mind and self loathing, not wanting to move forward or even get out of bed. I’m still breathing… right?  I have a family that loves me, I have a great job, I have friends that are supportive, and I have many people in the medical field rooting for me to get better. But, way in the back of my mind I am hopeless. I am sad, mad, tired, worthless, useless, and haven’t been attentive to my responsibilities. Big and small. Short and tall. Far and wide. Everything seems so big yet so far away. I feel like I am falling into the ocean and letting the waves just take me out to sea, watching everyone and everything I love disappear. The worse part is I am totally ok with that in this state. Yet, I get irritable and snap at everyone. I don’t want to be around people in these moments and when they get trapped in my stare they get the blunt worse of it. It’s gotta be complicated for those that are close to me, up front with these raw emotions flying around all over the place and out of place for most have never seen this side of me. They see the happy Tasha, the one that’s the life of the party. Some deserve it, most don’t. I have however learned to establish emotion boundaries, but that’s the only good thing I have accomplished in over 5 months. That literally sucks the life out of me just writing that. I am so disappointed in myself and some of my actions. I didn’t intend on hurting anyone but some people have just gotten caught up in the cross fires. It’s all my fault to blame, I guess. But, this rollercoaster ride definitely isn’t for everyone and not everyone can handle a broken person such as I or have the desire to, to be honest. But as broken as I may be, I know the beautiful inside of me is dying to come out and play. I am ready to make a break. I am ready to run down the road with the sunshine in my eyes, the glare staring back at me in the face, and the warmth sweating down my back.  I used to be so happy, I used to be wonderful. I used to be a lot of things and had so much to look forward to. I still do have a lot to look forward to. It’s the only thing that has kept me going. Watching my two boys grow up and see them graduate high school and college, get married, and have their own kids. For I have been given a second chance at life. Well, actually make that a third chance. I know I should have so much to be grateful for. But, why can’t I feel this way. Why is everything so dark and gloomy for me, and what will come of this storm I feel coming. I know it’s going to be bad, I just feel it in my bones. You all have those feelings deep down inside and you know that you are journeying to a predestined atmosphere,  unknown to oneself. What is it, what will happen? Why can’t I ever catch a break? Will there ever be that time in my life where I am happy for more than 6 months without something bad happening to me?

I am still sitting here at this shaken down, beaten desk of mine, wobbling my head back and forth listening to Lorde. Somehow she brings me solitude in these horrid times. I feel the chill rise up my arms and down my shoulders then down my back and legs. The trembling never stops. The shaking never lets up. Yes, it’s fear you are reading that is blasting me out on this blog of mine. The sky is darkening here in my neck of the woods and the time for me to close my night is approaching. I do not want to fall asleep and have the dream catcher catch me again. He never stops chasing me, he keeps me up all hours of the night and it’s scary. I dread the time to come where I have to lay my head down on my soft puffy pillows and curl up into a ball under my comforter next to this mate of mine that had no idea what she was getting herself into when she married me. So dedicated she is though. I don’t want to fall asleep because I fear the worst, that another day passed where I accomplished nothing. Knowing deep down, I may only ever be just an emotional wreck. I don’t expect anyone to understand this, but I know some of you will because you have been there before or maybe you are going through it just the same. Will it ever end? How am I going to get through this week? Prayer isn’t helping, nor is meditating. Group therapy has it’s perks but in there, there is no rest for the broken individuals and I feel everything they are feeling and taking it upon myself and some days I come out the other end worse than when I went in. Not anyones fault, I bring it on myself, but I am left here stuck wondering what will ever work for me? Individual therapy has come to an end for me at the moment, the trust was broken and I was left out in the woods alone and scared and no one to catch me falling when I was at my worse, by the only person who could ever pull me out and make me see clearly. That person is gone and there is this hole in my heart that is stretching more with each day, each week. I just want to heal. I want to get out of this slump. I want happiness, I want peace. I just don’t see the possibilities, there is no light at the end of this tunnel today. What will tomorrow bring?

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, March 20, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

The cancer patient

As I lay at the bottom of this tiny squared shower, the hot water running down my shoulders and around my tummy, my knees curled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I sob softly afraid of anyone in the house hearing me. I look down at the drain and see hundreds of strands of black hair circling around and slowly clogging it up. Its been awhile now that my hair has been falling out, I have been able to secure a way to hide it by wearing hats and pulling it up into a bun. The front though, its kinda hard to miss the balding that is happening there. But if you don’t know to look, you don’t see it.

My life has been pretty good now that I look back at everything I have been through. It’s really taught me some hard tough lessons and those have gotten me out of a lot of situations in my past and in my present. So even though I cried myself to sleep often as a child and as an adult, it was nothing compared to the pain I will see on my children’s face as I lay in the hospital and explain to them that I will not be around for their high school graduation, their college graduation, their wedding, or even get the opportunity to meet my hopefully many grandchildren they have.  This is my third go around with cancer and I know I should have removed everything, and just have been done with it altogether. How though? When I knew I wanted another child. I waited too long and its too hard at this stage to pass it off as symptoms of a disorder. Yet still no one has noticed. I have managed to keep it in part to myself. I have seen too many tears in my lifetime, to see more over me would be too sad for me to handle.

The pains that lay inside my womb, and outside my abdomen, scratch its way into my chest and lungs. Coughing is so hard, my head feels as its going to explode. I wish it would. I would rather be dead than have my children and family see me suffer as I wait this out. Life is hard and I have always been confused by others actions, or responses to me. I have had a pretty good support system though, and I have a great family. I was able to get my joy by playing every sport in high school, going to college to learn new things, and have children which I never thought would have been possible. I have had the pleasure of storytelling my life through pictures, poems, and writing. One day when people look back and see my name, they will smile. They will be filled with tears of happiness knowing that I have found God, and peace, and I was finally ready to go. I will rejoice in the heavens and sing my favorite church hymns and hear the angels joyful songs while dancing with my loved ones the ones that I will be joined with- the former family and friends that have long passed before me, as we share our stories and learn where we came from and where and how it all started. How awesome will that be to get all my answers that I have asked my whole life? I will sit on Jesus lap and smell his hair and feel his soft restored skin, look at him and feel an undying love, something that I never truly got on earth except through my children’s eyes. They are precious? Yes, they love you unconditionally. Which makes it all the more hard to bring it up and tell them what is going on.

My heart breaks while I look over to my side and see former patients who’s last day was today, knowing they will have the rest of their life to live without this cruel pain and evil disease. Yet, I am happy for them for they got lucky and they need more time to serve out their purpose here on earth.

I guess mine was already served, and I won’t find out what it was until I get to where I am going. Knowing though, that somewhere, somehow I managed to change or alter someones life for the better or set them on the path to get them where they needed to go makes me happy. In life we all have choices, some come back to bite us in the butt. Sometimes they come back and show us why we were put here to begin with. Life is one huge lesson, with mini battles you have to fight for one ultimate purpose. Enjoy yours to the fullest because you never know when it will be your time to go.

If I could give one piece of advice, for you to take and really learn from. I would have to say love those that are around you, through fights and make ups and break ups and don’t judge them or their actions because you truly never know what they are battling or going through inside. They were brought in your life for a reason, don’t question it just learn from it.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016