Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended Video- Halsey- Bad at Love

Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

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The Realization That Set Her Free

She kept it in for so long trying to hang on to what she thought they could have had. They had nothing though, realistically. After it was all said and done he ended up walking out of her life anyways. All those feelings and the time she put in was a waste of effort and energy. She bit her tongue when all she wanted to do was tell him how he slowly tortured her by making her feel things down there. She wanted something from him. Just wasn’t sure what that was at the time. With time on her side this time, her eyes have been opened. Was it intentional on his part? Maybe not. Maybe so. If she had to guess she thinks he knew exactly what he was doing. For what? For a boost in his ego? If he didn’t, then how stupid was he not to notice that she was feeling the sexual vibes he was generating and sucking them into her skin. That’s neither here nor there. Did he just really walk away and throw away everything that reminded him of her? Did he really just throw her out like a piece of trash? Oooh, the hurt that sunk in her deep.

She hopes that one day he will look back and find a memory of her haunting him. Why? Simply because he hurt her, and on some level she wanted him to feel the same kind of hurt. She however, will never see him the same anymore. All those thoughts and fantasies have moved on to someone new. There will always be someone new, because like Halsey sings “I’m bad at love.” She never promised to give him any part of her body, but he could have taken her by storm so easily. The would be heated moments filled with sweat and positions unknown to most. She knows now how she was weak minded and didn’t have it in her the strength to say no, can anyone really blame her though? Never once did he put her in the position to discover all her cards she thought she was hiding so well. She knows now what it all meant. She’s bad at love you see, maybe he was too? In hindsight she could never treat him better than any other person out there. He is just like all the others that held her heart, dropping it, letting it shatter all over the floor. Leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He no longer has anything to offer her that she doesn’t already have. It’s irrelevant now. After all she has been through, she is now wrapped up and entangled into a twist with a new lover. Set out to discover this new world that she was scared of. Why was she ever scared? It seems to come so easy to her now. Oh how she was missing out.

Yes, he missed a golden opportunity of something he never thought he wanted. Or did he want it? He sheltered his feelings from her, holding back all that he thought was precious and one of a kind. Baby, she said, “I hate to break it down like this, but I found what I was looking for elsewhere”. She found herself on her own without the help she thought she needed from him. All that pent up lust she was feeling, the smoldering mist that covered her body, causing a trembling within and the anticipation for sure has been brought to the surface for her by someone else. Someone who took the chance. Something she thought would never be possible because the hold he had on her was so strong and not from this world. She realizes after all this time, she didn’t need his kisses, his hands around her throat, his fingers between her legs, or his self proclaimed unique experiences. She realized finally that she doesn’t need anyone. She can get these feelings with just about anyone. A realization that has set her and her soul free.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video- Adele- You’ll never see me again

 

 

You made me a believer

Sandy beaches, rock climbing, mountain hiking, picnics in the park. I’ll even settle for some ice skating. (Wink) Swimming on floaties at the lake, curled up in our blanket at night around the crisp burning fire staring up at the midnight blue sky.

But I won’t sit here in this dimly lit and freshly painted white room. While you pick all the questions to this conversation and then pick apart my answers and analyze them. In a lot of ways it was really just a one sided relationship with you. I’ve always been the type of person that shows you what I think you want to see. Always keeping my dark and hidden secrets to myself. I do have to admit that I showed you more sides than I have shown others: but you did not see all of me. It wasn’t even until I realized my movements and actions were being observed instead of appreciated that I started to back away. You took me for granted and took advantage of my kindness: This loss of trust that occurred and how you cared so little to restore.

Dinner for two in a little corner of my favorite Italian restaurant. Candles blowing their scented smoke in our smiling faces. Holding hands. Music softly playing its notes throughout the air mesmerizing everyone into a love spell. Dancing on the floor in perfect synchronization with your body, I slowly start to melt into you. Gazing in your big brown sparkling eyes. I watch your dark hair fall away from your face and brush the tip of my nose. So close your lips were next to mine.

But then you violated the space I held in the name of respect and accountability. You were a huge f***ing disappointment on so many levels. I don’t even know why I kept coming back. My visions blurred so easily with the harsh and ill spoken words, those words cut so deep it bled out murder. It was such a violent experience within my soul that I had to crumble to the ground with any kind of submissiveness, then rise again from my ashes. Learning ways to always protect my heart. Shield how words affect me. Take back control of my thoughts and realign my aura. My survival skills have set in. My goals are in place.

