Sandy beaches, rock climbing, mountain hiking, picnics in the park. I’ll even settle for some ice skating. (Wink) Swimming on floaties at the lake, curled up in our blanket at night around the crisp burning fire staring up at the midnight blue sky.
But I won’t sit here in this dimly lit and freshly painted white room. While you pick all the questions to this conversation and then pick apart my answers and analyze them. In a lot of ways it was really just a one sided relationship with you. I’ve always been the type of person that shows you what I think you want to see. Always keeping my dark and hidden secrets to myself. I do have to admit that I showed you more sides than I have shown others: but you did not see all of me. It wasn’t even until I realized my movements and actions were being observed instead of appreciated that I started to back away. You took me for granted and took advantage of my kindness: This loss of trust that occurred and how you cared so little to restore.
Dinner for two in a little corner of my favorite Italian restaurant. Candles blowing their scented smoke in our smiling faces. Holding hands. Music softly playing its notes throughout the air mesmerizing everyone into a love spell. Dancing on the floor in perfect synchronization with your body, I slowly start to melt into you. Gazing in your big brown sparkling eyes. I watch your dark hair fall away from your face and brush the tip of my nose. So close your lips were next to mine.
But then you violated the space I held in the name of respect and accountability. You were a huge f***ing disappointment on so many levels. I don’t even know why I kept coming back. My visions blurred so easily with the harsh and ill spoken words, those words cut so deep it bled out murder. It was such a violent experience within my soul that I had to crumble to the ground with any kind of submissiveness, then rise again from my ashes. Learning ways to always protect my heart. Shield how words affect me. Take back control of my thoughts and realign my aura. My survival skills have set in. My goals are in place.
All I really needed was a little less conversation and a little bit more touch my body. Slip your hands around my waist and pull me in closely. Tightness in my chest, hands shaking, and the floor is moving. The sweat is building up in my palms. My mouth is watering. Straight up animal attraction. It’s all I ever wanted.
I don’t mind saying everything that’s been inside my head. I don’t care if it sounds inconsiderate. I don’t care about it being irate or an ill misconception at its best. I no longer have to lick the sensitive sticker and slap it on anyone’s hand to get them to understand. But specifically for you, understand this: you will never know me. Not all of me. The old me that I left back there in the past with you. You can keep her and your idea of who you thought she was.
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
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