No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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You made me a believer

Sandy beaches, rock climbing, mountain hiking, picnics in the park. I’ll even settle for some ice skating. (Wink) Swimming on floaties at the lake, curled up in our blanket at night around the crisp burning fire staring up at the midnight blue sky.

But I won’t sit here in this dimly lit and freshly painted white room. While you pick all the questions to this conversation and then pick apart my answers and analyze them. In a lot of ways it was really just a one sided relationship with you. I’ve always been the type of person that shows you what I think you want to see. Always keeping my dark and hidden secrets to myself. I do have to admit that I showed you more sides than I have shown others: but you did not see all of me. It wasn’t even until I realized my movements and actions were being observed instead of appreciated that I started to back away. You took me for granted and took advantage of my kindness: This loss of trust that occurred and how you cared so little to restore.

Dinner for two in a little corner of my favorite Italian restaurant. Candles blowing their scented smoke in our smiling faces. Holding hands. Music softly playing its notes throughout the air mesmerizing everyone into a love spell. Dancing on the floor in perfect synchronization with your body, I slowly start to melt into you. Gazing in your big brown sparkling eyes. I watch your dark hair fall away from your face and brush the tip of my nose. So close your lips were next to mine.

But then you violated the space I held in the name of respect and accountability. You were a huge f***ing disappointment on so many levels. I don’t even know why I kept coming back. My visions blurred so easily with the harsh and ill spoken words, those words cut so deep it bled out murder. It was such a violent experience within my soul that I had to crumble to the ground with any kind of submissiveness, then rise again from my ashes. Learning ways to always protect my heart. Shield how words affect me. Take back control of my thoughts and realign my aura. My survival skills have set in. My goals are in place.

All I really needed was a little less conversation and a little bit more touch my body. Slip your hands around my waist and pull me in closely. Tightness in my chest, hands shaking, and the floor is moving. The sweat is building up in my palms. My mouth is watering. Straight up animal attraction. It’s all I ever wanted.

I don’t mind saying everything that’s been inside my head. I don’t care if it sounds inconsiderate. I don’t care about it being irate or an ill misconception at its best. I no longer have to lick the sensitive sticker and slap it on anyone’s hand to get them to understand. But specifically for you, understand this: you will never know me. Not all of me. The old me that I left back there in the past with you. You can keep her and your idea of who you thought she was.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

The Exposure

 

I’ve never been good at deciphering puzzles and piecing them together. I don’t like to either. I find it redundant not to be honest and up front with people about your true intentions or how you truly feel about them. Looking at it all now, I see where I was being set up. Set up to be some big part in your game of take and take. You are the most high maintenance, wanna be famous, out there, look at me person I have ever met. I can’t believe it took me this long and all this drama to get that figured out. You want to talk about exhausting. If there ever were a role for a victim to play you would have it nailed to a T.  It is mind blowing to have to sit back and watch as you attempt and continue to hurt someone I have grown to care about. Lies, all lies. That is all that comes from your mouth. The poor souls that have to live with you. What will happen to them when you are done with them and leave them out there hanging to dry?

I can see why someone who loves me, would blackmail you, (not that it’s right) if they saw where your end game was before I was given the chance. Not just the first time, but the second time as well. Yea, I read ALL the messages. Just to keep you away from me, stoop that low to get you out of my life. Your reason as to why you stepped away (which I am glad happened), were completely different on two separate occasions. You just make stuff up, whatever it takes to gain sympathy from people. WOW. Everyone is a potential target when it comes to you. You use sex to get what you want with everyone you are with. Why are you telling other people how awful it is with very in-depth private details about your sex life and how awful your partner is, well you didn’t really sound like an active participant from what I’ve heard you say? And my, the things you said, you had a lot to say about her didn’t you? The things you trusted me with. Why would you even tell me any of the things you did? All for what, to gain trust, that is not how you gain someones trust by putting someone else down. Even without all the lies, what kind of person does these things to other people and plays these games or acts this way? You had me fooled for sure though.

