Alexa’s Pawn, a King in Disguise

I’ve been here a merely 30 something years and I’ve come to find that life is like a game of chess. Sometimes your best thought out move is the only thing you have on any given day… to look forward to. Why else would you choose to waste your time doing something so unimportant?

It’s funny how people perceive things as being their idea while you’re just sitting in the back unnoticed not taking credit but with a huge smile on your face as you watch it unfold in front of you so perfectly. Kind of like a whore who’s sweating in the back of the church …watched ever so carefully but at the same time so completely unnoticed. People only show others what they want them to see, rarely do you ever see another’s true self. Why would I be any different? Or am I?

It’s sad that we continue to look away or ignore those things we know deep down aren’t good for us. Pretending for a bit, as they do in fairy tales; to just to tell ourselves we’re special, or unique and we deserve something better than what we’re actually given or what we’ve got right there in front of us. All I know is this, and “this” is simply being that people underestimate me far too often. Which has always been my biggest weapon or attribute, not my biggest weakness. Very few will truly understand what I’m saying, unless they’ve walked the walk I’ve walked or led the life I’ve led. Which, I mean honestly who can say they have? How well do you actually know me or what kind of life I’ve actually had? Were you there? For how long? Exactly.

What life is it you have thought about me having lived where you can justify these labels you’ve slapped on me and judgements you’ve added to my story in your verbal attempts to validate your own formed opinions with the information I have given you? If you’re so knowledgable do tell me this then. Where might I ask did you get your information from, who is your source? I was told while growing up, in fact til this day I’m told frequently, reminded by a certain person that “if you listen to someone long enough they will tell you everything you need to know about them.”

It’s interesting to come to such a simple conclusion after writing all this; especially after having made such bold statements like what I’ve written above with these carefully selected choice of words. So vulnerable, yet so brave and so completely forward, yet so evasive. But do you sit over there thinking to yourself “I see right through her”?

If so, then there’s only one thing left to say. My conclusion concludes with such joy in my soul as I say aloud in a soft whisper…Checkmate.

Billie-Jean Monet

5:20 AM Sunday, June 16. 2019

COPYRIGHT NOTICE © TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD, WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE, 2019. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS SITE’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS AND LINKS MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD AND WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

Don’t Tell Me

No more early hours of us curled up entwined,

No more late night talking, curled up and telling lies.

Just set me free…

How can you pretend everything’s alright?

How can you look at me, with that glimmer in your eyes?

Satisfying your needs…

You love us all the same, until it ain’t the same,

Whispering those 3 words, as if it were just a game?

Can’t I see…

Even if you don’t mean it, making me feel like the one,

Telling me that you love me, the way you tell everyone.

Let me be…

I look around this room, staring at the walls,

Feeling as empty as I lay with you is this all?

Inside of me…

Here it comes again, each time you pack and leave,

I kiss you goodbye, pretending I’m really all you need.

Just tell me…

Whisper in my ear, tell me how you’ll try to find the time,

To fit me in your schedule of you laying by her side.

Just set me free…

Just set me free…

Let me be…

Can’t you see…

You don’t love me.

You don’t love me.

Tasha Geller- May 30,2019

COPYRIGHT NOTICE © TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD, WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE, 2019. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS SITE’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS AND LINKS MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD AND WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

Beneath The Willow Tree

As I lay here in company, the bed so warm and soft. I feel I am alone, this world inside my head. This week has been heavy on my heart with all the angles swept. Piled into a corner, is where I let it set. Everyone around me, their voices are like chords. They scratch inside these bones, like chalk is to the board.

My mind starts racing faster, as I crawl into my hole, tucked away, far behind that velvet curtain roll. Reality, realism, rational all have no place in here. Only things that I believe are certain to appear, but only if it’s entrance toys away the fear.

My legs are tight and torn, they shake with trembled care. My toes curl into a ball and the ceiling bares my glare. Choices here, choices there, my patience fading too. Everyone has a thought on what they think I’ll do.

My eyes are closing now, drifting like the smog. The room is barely lit, but yet I see the fog. The words form in my heart, they form inside my mind. Hidden in this space, this secret place of mine. This search for a peaceful life, will come to me I know. Wrapped in silky purple bows these tickets to my show.

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, October 29th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended Video- Halsey- Bad at Love

Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

My Cherry Tree

The call came in around 1 in the morning. Static and electricity shot through my body as they asked me if I would come down to the morgue to identify your body. Tears came pouring down my cheeks like an Oklahoma summer thunderstorm. The wind and rain breaking through barriers, tearing through the trees breaking their limbs, and flooding the streets. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and my legs weak in the knees. I couldn’t stand so tall anymore. All I could do was sit with a blanket wrapped around my arms and shoulders. I snuggled up and sobbed. I knew this day would come, I just didn’t expect it so soon. Does this really mean goodbye?

