No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Why churches disappoint me.

Don’t judge me, or judge me. I am not scared to talk about this issue. I will let those tell me that once I go this direction and let this be known that I will lose a large fan base. I ask you all to remember that my writing defines my character. And my character defines my writing. I will not hide that I love God, I will not change my writing, I will not push anything on you. I just want to write about everything that is happening to me not just what my editor and publisher want. So enjoy.

One day I looked up in the bright blue sky the sun was shining so brightly I could barely see this strange angelic form of a shadow leaning toward me and grabbing my hand and pulling me up. As she brought me around so I could see her wonderful smile beaming down on me. My body felt warm and safe which was not something I ever felt growing up. Or at least not as often as I feel like I should have. She spoke to me softly but I heard her louder than I heard most as I grew up Deaf. I stumbled as she pulled to the other side of the street. She took me into a room in the building that sat on her side of the road. Left me with all these other children and another adult. Then later she came back and got me and took to the big building where there were all these adults and some children. I sat beside her and her husband, who had a smile just as sweet as this lady. I couldn’t understand why everything was so loud and I felt such a strong emotion being there, this strange place. I had no idea that as a child that was the first time I felt the holy ghost. I grew up in that church. I had Sunday school teachers, and youth directors and went to church camp every summer. There were a lot of things that I was taught there that stood against who I felt I was. It tore inside of me and left me confused and alone. Why should I have to give up my faith? Why can’t I be loved again like I was when I was just a child. Do I not matter? Is it because I am the unknown to you, do I intimidate people? Why am I having such a hard time finding my home church? Is this some sort of test?

Churches these days focus so much on what they can do to get capital grants, media attention, or achieve a standing in the community. Too many, go about it the wrong way. We need to take the churches back to then basics. Sunday church teaching our children, not  keeping them entertained. Nursery care for our young mothers that need to get their soul fed as well. The younger they start off  at a church the longer they will stay. It’s about family, and sometimes its hard to teach adults that. When its time for meet and greet, the members of the church should be aware of everyone there and go welcome the new comers. Talk to them and thank them. The pastor needs to meet all those that are new to show involvement with everyone not just the members. My pastor walked around the whole church from time to time during his sermon. Youth night should offer one on one mentorship with someone from the church. Counseling, and leadership out to the businesses use a fundraiser to reach out to the community. Get all the young children involved in any way that you can because they are our future. This day is dark and the ages are closing to the end. The world is slowly destroying itself hate consumes every energy and every corner to pray on ALL our weaknesses. If we do not have faith that what we believe is solid, we drift away one by one.

I am a child of faith, yet I pray every day and I live my life as best as I can. I am broken yes I am. I am lost, but I think I might have found a way to fulfill my purpose, and it doesn’t look like it will be through a church. What is the whole purpose you might ask about my story? It’s this, I know there are many of my readers that are in the same situation as I. It’s ok I am learning, that having a home church does not determine my faith and my relationship with God. With the right guidance I know that all my questions and pain will heal and be known with time. Don’t give up so easily, your relationship is not with people, God and you. It’s between you and God. At the end of the day, thats all that should matter.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

Check out this amazing voice of the lil Rhema Marvanne and check out her Facebook and add her to your list in iTunes. She has a lot of great Christian music!

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100011063044121