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Endless Thoughts

These wooden chairs with the uncomfortable cushions I’m sitting in couldn’t even take away from this view. I don’t think anyone could take away these feelings of bliss and freedom that I feel so heavily in my heart right now. The sun rises into the sky and breaks through the clouds like a beautiful Monet painted for only a select few to witness. I feel so lucky.

Happiness with a dose of harmony never comes together for me at the same time in my life. Yes I truly believe there is a difference. Lately, it’s been changing in every area of my life though. Yet, all I’ve been finding in this unfiltered realm is this perfect combination. Nothing seems to be a barrier. Nothing is too small or too big to take on. I feel a sense of self satisfaction taking over. Taking moments to myself, and focusing on handing out individual attention sporadically has proven to be healthy for me. I don’t need to know everyone and everyone doesn’t need to know me.

I suppose it’s safe to assume everyone has dark, hidden kept secrets buried deep in their hearts. I know I do. I always have. I always will. I take a peek every now and then just to remind myself why it’s better up here on the surface. You see, I’m notorious for getting myself into deep water or just plain down right into some kind of trouble. This new outlook on life though has me looking at things a lot differently. What I can do ultimately to change into something better? Someone I like a little bit more…  I kinda like it here. This realm I’ve been blessed with. I think I’ll stay and camp out here for awhile. Take in the fresh air. Kick back and enjoy each and every one of my sunrises.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video recommendation- James Arthur-Naked

Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended Video- Halsey- Bad at Love

Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

Declarations

Just know that I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

I can’t say I’ll never hurt you again or you will not hurt me. I’m adamant now that all the pain we’ve experienced is just like a storm, passing through but in the end bringing a calm and peaceful understanding. Every bone, every organ, and my entire soul in my body belongs to you my love. Even when there’s all those people that are shiny and new coming and going. Never will I neglect the responsibilities and the commitment we share. I understand other people are temporary and you are permanent. Never wanting to leave my side and always tuned in to my distractions. I can’t be mad at you for that. A true blessing you are… that I have taken for granted at different points on our journey. But those were only a momentarily misstep that was so insignificant on every level except one. That one thing being the realization that no one else in this world could ever compare to you. I think you have realized this too. It’s all going to be ok.

Commitment hit us like a natural piece of existence that’s always resided inside each of us. It was almost perfect before one of the windows looking into our lives shattered. All those empty spaces that have chased us relentlessly have been filled with different things. For me it was a betrayal that some would call minor. However, to me it could have been a means to an end. We were walking on a stretched out fine line of fake opportunities and living with unrealistic expectations. A little chaotic and cluttered those spaces were, but still it is ours to keep forever. Yet it was all merely distractions wouldn’t you agree? Over the years we have overcome all the barriers that we were presented with. There will be many more for this we should know and accept. For me, I will stand still, observe, and release. A lesson taken from my past and those mistakes that molded me into who I’m becoming on this new journey.

We have never been here before though. This intense, overpowering, and situational place. Loyalty has not been completely stripped, instead it’s taken on a whole new identity. We will no longer feel lost and wondering what if, or what was. Right? Did we learn this time, is it going to become what we know and live by? Was it all for nothing these struggles or was it everything we’ve been missing and needing to strengthen our bond?

I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Selena Gomez- Good for ya

The would be unfaithful wife

A letter from the to be unfaithful wife

I just want what I haven’t had before I think to myself. Is it so hard for you to reach across the table and touch my hand? Reach a little further below, maybe grace my leg with the presence of your hand. I can warm your hands up for you if you’re game. Will you reach into my space, violate my bubble, and torment my desires while bracing your inner courage to kiss me? Statements and questions I ask of you, to get you think about the possibility of being with me in ways you never wanted or craved before. Do you now though? Or have you always? Can you toy with the idea of being with someone that is already taken by someone else? Knowing she will never be yours completely. Only momentarily. Can you keep my secrets? Are you strong enough to realize this is a phase that will disappear before its started? You will be just a curiosity I need to explore. Something I know is bad for me and bad for the one I am suppose to love until death do us part. Yet, a taste of your neck and body on my mouth and lips, the stout, sharp, salty taste lingering on for hours after initial contact. Is it too much to pass up? Just the thought and imagery makes me feel things in my body that I can’t turn off anymore, I have lost all control. I don’t want it back. I want to explore an adventure that shows me what I’ve only ever dreamed about having with you.

