Hello old past

Dear… person,

I thought of you today. Something that I don’t allow myself to do often. I took the time to relish my shivers, satisfy my taste buds off and on all day today…settling back on those most profound memories. Circling in my office chair with my hands under my chin. My legs crossed and cozy socks warming my toes. The dynamics, the shifts, the old worn out confidence and how it’s all changed instantly swamped my thoughts… but the reality is I can’t say we ever had anything perfect. I can’t say we ever made commitments or promises, nor set expectations. At least not in the beginning. But I love you, was tossed around. Not lightly, not repetitively, only…just enough. I’ve learned excruciating facts today that crept into the light. So I guess it wasn’t a bad thing. A light bulb going off momentarily. In my mind entered this quote. I always hated it, never felt I understood it.

“If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”

Now, I read it and I feel it. Like, it’s there at the pit of my stomach.

Somehow my days lately have such powerful lessons at the end of them that it’s almost unbearable at times. People dropping like flies, people resurfacing, people testing the waters. I shall stand still. Stand tall and silent like a firm, cold, pale statute. March on. Keep moving. Don’t let anyone not worthy hold me back or stop me from reaching my potential. Earn. Trust. Worthy. Standards. Goodbye old me. Introducing new me: hello world. Hello person. Nice to meet you.

But today, I thought of you. Thank you for the small talk-invite. No really though, Its ok if you never learn, witness, or see the amazing, beautiful growth from what you’ve taught me in my short life.

But yes, Today I thought of you.

Tasha

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 19th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Exposure

 

I’ve never been good at deciphering puzzles and piecing them together. I don’t like to either. I find it redundant not to be honest and up front with people about your true intentions or how you truly feel about them. Looking at it all now, I see where I was being set up. Set up to be some big part in your game of take and take. You are the most high maintenance, wanna be famous, out there, look at me person I have ever met. I can’t believe it took me this long and all this drama to get that figured out. You want to talk about exhausting. If there ever were a role for a victim to play you would have it nailed to a T.  It is mind blowing to have to sit back and watch as you attempt and continue to hurt someone I have grown to care about. Lies, all lies. That is all that comes from your mouth. The poor souls that have to live with you. What will happen to them when you are done with them and leave them out there hanging to dry?

I can see why someone who loves me, would blackmail you, (not that it’s right) if they saw where your end game was before I was given the chance. Not just the first time, but the second time as well. Yea, I read ALL the messages. Just to keep you away from me, stoop that low to get you out of my life. Your reason as to why you stepped away (which I am glad happened), were completely different on two separate occasions. You just make stuff up, whatever it takes to gain sympathy from people. WOW. Everyone is a potential target when it comes to you. You use sex to get what you want with everyone you are with. Why are you telling other people how awful it is with very in-depth private details about your sex life and how awful your partner is, well you didn’t really sound like an active participant from what I’ve heard you say? And my, the things you said, you had a lot to say about her didn’t you? The things you trusted me with. Why would you even tell me any of the things you did? All for what, to gain trust, that is not how you gain someones trust by putting someone else down. Even without all the lies, what kind of person does these things to other people and plays these games or acts this way? You had me fooled for sure though.

But as I read EVERY message that was ever sent back and forth between you both which I’m sure you deleted half of them. Well, luckily for me, she didn’t. I was able to gather what your true intentions were after you were so hateful to me… and guess what? It blew up in your face. It pushed her and I closer and she told me the truth finally. Or should I say, showed me the truth. I’ve never disrespected any of my friends that way and I can’t believe you would have the audacity to call ME a liar about anything when I am anything but. That is not ok. You are crazy and I may be too, but at least I put forth the effort to be better, no one has to give me ultimatums or force me to take my medicine. No one makes me want to choose, or has to push me to be the best person I can be and reach my goals and accomplish my dreams without stepping on others. I choose it for myself to be a better person, to respect other people and their feelings. If my friends are questionable I would just ask them straight up, I wouldn’t assume anything I didn’t know, and I damn sure wouldn’t tell other people my opinions as facts. Or use only parts of what they wrote to get a leg up on your tall tales. I cannot wait for the day I run into your wife. I am going to unload everything in the most non hurtful way I can. Why? Because SHE is actually a good person. All of your dirty little secrets will come out. I will expose you for who you truly are. A mean, hateful, unhappy, unfaithful, lazy, excuse of a human bum that has been setting her up too just so you can be financially set. You make me sick. With your weird, messed up, twisted games. You made me think your wife was just this awful person, and the more I was around her the more I saw her light. You darken her light, you suck her dry, not the other way around. I would want to be an alcoholic too if I had to put up with your crap on an everyday basis. Just think, had you just walked away and left me alone because we all know what you were really after, you would have ended up getting it. Thanks to the heavens above for tempting you to express to me your true colors and show me just what kind of person you truly are. If I had no respect for her privacy I would blow this door wide open on you, put your name out there and expose who you really are to EVERYONE that I know and that I know that you know. You know what, come to think about it as I am typing this, actually I wouldn’t. You aren’t worth the wasted breath or energy involved in doing that. I just have to make my peace on here during my 10 minute timer because I could go on and on and hope she hears my cries and sees your lies and flies… far away from you.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead © copyright 2017

