Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended Video- Halsey- Bad at Love

Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

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The Realization That Set Her Free

She kept it in for so long trying to hang on to what she thought they could have had. They had nothing though, realistically. After it was all said and done he ended up walking out of her life anyways. All those feelings and the time she put in was a waste of effort and energy. She bit her tongue when all she wanted to do was tell him how he slowly tortured her by making her feel things down there. She wanted something from him. Just wasn’t sure what that was at the time. With time on her side this time, her eyes have been opened. Was it intentional on his part? Maybe not. Maybe so. If she had to guess she thinks he knew exactly what he was doing. For what? For a boost in his ego? If he didn’t, then how stupid was he not to notice that she was feeling the sexual vibes he was generating and sucking them into her skin. That’s neither here nor there. Did he just really walk away and throw away everything that reminded him of her? Did he really just throw her out like a piece of trash? Oooh, the hurt that sunk in her deep.

She hopes that one day he will look back and find a memory of her haunting him. Why? Simply because he hurt her, and on some level she wanted him to feel the same kind of hurt. She however, will never see him the same anymore. All those thoughts and fantasies have moved on to someone new. There will always be someone new, because like Halsey sings “I’m bad at love.” She never promised to give him any part of her body, but he could have taken her by storm so easily. The would be heated moments filled with sweat and positions unknown to most. She knows now how she was weak minded and didn’t have it in her the strength to say no, can anyone really blame her though? Never once did he put her in the position to discover all her cards she thought she was hiding so well. She knows now what it all meant. She’s bad at love you see, maybe he was too? In hindsight she could never treat him better than any other person out there. He is just like all the others that held her heart, dropping it, letting it shatter all over the floor. Leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He no longer has anything to offer her that she doesn’t already have. It’s irrelevant now. After all she has been through, she is now wrapped up and entangled into a twist with a new lover. Set out to discover this new world that she was scared of. Why was she ever scared? It seems to come so easy to her now. Oh how she was missing out.

Yes, he missed a golden opportunity of something he never thought he wanted. Or did he want it? He sheltered his feelings from her, holding back all that he thought was precious and one of a kind. Baby, she said, “I hate to break it down like this, but I found what I was looking for elsewhere”. She found herself on her own without the help she thought she needed from him. All that pent up lust she was feeling, the smoldering mist that covered her body, causing a trembling within and the anticipation for sure has been brought to the surface for her by someone else. Someone who took the chance. Something she thought would never be possible because the hold he had on her was so strong and not from this world. She realizes after all this time, she didn’t need his kisses, his hands around her throat, his fingers between her legs, or his self proclaimed unique experiences. She realized finally that she doesn’t need anyone. She can get these feelings with just about anyone. A realization that has set her and her soul free.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video- Adele- You’ll never see me again

 

 

No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011

 

Empty Castles

If there ever can be a right time, it is now. I am reading back on some of my writings and it seems every 4-5 years I go through this phase where I weed through my friends, I go through them thoroughly and determine if they are good for me. Yes, this is going to sound so selfish, and maybe it is but when it comes to who gets to be in our lives we should only choose those who are good for us and who we are good for. People who can teach us, and we can teach as well. There has to be patience. I think most of you will agree with me on that. Life is too short for games. Life is too short for not having loyalty and precision. Life is too short not to have love or to test the limits of love. Love is endless. Right? Usually a situation happens and it forces me to do this. Sometimes, it’s just time. But I wrote this poem called Empty Castles in 2012 and it was for an ex that kept me at bay at first but learned that I could love them as much as they loved me. I was given a chance and we had something different, but very beautiful. Very short lived. But our love was so incredible even though we had issues over our different standards and expectations. This person died in an accident shortly (an hour to be exact) after we had a fight and I have never gotten over it. This old lover of mine used to tell me the most favorite thing they loved about me was my loyalty and my desire for loyalty. Always saying anyone loyal to me would always have a control over me. I was told I had to learn boundaries. To be careful and of course I didn’t agree, even though this person was older than I. A psych major and very experienced. Were they right? Yes, I was wrong and I didn’t want to see it. I was so young, how could I see it? It was not familiar to me. It’s sad to me that I had to lose someone in order to learn a lesson that could have been learned had I been more open to learning. I try to be more open now to people and their feelings and opinions. I am always- let’s not let it get that far and lose those we love just because we can’t see where they are coming from or agree with how they are behaving. There has to be room for mistakes. Trial and error. Otherwise how else will we learn to appreciate people, friendships, relationships and things. One might think you don’t need boundaries, but for a bipolar person… boundaries are critical. Especially emotional boundaries. I am sensitive. You must not take advantage of me or break the rules. I have always been the one to break rules and/or bend them when I was younger or let others break the rules but I have firmly learned that rules are there for a reason. Usually, for very good reasons. If I catch you doing this to me, make no mistake that I will cut you out of my life. I am loyal, but I will walk away from someone who is not good for me. For example, Someone that is not trying to teach me something but only use me for their own satisfaction. There will be no exception to the rules with me. I will not be that person. I will not be foolish. I will not love anyone who does not love me in return. I will not love anyone who does not understand me. I will not love anyone who does not have patience. If you are living with a bipolar individual you might want to take notes. We respond to love, loyalty, and learning opportunities not; hate, uncertainty, and manipulation.

 

Empty Castles

The day comes to a close with the rain pattering on the hard shell of this outside castle I have built around my heart.

I let you in, yes I let you in.

I gave you all my trust, I let you rule my world, control my urges, pin point my every move.

I hung on your every word, I trusted you with my life and let you mold your grasp around my throat.

I wouldn’t breathe if you said not to.

Staring back now at this long staircase that led me no where fast, I look upon everything as a meaninful thing.

Instead of letting it get me down and regretting ever letting someone own so much of me, I see it all as…

It was meant to happen, it’s meant to be. There will be no us, there will only be what you had, and what you will never have again.

And should I, when you reach for me, with tears in your eyes- throat tightening reaching for your voice, should I, even once turn around and hear your words.

I’m sorry, I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I haven’t, I won’t, I promise—- all are particles of a trail that no longer holds any value for me.

Will you understand at all? No… you won’t because you’re arrogant and thinking you got it down, that you are always right, and nothing could ever be your fault.

No, you, the one that won’t understand at all.

Until one late midnight when you are alone in your empty castle, and there in that flat cold bed, the only groove is that of your own body weight.

You are difficult as it is, and without love, you are nothing short of being handled like any other ridiculous, hard, cold person.

Those actions alone, are what will always leave you… Alone.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2012

 

What am I listening to? Self Control by Laura Branigan

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Hotel California

How foreign you are to me yet so captivating from such a distance.

I could never step into a hardened bubble afraid you would shatter me.

My reality is landing on Deaf ears, as my mind runs as fast as possible.

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You’ve really made the grade.

Billie-Jean