But as I read EVERY message that was ever sent back and forth between you both which I’m sure you deleted half of them. Well, luckily for me, she didn’t. I was able to gather what your true intentions were after you were so hateful to me… and guess what? It blew up in your face. It pushed her and I closer and she told me the truth finally. Or should I say, showed me the truth. I’ve never disrespected any of my friends that way and I can’t believe you would have the audacity to call ME a liar about anything when I am anything but. That is not ok. You are crazy and I may be too, but at least I put forth the effort to be better, no one has to give me ultimatums or force me to take my medicine. No one makes me want to choose, or has to push me to be the best person I can be and reach my goals and accomplish my dreams without stepping on others. I choose it for myself to be a better person, to respect other people and their feelings. If my friends are questionable I would just ask them straight up, I wouldn’t assume anything I didn’t know, and I damn sure wouldn’t tell other people my opinions as facts. Or use only parts of what they wrote to get a leg up on your tall tales. I cannot wait for the day I run into your wife. I am going to unload everything in the most non hurtful way I can. Why? Because SHE is actually a good person. All of your dirty little secrets will come out. I will expose you for who you truly are. A mean, hateful, unhappy, unfaithful, lazy, excuse of a human bum that has been setting her up too just so you can be financially set. You make me sick. With your weird, messed up, twisted games. You made me think your wife was just this awful person, and the more I was around her the more I saw her light. You darken her light, you suck her dry, not the other way around. I would want to be an alcoholic too if I had to put up with your crap on an everyday basis. Just think, had you just walked away and left me alone because we all know what you were really after, you would have ended up getting it. Thanks to the heavens above for tempting you to express to me your true colors and show me just what kind of person you truly are. If I had no respect for her privacy I would blow this door wide open on you, put your name out there and expose who you really are to EVERYONE that I know and that I know that you know. You know what, come to think about it as I am typing this, actually I wouldn’t. You aren’t worth the wasted breath or energy involved in doing that. I just have to make my peace on here during my 10 minute timer because I could go on and on and hope she hears my cries and sees your lies and flies… far away from you.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead © copyright 2017

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 9, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011

 

Empty Castles

If there ever can be a right time, it is now. I am reading back on some of my writings and it seems every 4-5 years I go through this phase where I weed through my friends, I go through them thoroughly and determine if they are good for me. Yes, this is going to sound so selfish, and maybe it is but when it comes to who gets to be in our lives we should only choose those who are good for us and who we are good for. People who can teach us, and we can teach as well. There has to be patience. I think most of you will agree with me on that. Life is too short for games. Life is too short for not having loyalty and precision. Life is too short not to have love or to test the limits of love. Love is endless. Right? Usually a situation happens and it forces me to do this. Sometimes, it’s just time. But I wrote this poem called Empty Castles in 2012 and it was for an ex that kept me at bay at first but learned that I could love them as much as they loved me. I was given a chance and we had something different, but very beautiful. Very short lived. But our love was so incredible even though we had issues over our different standards and expectations. This person died in an accident shortly (an hour to be exact) after we had a fight and I have never gotten over it. This old lover of mine used to tell me the most favorite thing they loved about me was my loyalty and my desire for loyalty. Always saying anyone loyal to me would always have a control over me. I was told I had to learn boundaries. To be careful and of course I didn’t agree, even though this person was older than I. A psych major and very experienced. Were they right? Yes, I was wrong and I didn’t want to see it. I was so young, how could I see it? It was not familiar to me. It’s sad to me that I had to lose someone in order to learn a lesson that could have been learned had I been more open to learning. I try to be more open now to people and their feelings and opinions. I am always- let’s not let it get that far and lose those we love just because we can’t see where they are coming from or agree with how they are behaving. There has to be room for mistakes. Trial and error. Otherwise how else will we learn to appreciate people, friendships, relationships and things. One might think you don’t need boundaries, but for a bipolar person… boundaries are critical. Especially emotional boundaries. I am sensitive. You must not take advantage of me or break the rules. I have always been the one to break rules and/or bend them when I was younger or let others break the rules but I have firmly learned that rules are there for a reason. Usually, for very good reasons. If I catch you doing this to me, make no mistake that I will cut you out of my life. I am loyal, but I will walk away from someone who is not good for me. For example, Someone that is not trying to teach me something but only use me for their own satisfaction. There will be no exception to the rules with me. I will not be that person. I will not be foolish. I will not love anyone who does not love me in return. I will not love anyone who does not understand me. I will not love anyone who does not have patience. If you are living with a bipolar individual you might want to take notes. We respond to love, loyalty, and learning opportunities not; hate, uncertainty, and manipulation.

 

Empty Castles

The day comes to a close with the rain pattering on the hard shell of this outside castle I have built around my heart.

I let you in, yes I let you in.

I gave you all my trust, I let you rule my world, control my urges, pin point my every move.

I hung on your every word, I trusted you with my life and let you mold your grasp around my throat.

I wouldn’t breathe if you said not to.

Staring back now at this long staircase that led me no where fast, I look upon everything as a meaninful thing.

Instead of letting it get me down and regretting ever letting someone own so much of me, I see it all as…

It was meant to happen, it’s meant to be. There will be no us, there will only be what you had, and what you will never have again.

And should I, when you reach for me, with tears in your eyes- throat tightening reaching for your voice, should I, even once turn around and hear your words.

I’m sorry, I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I haven’t, I won’t, I promise—- all are particles of a trail that no longer holds any value for me.

Will you understand at all? No… you won’t because you’re arrogant and thinking you got it down, that you are always right, and nothing could ever be your fault.

No, you, the one that won’t understand at all.

Until one late midnight when you are alone in your empty castle, and there in that flat cold bed, the only groove is that of your own body weight.

You are difficult as it is, and without love, you are nothing short of being handled like any other ridiculous, hard, cold person.

Those actions alone, are what will always leave you… Alone.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2012

 

What am I listening to? Self Control by Laura Branigan

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