This is more of an observation and realization blog. A moment I can take just for myself. Something that’s all mine. You see I like my individuality and uniqueness. I don’t think it’s a great idea for anybody to be trapped in those heavy bulky boxes. You know those kinds of boxes right? The kind that people put you in, tape you all up, and slap a label top. I do not like labels. Labels are inappropriate to introduce into what should be a trusting relationship.
I’ve been meditating for a few weeks now. Something I ask the universe for every time is to get rid of anything negative or things that are holding me back from reaching my potential. Little did I know I would be watching those close to my heart start dropping like flies. Friends that I kept very close to my heart, and some acquaintances disguised as friendships. Normally, I’d be really upset about this and think that I’ve done something wrong. I would try to fix it. I no longer will allow myself to feel like I have to save every relationship. If the relationship falls apart, chances are it’s all part of the big unknown plan fate has in store for us. Whatever the case may be, I know that it’s bigger than me and that I am going to be ok eventually. I’m not going to try and understand it anymore. I don’t have to question everything anymore. I am good with just learning how to let go. I am letting go of any of that control that I tried so hard to hang on to for so long. I’m letting go of anyone and everything thats not meant for me. I will show gratitude about this and in every situation that comes about or is leaving my life will be accepted. I give thanks to all the lessons that were learned and all the knowledge that I’ve gained. I give thanks to the love that I once felt and the love I shared with those that meant something special to me at some point in our friendships. Memories will not be muddy, or labeled. They will just be… memories.
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
Video: Sam Smith- Too Good At Goodbyes
Getting ready this afternoon, I am rushing a bit. My mind is racing all over the place trying to get everything organized for my little party today. My three close, very different ginger friends are coming over for an Italian brunch. I bought all kinds of drinks, non alcoholic, since I am almost a year sober from that poison. A&W Root Beer, IBC Cream Soda, Pure Leaf Lemon Tea, and Pure Leaf Green Tea, Starbucks DoubleShot Espresso shots, Crush Orange Soda, Snapple Peach Ice Tea, and of course Tropical punch BodyArmor SuperDrink. Ok, so I may have gotten a little carried away with the drinks, but can you blame me? I am cooking the sausage for this dish, getting my Italian salad ready, Sharyl is making the cold Italian pasta salad. I am also making stuffed mushrooms with yummy crab meat and cream cheese, fresh garlic bread. Yes, today will be fun. It will be a good thing for me, to be surrounded by a few of my friends. It will definitely take my mind off of things. I am lucky that I have such an array of friends that I can call on to come and help me get through my darkest, and even best times. I might film a bit of it to put on my Instagram or twitter. That should be hilarious. I am just aching to show off my super hella cool new dance moves. Plus did I mention that my friends are gorgeous women, should I teach them my new moves? Haha.
I am not saying cooking is all fun and games but for today it was. I think the hardest part was driving back and forth to town trying to collect everything I needed. Even with a list I managed to forget a couple things. Being manic can sometimes be a bad thing, but my house is spotless. So why even complain at all? I couldn’t help but think that the mailbox I saw that was knocked off on the side of the tiny road we live on was done by Sharyl. She drives so close to them, it literally gives me chills riding with her. I swear she has nearly taken out a few with me sitting by her in her gigantic truck. Scary.
I am currently in the process of getting together a playlist for us to listen to while we play the board games after brunch, and writing here on my blog. Why does iTunes know that I love my 80’s music and keep recommending more songs that fit that era than not? It think it’s a great possibility that I will just stick with Pandora today?
So I have not been neglecting my website, I have been writing some new things that I will post within the next few weeks. Here is something to tide you over until then. I wrote it back in 2005 and it is has been published twice. In two different magazines, I am one proud writer. Still though, it has brought more meaning to my life now, than it ever did back in 2005. Enjoy.
Mix of the Minds-
Silence speaks through unnoticed stares,
As to read your thoughts is like a dare.
Wanting to unlock what you hide inside,
When all you want is your secret to die.
When I see thoughts, I see them so clear,
And not always of the one you love so dear.
Day in, day out wondering creeps through,
Of a younger to spark your life anew.