All your past attempts on your life have failed. You always made it out alive or pulled through. Every single attempt. If I had to take a guess, I’d guess over 30 attempts in your young years. I never imagined my life without you. I pictured long talks, beer or wine, movies or cards. It was our thing you know? I don’t want to see your cold body laying on a slab. Alone and frozen in time. Unsheltered. I don’t want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are forever.

These thoughts of how maybe I could have saved you creep in like the gate keepers of hell. Should I have put in more effort? Was there anything I could have said to make you realize the important role you played in my chaotic and ever changing life? The sweet smell of your long red flowing hair, will no longer be my safe place. For I will never get to run my fingers through each strand of your cherry colored mane. Hair braiding, face peels, or manicures. All over. No one left to indulge my inner, deepest, darkest secrets to. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

How will I react around your family when we all get together to mourn your loss, a life taken too soon? How will I be able to stand next to them when there’s this bite that’s chills every bone, all the way down my spine? Im feeling this hollow empty hole that gaps my heart into pieces take hold. It’s forever changed the course I was on. Altering my future and always hesitant decisions. What will my life be like now without you? I guess this is goodbye.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 6th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check out the video for the vibe of this blog

The Exposure

 

I’ve never been good at deciphering puzzles and piecing them together. I don’t like to either. I find it redundant not to be honest and up front with people about your true intentions or how you truly feel about them. Looking at it all now, I see where I was being set up. Set up to be some big part in your game of take and take. You are the most high maintenance, wanna be famous, out there, look at me person I have ever met. I can’t believe it took me this long and all this drama to get that figured out. You want to talk about exhausting. If there ever were a role for a victim to play you would have it nailed to a T.  It is mind blowing to have to sit back and watch as you attempt and continue to hurt someone I have grown to care about. Lies, all lies. That is all that comes from your mouth. The poor souls that have to live with you. What will happen to them when you are done with them and leave them out there hanging to dry?

I can see why someone who loves me, would blackmail you, (not that it’s right) if they saw where your end game was before I was given the chance. Not just the first time, but the second time as well. Yea, I read ALL the messages. Just to keep you away from me, stoop that low to get you out of my life. Your reason as to why you stepped away (which I am glad happened), were completely different on two separate occasions. You just make stuff up, whatever it takes to gain sympathy from people. WOW. Everyone is a potential target when it comes to you. You use sex to get what you want with everyone you are with. Why are you telling other people how awful it is with very in-depth private details about your sex life and how awful your partner is, well you didn’t really sound like an active participant from what I’ve heard you say? And my, the things you said, you had a lot to say about her didn’t you? The things you trusted me with. Why would you even tell me any of the things you did? All for what, to gain trust, that is not how you gain someones trust by putting someone else down. Even without all the lies, what kind of person does these things to other people and plays these games or acts this way? You had me fooled for sure though.

But as I read EVERY message that was ever sent back and forth between you both which I’m sure you deleted half of them. Well, luckily for me, she didn’t. I was able to gather what your true intentions were after you were so hateful to me… and guess what? It blew up in your face. It pushed her and I closer and she told me the truth finally. Or should I say, showed me the truth. I’ve never disrespected any of my friends that way and I can’t believe you would have the audacity to call ME a liar about anything when I am anything but. That is not ok. You are crazy and I may be too, but at least I put forth the effort to be better, no one has to give me ultimatums or force me to take my medicine. No one makes me want to choose, or has to push me to be the best person I can be and reach my goals and accomplish my dreams without stepping on others. I choose it for myself to be a better person, to respect other people and their feelings. If my friends are questionable I would just ask them straight up, I wouldn’t assume anything I didn’t know, and I damn sure wouldn’t tell other people my opinions as facts. Or use only parts of what they wrote to get a leg up on your tall tales. I cannot wait for the day I run into your wife. I am going to unload everything in the most non hurtful way I can. Why? Because SHE is actually a good person. All of your dirty little secrets will come out. I will expose you for who you truly are. A mean, hateful, unhappy, unfaithful, lazy, excuse of a human bum that has been setting her up too just so you can be financially set. You make me sick. With your weird, messed up, twisted games. You made me think your wife was just this awful person, and the more I was around her the more I saw her light. You darken her light, you suck her dry, not the other way around. I would want to be an alcoholic too if I had to put up with your crap on an everyday basis. Just think, had you just walked away and left me alone because we all know what you were really after, you would have ended up getting it. Thanks to the heavens above for tempting you to express to me your true colors and show me just what kind of person you truly are. If I had no respect for her privacy I would blow this door wide open on you, put your name out there and expose who you really are to EVERYONE that I know and that I know that you know. You know what, come to think about it as I am typing this, actually I wouldn’t. You aren’t worth the wasted breath or energy involved in doing that. I just have to make my peace on here during my 10 minute timer because I could go on and on and hope she hears my cries and sees your lies and flies… far away from you.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead © copyright 2017

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 9, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011