Can you handle a good girl gone bad, a girl that’s waiting to be punished? For I do need to be punished so badly for having this lust in me burning like fire. Can your heart disconnect it’s strings from any emotions or attachments? Will you open your soul and reach into the darkest corners, pulling your desires to the surface to show me just how much I have been missing? Will you show me new things? Will you show me who you really are? Are you even capable of this challenge I put before you? Or does your moral compass tilt when you read this? Does an immediate guilt fall over you when you think of my face dancing circles around your lap? Should I put in my request now, or shall we let this drag out a little bit more? Am I reaching too far? Am I out of my lane? What will your decision be?

The dinner party

It all started around 5 pm for food and drinks. I sit by you of course. Is this too close for comfort, I’m thinking? Why should I torture myself sitting so close to you knowing deep down that this is as close as we will ever be. Your lack of response to my letter, and dismissal must mean you were appalled right? Halfway through dinner and only after a few drinks were thrown back, you glance at me and smile. It’s a smile I’ve never seen on you before. There’s something different, those sort of devious curves that wrapped around the corners of your mouth. At one point during dinner we were discussing things that disturb us. You look over at me laughing, while telling one of your experiences with an ex, and you touch me. You place your hand on my shoulder and squeeze it gently. This is out of the norm for you, as you aren’t one to touch anyone even those that are close to you. To top it all off, was when we were getting ready to leave, I gather all my things and head toward the door which is on the other side of you. You wrap your arm around my waist and pull me in brushing your body against mine sending chills down my back, all the while you’re acting as if you are trying to squeeze me by you to get me to the door. Seemingly innocent enough but no doubt out of character and unusual behavior on your behalf. After dinner we all decide that a bar is too smoky and crowded. So to your house it is. Some of our group attendees can’t come, but about 6 of us decided to move the party to your domain. We get to your house and put on some sultry, pop music and some of us start dancing, including myself. I let loose and dance in the dark corner by myself throwing myself into the music. Feeling the vibe, you get up to come next to me and dance. You don’t touch me at all. Just casually dance next to me. Locking eye contact with me, I see your shy side slowly melting away. That stare you are burning into my gaze. That look of yours. After the song ended I went to your bathroom, luckily for me it doesn’t have a lock on it. I use the bathroom and start washing my hands. You come in the door without knocking, you stand next to me as if you don’t know what your next move is. In a sense coming in the bathroom was enough to hint to me the next move would be on me. I grab you and sit you on the toilet, I wrap my hands around your hair locks, I stare at you and watch your expressions. I lean down and tilt your head up and put my mouth on your neck while tightening my grip around your throat. This passion is so strong that I can feel bolts of sharp vibrations shaking it’s way down to my waist and of course much below all the way down to my feet and toes. My legs begin to tremble, you stand up and push me against the wall and cover me and my shadow with your overpowering dominance. Realizing we can only do so much in this small bathroom, we peek out to ensure no one is around. We sneak into your bedroom. That moment and every detail will be forever engraved into my mind. That night was powerful and mighty, by far the best night of my life. Unexpected, but necessary I felt to put this tension between us behind and move on.

A week later

Little did I know moving on would mean you would leave me behind in the dust. I haven’t heard anything back from you since that night. All my text go ignored. You have completely disappeared from my life. Not so much as a hello, or had a great time, or a goodbye letter. No response. No comments. No initiation. You gave me what I was needing, what I was wanting. You showed me what true passion and salvation felt like. However, my spouse is no one to let anything get past her leading her to ask me why depression has fallen so deeply. Followed by why I haven’t mentioned your name or talked about you. I guess she always knew there was something between you and I. My silence is deafening to her ears. My expressions show all my indiscretions. The cold that overtook the room, leaving a ghostly feeling of betrayal. Darkness fell over the room. The heavy solid strike came out of no where, a blunt force trauma to my head. I lay on the ground, blood coming out from the side of my head and running down my left cheek. Everything is foggy, I feel dizzy, I am weak. My body lays limp and numb right there where she left me. Everything turns black and all life I had left in me begins to leave my body. A burglary she said to the men in uniform that came knocking down the doors after her 911 call. In this limbo part of this unknown world where nothing changes, and everything changes I relive our moment together on repeat. I suffer the same demise, the same fate following. It’s not until I wake up the next morning and realize it was all a dream thats showing me a sign, a fortune being told to me of the outcome of what having you in my life will bring.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 4th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Don’t forget to check out the video I picked to set the vibe for this blog.

