The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.
I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.
I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.
Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.
Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?
This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.
My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?
So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench. I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.
These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.
Don’t come back
Don’t come back I pray
Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.
Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.
The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.
Tasha Geller © copyright 2011
You’ve got my head spinning so fast that it makes me dizzy. So dizzy that I fall to the ground my hands landing in the rips of the carpet that squares the tile floor. The glass and sheetrock staggered all around sifting and grinding under my fingernails. The blood rushing to my head and falling like droplets, but its not blood; it’s tears. The salt taste rest on my lips as they quiver from the scared that shakes my frame so.
But- I love all of you though, still I am left wondering how I can make a clean break, how can I run as far away to the corner of the world that floats beneath me. Yes I am flying, flying free, breaking free. Yet, I am still chained… to another predestined atmosphere. Will I ever escape this circle? This pattern? This every day life? Will I really break the cycle and go to where I was created? Or will I suffer indefinitely?
For once I thought that giving my all to someone would be easy but I have found that I want most of those parts of myself back. I don’t know who’s going to kiss you when I am gone. I don’t know who will be there to pick your chassis back up and put you back to pieces. We used to be the glue to each others broken pieces, but that glue has turned to opposite ends of the magnet. Pulling our pieces back apart, everything we have built, starting all over again. Every brick I lay as foundation… it gets torn down with words, actions, and ridicule. I feel so defeated. I lay my entire mentally beaten body down and fall back into the clouds. The clouds of denial. The soft clouds that bring stillness to my bag of bones.
I feel desolated, dejected. I feel broken more now that I have ever felt in my life. It’s hard getting that out of my mouth. Because trust me I have been through a lot. It sounds so dirty. I feel dirty, and used and broken and beaten. Yes I know I’ve already said this and I sound like a record skipping just when it gets to my favorite part. but, every time things are going great something bad always happens.
So I cuddle up with my pillow between my legs and one behind my head and one to hold onto throughout the night as I fall asleep and hope that I wake up tomorrow. Or do I? Hinds sight isn’t always so bright.
The second attempt
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,
I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,
my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.
Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,
for yet they have been blind in life so far.
How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,
I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.
I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.
I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.
Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?
How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.
Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?
Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?
I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.
Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?
Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?
Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?
Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?
I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,
I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.
I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.
My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.
I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,
as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.
The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.
The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016
Don’t judge me, or judge me. I am not scared to talk about this issue. I will let those tell me that once I go this direction and let this be known that I will lose a large fan base. I ask you all to remember that my writing defines my character. And my character defines my writing. I will not hide that I love God, I will not change my writing, I will not push anything on you. I just want to write about everything that is happening to me not just what my editor and publisher want. So enjoy.
One day I looked up in the bright blue sky the sun was shining so brightly I could barely see this strange angelic form of a shadow leaning toward me and grabbing my hand and pulling me up. As she brought me around so I could see her wonderful smile beaming down on me. My body felt warm and safe which was not something I ever felt growing up. Or at least not as often as I feel like I should have. She spoke to me softly but I heard her louder than I heard most as I grew up Deaf. I stumbled as she pulled to the other side of the street. She took me into a room in the building that sat on her side of the road. Left me with all these other children and another adult. Then later she came back and got me and took to the big building where there were all these adults and some children. I sat beside her and her husband, who had a smile just as sweet as this lady. I couldn’t understand why everything was so loud and I felt such a strong emotion being there, this strange place. I had no idea that as a child that was the first time I felt the holy ghost. I grew up in that church. I had Sunday school teachers, and youth directors and went to church camp every summer. There were a lot of things that I was taught there that stood against who I felt I was. It tore inside of me and left me confused and alone. Why should I have to give up my faith? Why can’t I be loved again like I was when I was just a child. Do I not matter? Is it because I am the unknown to you, do I intimidate people? Why am I having such a hard time finding my home church? Is this some sort of test?
Churches these days focus so much on what they can do to get capital grants, media attention, or achieve a standing in the community. Too many, go about it the wrong way. We need to take the churches back to then basics. Sunday church teaching our children, not keeping them entertained. Nursery care for our young mothers that need to get their soul fed as well. The younger they start off at a church the longer they will stay. It’s about family, and sometimes its hard to teach adults that. When its time for meet and greet, the members of the church should be aware of everyone there and go welcome the new comers. Talk to them and thank them. The pastor needs to meet all those that are new to show involvement with everyone not just the members. My pastor walked around the whole church from time to time during his sermon. Youth night should offer one on one mentorship with someone from the church. Counseling, and leadership out to the businesses use a fundraiser to reach out to the community. Get all the young children involved in any way that you can because they are our future. This day is dark and the ages are closing to the end. The world is slowly destroying itself hate consumes every energy and every corner to pray on ALL our weaknesses. If we do not have faith that what we believe is solid, we drift away one by one.
I am a child of faith, yet I pray every day and I live my life as best as I can. I am broken yes I am. I am lost, but I think I might have found a way to fulfill my purpose, and it doesn’t look like it will be through a church. What is the whole purpose you might ask about my story? It’s this, I know there are many of my readers that are in the same situation as I. It’s ok I am learning, that having a home church does not determine my faith and my relationship with God. With the right guidance I know that all my questions and pain will heal and be known with time. Don’t give up so easily, your relationship is not with people, God and you. It’s between you and God. At the end of the day, thats all that should matter.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
Check out this amazing voice of the lil Rhema Marvanne and check out her Facebook and add her to your list in iTunes. She has a lot of great Christian music!