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 9, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why so lost little girl?

Why so lost little girl?
You have your head held high.
You mask a perfect life.
You portray the Robertson’s.
Why so lost little girl?
Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted?
Isn’t this what you’re suppose to be doing?
Why so lost little girl?
You know your broken wing is healed?
Do you see now you can soar higher than most?
Do you understand your capabilities?
Why, you do realize you paint the colors of the wind like a rainbow melt!
Why so lost little girl?
Why so lost?
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2017
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sleep walker

Sleep walker, why do you sneak at night,

in the most peaceful hours?

Night walker I feel you drag your

feet across the floor slowly.

 

Your blindness of my love for you is killing me,

breaking me apart quickly.

 

City drifter so many choices you have

who is your first, second, and third?

Cold catcher keep your twisted

tongue out of my reach.

 

Chorus;

You sing your lullaby to me,

you wrap your silk arms around my body

and cradle my hopes and insecurities into happiness,

followed with a ray of forgiveness.

 

High ropes seeker keep stretching on

towards eternity, until you reach me,

Mind space eraser, my thoughts can

only travel to your sweet face.

 

It’s like a cat scratch fever on an

evolving door, keep walking.

 

Chorus;

You sing your lullaby to me,

you wrap your silk arms around my body

and cradle my hopes and insecurities into happiness, 

followed with a ray of forgiveness.

 

 

When I finally get you in my sight my lungs collapse.

When I touch your skin on mine, my fears surpass.

For all the fights, boundaries, tears and long nights,

cease to exist for this simple moment of serenity.

 

Chorus;

You sing your lullaby to me,

you wrap your silk arms around my body

and cradle my hopes and insecurities into happiness, 

followed with a ray of forgiveness.

 

 

Sleep walker, why do you sneak at night,

in the most peaceful hours?

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2017

 

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

Broken Tiles

You’ve got my head spinning so fast that it makes me dizzy. So dizzy that I fall to the ground my hands landing in the rips of the carpet that squares the tile floor. The glass and sheetrock staggered all around sifting and grinding under my fingernails. The blood rushing to my head and falling like droplets, but its not blood; it’s tears. The salt taste rest on my lips as they quiver from the scared that shakes my frame so.

But- I love all of you though, still I am left wondering how I can make a clean break, how can I run as far away to the corner of the world that floats beneath me. Yes I am flying, flying free, breaking free. Yet, I am still chained… to another predestined atmosphere. Will I ever escape this circle? This pattern? This every day life? Will I really break the cycle and go to where I was created? Or will I suffer indefinitely?

For once I thought that giving my all to someone would be easy but I have found that I want most of those parts of myself back. I don’t know who’s going to kiss you when I am gone. I don’t know who will be there to pick your chassis back up and put you back to pieces. We used to be the glue to each others broken pieces, but that glue has turned to opposite ends of the magnet. Pulling our pieces back apart, everything we have built, starting all over again. Every brick I lay as foundation… it gets torn down with words, actions, and ridicule. I feel so defeated. I lay my entire mentally beaten body down and fall back into the clouds. The clouds of denial. The soft clouds that bring stillness to my bag of bones.

I feel desolated, dejected. I feel broken more now that I have ever felt in my life. It’s hard getting that out of my mouth. Because trust me I have been through a lot. It sounds so dirty. I feel dirty, and used and broken and beaten. Yes I know I’ve already said this and I sound like a record skipping just when it gets to my favorite part. but, every time things are going great something bad always happens.

So I cuddle up with my pillow between my legs and one behind my head and one to hold onto throughout the night as I fall asleep and hope that I wake up tomorrow. Or do I? Hinds sight isn’t always so bright.

The second attempt

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016