Not only in mind, but your heart desires,
Of how far you’ll go, how much it requires.
Never the first step will you ever take?
Afraid to make a horrible mistake.
To take a risk you would rather die,
But do you want this position to try?
For who knows, you might have fun,
When it’s all over with, said, and done.
When you think it back through and through,
Maybe I wanted the same of you.
© Tasha Geller October 27th, 2005
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 15th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I’ve never been good at deciphering puzzles and piecing them together. I don’t like to either. I find it redundant not to be honest and up front with people about your true intentions or how you truly feel about them. Looking at it all now, I see where I was being set up. Set up to be some big part in your game of take and take. You are the most high maintenance, wanna be famous, out there, look at me person I have ever met. I can’t believe it took me this long and all this drama to get that figured out. You want to talk about exhausting. If there ever were a role for a victim to play you would have it nailed to a T. It is mind blowing to have to sit back and watch as you attempt and continue to hurt someone I have grown to care about. Lies, all lies. That is all that comes from your mouth. The poor souls that have to live with you. What will happen to them when you are done with them and leave them out there hanging to dry?
I can see why someone who loves me, would blackmail you, (not that it’s right) if they saw where your end game was before I was given the chance. Not just the first time, but the second time as well. Yea, I read ALL the messages. Just to keep you away from me, stoop that low to get you out of my life. Your reason as to why you stepped away (which I am glad happened), were completely different on two separate occasions. You just make stuff up, whatever it takes to gain sympathy from people. WOW. Everyone is a potential target when it comes to you. You use sex to get what you want with everyone you are with. Why are you telling other people how awful it is with very in-depth private details about your sex life and how awful your partner is, well you didn’t really sound like an active participant from what I’ve heard you say? And my, the things you said, you had a lot to say about her didn’t you? The things you trusted me with. Why would you even tell me any of the things you did? All for what, to gain trust, that is not how you gain someones trust by putting someone else down. Even without all the lies, what kind of person does these things to other people and plays these games or acts this way? You had me fooled for sure though.
But as I read EVERY message that was ever sent back and forth between you both which I’m sure you deleted half of them. Well, luckily for me, she didn’t. I was able to gather what your true intentions were after you were so hateful to me… and guess what? It blew up in your face. It pushed her and I closer and she told me the truth finally. Or should I say, showed me the truth. I’ve never disrespected any of my friends that way and I can’t believe you would have the audacity to call ME a liar about anything when I am anything but. That is not ok. You are crazy and I may be too, but at least I put forth the effort to be better, no one has to give me ultimatums or force me to take my medicine. No one makes me want to choose, or has to push me to be the best person I can be and reach my goals and accomplish my dreams without stepping on others. I choose it for myself to be a better person, to respect other people and their feelings. If my friends are questionable I would just ask them straight up, I wouldn’t assume anything I didn’t know, and I damn sure wouldn’t tell other people my opinions as facts. Or use only parts of what they wrote to get a leg up on your tall tales. I cannot wait for the day I run into your wife. I am going to unload everything in the most non hurtful way I can. Why? Because SHE is actually a good person. All of your dirty little secrets will come out. I will expose you for who you truly are. A mean, hateful, unhappy, unfaithful, lazy, excuse of a human bum that has been setting her up too just so you can be financially set. You make me sick. With your weird, messed up, twisted games. You made me think your wife was just this awful person, and the more I was around her the more I saw her light. You darken her light, you suck her dry, not the other way around. I would want to be an alcoholic too if I had to put up with your crap on an everyday basis. Just think, had you just walked away and left me alone because we all know what you were really after, you would have ended up getting it. Thanks to the heavens above for tempting you to express to me your true colors and show me just what kind of person you truly are. If I had no respect for her privacy I would blow this door wide open on you, put your name out there and expose who you really are to EVERYONE that I know and that I know that you know. You know what, come to think about it as I am typing this, actually I wouldn’t. You aren’t worth the wasted breath or energy involved in doing that. I just have to make my peace on here during my 10 minute timer because I could go on and on and hope she hears my cries and sees your lies and flies… far away from you.
Tasha Geller- Hollingshead © copyright 2017
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 9, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.