Italian Brunch

Getting ready this afternoon, I am rushing a bit. My mind is racing all over the place trying to get everything organized for my little party today. My three close, very different ginger friends are coming over for an Italian brunch. I bought all kinds of drinks, non alcoholic, since I am almost a year sober from that poison. A&W Root Beer, IBC Cream Soda, Pure Leaf Lemon Tea,  and Pure Leaf Green Tea, Starbucks DoubleShot Espresso shots, Crush Orange Soda, Snapple Peach Ice Tea, and of course Tropical punch BodyArmor SuperDrink. Ok, so I may have gotten a little carried away with the drinks, but can you blame me? I am cooking the sausage for this dish, getting my Italian salad ready, Sharyl is making the cold Italian pasta salad. I am also making stuffed mushrooms with yummy crab meat and cream cheese, fresh garlic bread. Yes, today will be fun. It will be a good thing for me, to be surrounded by a few of my friends. It will definitely take my mind off of things. I am lucky that I have such an array of friends that I can call on to come and help me get through my darkest, and even best times. I might film a bit of it to put on my Instagram or twitter. That should be hilarious. I am just aching to show off my super hella cool new dance moves. Plus did I mention that my friends are gorgeous women, should I teach them my new moves? Haha.

I am not saying cooking is all fun and games but for today it was. I think the hardest part was driving back and forth to town trying to collect everything I needed. Even with a list I managed to forget a couple things. Being manic can sometimes be a bad thing, but my house is spotless. So why even complain at all? I couldn’t help but think that the mailbox I saw that was knocked off on the side of the tiny road we live on was done by Sharyl. She drives so close to them, it literally gives me chills riding with her. I swear she has nearly taken out a few with me sitting by her in her gigantic truck. Scary.

I am currently in the process of getting together a playlist for us to listen to while we play the board games after brunch, and writing here on my blog. Why does iTunes know that I love my 80’s music and keep recommending more songs that fit that era than not? It think it’s a great possibility that I will just stick with Pandora today?

So I have not been neglecting my website, I have been writing some new things that I will post within the next few weeks. Here is something to tide you over until then. I wrote it back in 2005 and it is has been published twice. In two different magazines, I am one proud writer. Still though, it has brought more meaning to my life now, than it ever did back in 2005. Enjoy.

Mix of the Minds-

Silence speaks through unnoticed stares,

As to read your thoughts is like a dare.

Wanting to unlock what you hide inside,

When all you want is your secret to die.

When I see thoughts, I see them so clear,

And not always of the one you love so dear.

Day in, day out wondering creeps through,

Of a younger to spark your life anew.

Not only in mind, but your heart desires,

Of how far you’ll go, how much it requires.

Never the first step will you ever take?

Afraid to make a horrible mistake.

To take a risk you would rather die,

But do you want this position to try?

For who knows, you might have fun,

When it’s all over with, said, and done.

When you think it back through and through,

Maybe I wanted the same of you.

© Tasha Geller October 27th, 2005

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 15th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Secret Prayer

I am laying here tonight, my body drenched in fear. I push my judging thoughts aside, my eyes fill with tears.

For tomorrow, I pay a visit, to my brothers grave. Why did God take his life, how come he couldn’t stay?

I hear my cursing words come out, I feel my anger rise. I do not understand why people drink and drive.

I am going the cemetery where part of his ashes lay. I am going there to tell him Karen had his boy today.

As I tell him these things, I will break down into tears. I will say the things I should have said while he was here.

I will tell him that I love him, and thank him for loving me. I will tell him in my heart is where he’ll always be.

Then I will say God, please help me to love and forgive that man who killed my brother the night he should have lived.

And please put a burden on his heart, to never again drink and drive. To make him think of all of us, that didn’t get to say good-bye.

And help him be a stronger man, get his life right. Help him understand that your most precious gift is life.

And just before I fell asleep, I heard someone say, no need to worry, I am always with you. It will be ok.

When I awoke the next morning, I awoke with a smile. Thinking things over, was worth my worth while.

That hatred I had in my heart, no longer lingered there, I take it as if the lord had answered my secret prayer.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 9th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.