Quick sand

When I think back to growing up, I was at all times, silently encouraged to give up on anything before I even got started.

Manipulated really and I was held back purposely from reaching my potential out of pure jealousy and hatred.

So look at me, I’m curious sir. Tell me how your different when I’ve been here before. It’s not hard to read between the lines.

Crossed over and back, running is my weapon. I always get away. I never choose to stay, but for the first time, I was pushed away.

For you, why should I give up how far I’ve come? Jeopardize my career, put the stakes in the ground and steer to your isolated island?

You’re asking me to bury my head in the sand. Walk away from it all literally forcing my hand and show just who’s in charge… the man.

You caught me off my game, caught me off guard when I looked upon your face. With my scope in clear distance?

I never shoot and miss, but first I had to exist. I felt I had to make you notice me in such a desirable way…you lured me to stay.

When you’re not here folded in my arms, Im drowning in waters that I could never wade. A light once bright, can you feel the fade?

Did you see me coming from so many miles away? Im ready to start running, wanna come with me? Without your mastery delays.

I can’t catch my breathe, but can live a life without you by my side. You showed me a love that I wanted to feel, why turn it away from me, why lie?

How do I get you to understand all that I’m trying to say? Do you want me to beg, get down on my knees? That will never be. I’m not someone you can pay to have your way.

This path chosen for me, the final call, the decision has been chosen already. Conditioned state of mind choosing for me, why do I stall?

Tell me the risks, and that I’m not worth the fall. Insult me some more please, a bore. Catch me in your arms, was all but a painting on the wall. My heart is sore.

….I was at all times, silently encouraged to give up on anything before it started.

Tell me is this it, is this all? Give up Billie, stop with the stalls. The love you have is voided… barricaded in you put up the wall. That all which you had, is all, your last call.

-Billie

June 26th 2019

COPYRIGHT NOTICE © TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD, WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE, JUNE 26, 2019. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS SITE’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS AND LINKS MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD AND WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

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Hello old past

Dear… person,

I thought of you today. Something that I don’t allow myself to do often. I took the time to relish my shivers, satisfy my taste buds off and on all day today…settling back on those most profound memories. Circling in my office chair with my hands under my chin. My legs crossed and cozy socks warming my toes. The dynamics, the shifts, the old worn out confidence and how it’s all changed instantly swamped my thoughts… but the reality is I can’t say we ever had anything perfect. I can’t say we ever made commitments or promises, nor set expectations. At least not in the beginning. But I love you, was tossed around. Not lightly, not repetitively, only…just enough. I’ve learned excruciating facts today that crept into the light. So I guess it wasn’t a bad thing. A light bulb going off momentarily. In my mind entered this quote. I always hated it, never felt I understood it.

“If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”

Now, I read it and I feel it. Like, it’s there at the pit of my stomach.

Somehow my days lately have such powerful lessons at the end of them that it’s almost unbearable at times. People dropping like flies, people resurfacing, people testing the waters. I shall stand still. Stand tall and silent like a firm, cold, pale statute. March on. Keep moving. Don’t let anyone not worthy hold me back or stop me from reaching my potential. Earn. Trust. Worthy. Standards. Goodbye old me. Introducing new me: hello world. Hello person. Nice to meet you.

But today, I thought of you. Thank you for the small talk-invite. No really though, Its ok if you never learn, witness, or see the amazing, beautiful growth from what you’ve taught me in my short life.

But yes, Today I thought of you.

Tasha

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 19th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Beneath The Willow Tree

As I lay here in company, the bed so warm and soft. I feel I am alone, this world inside my head. This week has been heavy on my heart with all the angles swept. Piled into a corner, is where I let it set. Everyone around me, their voices are like chords. They scratch inside these bones, like chalk is to the board.

My mind starts racing faster, as I crawl into my hole, tucked away, far behind that velvet curtain roll. Reality, realism, rational all have no place in here. Only things that I believe are certain to appear, but only if it’s entrance toys away the fear.

My legs are tight and torn, they shake with trembled care. My toes curl into a ball and the ceiling bares my glare. Choices here, choices there, my patience fading too. Everyone has a thought on what they think I’ll do.

My eyes are closing now, drifting like the smog. The room is barely lit, but yet I see the fog. The words form in my heart, they form inside my mind. Hidden in this space, this secret place of mine. This search for a peaceful life, will come to me I know. Wrapped in silky purple bows these tickets to my show.

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, October 29th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Chains

I guess I’m not allowed to have bad days, because being cheerful and bubbly all the time is how I’m suppose to be. I’m not allowed to have bad days.
I guess being tired is not something I’m allowed to be either. I’m 36. I’m young, vibrant, and healthy. I have my whole life to go out there to live. Who has time to rest? Being tired is not something I’m allowed to be.
I guess I’m not allowed to complain either. I should just be prim and proper and keep my mouth closed. Because saying how I feel just isn’t as important to you as your own feelings. I’m not allowed to complain.
I guess I’m not allowed to love. I am to be an independent, self reliant individual. Yet, stay in my lane at all times. Allowing you and only you to give yourself away emotionally to someone else. I’m not even allowed to love.
I guess I’m not allowed to dream. I’m suppose to be inspired, motivated, driven, and successful. Yet, setting goals and achieving them is impossible when they keep getting shot down by your constant need to be in control. I’m not allowed to dream.
I guess I’m not allowed to say goodbye. I’m suppose to be supportive, attentive, and reliable financially and emotionally no matter how bad it gets. Because I am such horrible person that no one would ever be able to love me like you do.  I’m not allowed to say goodbye.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 4/8/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis