Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Fat Girls Closet

The bodacious sound of two fat butt cheeks slapping together, my arms pulling as hard as they can, my fingers grip the top of the pants. I sway to the left, I sway to the right, I bend down like its somehow going to help. I pull up as fast as I can with my fingers well tight and snug around the end, where I button and zip up my pants. Finally I got them on. Inside my mind right then, that moment I thought I have to lose weight.

I look in the mirror to try and determine if my belly hanging over can be hidden by a specific kind of shirt. Oh, is it cold enough to wear a long scarf? Is it cold enough to wear a hoodie? After being fat for a good while, you learn to buy sweats, or the pretty ones from old navy so you don’t look too terrible. You learn to take pictures from different angles so you don’t have a double chin or so people can’t see your belly or arms. You learn to contour your makeup so that your makeup gives you certain features that make you look thinner. You learn to wear mens T-Shirts so your double arm is hidden in the sleeve. You learn to wear browns and blacks because it makes you look thinner. You learn to stop wearing the cute clothes you always wore before. Why?

Today in america, models are thinner than they have ever been. Every where we look there is someone famous that is walking the red carpet with the thinnest dress, and they are listed as best dressed. Why when someone sees us, they see someone they are conditioned to believe is ugly simply because we are overweight? When we try to express our individuality we are told the outfit we are wearing was not designed for someone like ourselves, someone the size we are. What? That we are fat? That we are overweight?

Grow up, you are not perfect yourself. You may work out at the gym, and wear all the nice clothes and are in fashion from the moment you step out of your house. That doesn’t mean that you are better than I am. It doesn’t mean you are smarter than I am. Really it just means that you are superficial. In your world people like me need to get off our butts and hit the gym. You would dare not ever be seen on a date with someone my size. That’s so sad, to be a 12-14 I should not feel fat. I should not have to look in the mirror and feel horrible about myself. If my sons want to wear blue nail polish on their thumb nails or toe nails, who am I to take away that innocent. That is all it is. People make it out to be what they are conditioned to believe because its different. We are all different.

Will the world ever get better in our generation? The world just keeps getting worse. There are too many people that are self entitled, and only relate to what is cool in our media or what they read. The media used to be an outlet for everyone to be educated with what is happening in the world. Now it’s just a circus, which channel can get the most viewers. Let’s do something so whack that it blows away peoples minds. Taylor Swift and Kanye? That’s not the kind of education I want to know. That needs to stay in the entertainment magazines or youtube channels, it does not belong on the news. What has this world come to? Seriously ask yourselves, why are clothes, makeup, extensions, pedicures, manicures, tanning, working out, having the most likes on twitter or youtube, being the coolest so important to you? Wouldn’t you rather feed the hungry, comfort women of domestic violence, be a friend to an overweight person and not judge them, help those that are needy, stop being so greedy, take care of each other. Even if they sin. Say they are gay, or transgender, or they were in prison, or perhaps are ex addicts, current addicts. We all have faults. Let’s stop judging each other! Be kind to each other. Smiles are contagious you know, and hugs, well they heal.

So next time you see a fat person instead of being disgusted just hope that they are happy, no judgements.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

For worse, for BETTER

Dedicated to S

The moment I looked at her, the sunshine all around. We were surrounded by thousands of people and I am sure it was loud. I wouldn’t know though, all the sounds went away as I watched her walk up towards me. I instantly felt safe. This looming thick mist attacks my airways and I could not breathe, I could not understand the emotions that were unfolding out from all around me. I could not feel my feet, my legs felt light in fact I couldn’t feel the ground, I guess its what some say is called floating on air. I have never in my life felt this before. It was so strange, it was the only moment I remember from that entire evening.

I don’t think anyone can blame me for chasing this mysterious woman, a little intimidating but I think to myself I can handle her. Will she be able to handle me though? She has this tough exterior. Is she as tough inside as she is outside? Is she secure, stable, got her stuff together? Well I won’t hold you in suspense here, I got a date with her. I watched her closely as she talked about life, I watch her dominate her presence. I felt though I could smell just a hint of fear. Perhaps, I was intimidating as well. Either way, I liked it. There was way more to this woman than what meets the eye. I shivered as she put her hand on my lower back when we were leaving and she held open the door for me. The wind caught our cheeks and the sunlight gleamed from her eyes as she smiled at me, holding the door. I just melted to the floor. I could not walk, my knees were shaking as I climbed up in the big truck. SIGH. That angelic face was stuck in my head for weeks, as we talked over text and over the phone every night, I knew that I had to take a chance and see where this might go with her.

The nights started to become longer and lonelier as I longed for her touch. Her presence next to me keeping me safe, and holding me until I fell asleep. I knew she was the one for me. We have been through so much emotionally, financially, physically but you know what we pulled through stronger than ever. Happy one year anniversary S. I love you.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

 

7/29/16

 

Saved Draft- Polished

 

It’s funny h0w I watch and listen to everyone in the media, all these celebrities, and moguls themselves are saying they are so smart and can do great things but they are in debt. People who drive up in a car that could have bought 5 different families homes. Why? Why do you need that car? Now to me that is not someone I would take advice from because they don’t see sensible. Up there in the spotlight, making all this money. So my only conclusion since they don’t donate or build charities, is that they spend their money on material things that are outrageously expensive just to keep up with the Joneses next door or to be in a magazine showing “America” all their great things. Let’s make America great again. Buying all these things that are meant to impress other people is that like a form of insecurity? Or are they selfish? I see homeless people all the time, or woman who goes through abuse with their lover and have no where to go with their babies, or the children that come up to you when you are eating something and ask if they can have some? What about these folks, oh that’s right you worked very hard for your money. Why should you have to give it to anyone that doesn’t deserve it? Well if it weren’t for people like us common folk you wouldn’t have that money. Isn’t it us normal folk that buy your companies things? Did you inherit it that company? Refuse to share it? You will never reach your spiritual growth level that every person deserves. It brings peace, it eliminates stress, and keeps happiness on lock down. How can you sit back and watch people SUFFER and starve or cry themselves to sleep, when you have the power to change things? Sad. It really is, and NO ONE is doing anything about it.

Now for me, when people try to impress me I am more apt to listen to them if they are telling me ways to reach my growth. Telling me their experiences and how they’ve come so far to get where they are and to have what they need. Things they bought because they needed them, not because of some pressure to live up to societies standards and be like all the cool kids. People impress me when they open doors for people. Help a waitress clean a drink on the table spilled. A young man helping an old woman get her groceries put in her car and put her cart up. You know that thing called manners. Common courtesy. Love.

When you grow up, you realize that this world is a horrible place for some people. You should always do everything you can to help anyone you can. You come to understand that there is more to life than working, and going home or going to the bar to party all night. We are now more than ever in a crisis and everyone needs to come together, whites, blacks, muslims, mexicans, italians, purple, and anyone else. There is a higher power somewhere dictating and pulling the strings to divide us. That is the ONLY way to defeat wait…. DESTROY America. Turn us against each other and take each other out. People who don’t see this, need to be made aware. Problem is everyone is so defensive, angry, unsure what to think that they end up shutting you out when you mention it.

Please when you wake up tomorrow, do something for someone. Wife, Husband, Kid, Neighbor, Church Member, stranger, anyone. Even if its to stop them and give them a hug.

Let’s start spreading LOVE and Positive VIBES, and HOPE.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016