All I really needed was a little less conversation and a little bit more touch my body. Slip your hands around my waist and pull me in closely. Tightness in my chest, hands shaking, and the floor is moving. The sweat is building up in my palms. My mouth is watering. Straight up animal attraction. It’s all I ever wanted.

I don’t mind saying everything that’s been inside my head. I don’t care if it sounds inconsiderate. I don’t care about it being irate or an ill misconception at its best. I no longer have to lick the sensitive sticker and slap it on anyone’s hand to get them to understand. But specifically for you, understand this: you will never know me. Not all of me. The old me that I left back there in the past with you. You can keep her and your idea of who you thought she was.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Imagine dragons- Believer

Declarations

Just know that I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

I can’t say I’ll never hurt you again or you will not hurt me. I’m adamant now that all the pain we’ve experienced is just like a storm, passing through but in the end bringing a calm and peaceful understanding. Every bone, every organ, and my entire soul in my body belongs to you my love. Even when there’s all those people that are shiny and new coming and going. Never will I neglect the responsibilities and the commitment we share. I understand other people are temporary and you are permanent. Never wanting to leave my side and always tuned in to my distractions. I can’t be mad at you for that. A true blessing you are… that I have taken for granted at different points on our journey. But those were only a momentarily misstep that was so insignificant on every level except one. That one thing being the realization that no one else in this world could ever compare to you. I think you have realized this too. It’s all going to be ok.

Commitment hit us like a natural piece of existence that’s always resided inside each of us. It was almost perfect before one of the windows looking into our lives shattered. All those empty spaces that have chased us relentlessly have been filled with different things. For me it was a betrayal that some would call minor. However, to me it could have been a means to an end. We were walking on a stretched out fine line of fake opportunities and living with unrealistic expectations. A little chaotic and cluttered those spaces were, but still it is ours to keep forever. Yet it was all merely distractions wouldn’t you agree? Over the years we have overcome all the barriers that we were presented with. There will be many more for this we should know and accept. For me, I will stand still, observe, and release. A lesson taken from my past and those mistakes that molded me into who I’m becoming on this new journey.

We have never been here before though. This intense, overpowering, and situational place. Loyalty has not been completely stripped, instead it’s taken on a whole new identity. We will no longer feel lost and wondering what if, or what was. Right? Did we learn this time, is it going to become what we know and live by? Was it all for nothing these struggles or was it everything we’ve been missing and needing to strengthen our bond?

I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Selena Gomez- Good for ya

Leaving It All Behind

This is more of an observation and realization blog. A moment I can take just for myself. Something that’s all mine. You see I like my individuality and uniqueness. I don’t think it’s a great idea for anybody to be trapped in those heavy bulky boxes. You know those kinds of boxes right? The kind that people put you in, tape you all up, and slap a label top. I do not like labels. Labels are inappropriate to introduce into what should be a trusting relationship.

I’ve been meditating for a few weeks now. Something I ask the universe for every time is to get rid of anything negative or things that are holding me back from reaching my potential. Little did I know I would be watching those close to my heart start dropping like flies. Friends that I kept very close to my heart, and some acquaintances disguised as friendships. Normally, I’d be really upset about this and think that I’ve done something wrong. I would try to fix it. I no longer will allow myself to feel like I have to save every relationship. If the relationship falls apart, chances are it’s all part of the big unknown plan fate has in store for us. Whatever the case may be, I know that it’s bigger than me and that I am going to be ok eventually. I’m not going to try and understand it anymore. I don’t have to question everything anymore. I am good with just learning how to let go. I am letting go of any of that control that I tried so hard to hang on to for so long. I’m letting go of anyone and everything thats not meant for me. I will show gratitude about this and in every situation that comes about or is leaving my life will be accepted. I give thanks to all the lessons that were learned and all the knowledge that I’ve gained. I give thanks to the love that I once felt and the love I shared with those that meant something special to me at some point in our friendships. Memories will not be muddy, or labeled. They will just be… memories.

 

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video: Sam Smith- Too Good At Goodbyes

My Cherry Tree

The call came in around 1 in the morning. Static and electricity shot through my body as they asked me if I would come down to the morgue to identify your body. Tears came pouring down my cheeks like an Oklahoma summer thunderstorm. The wind and rain breaking through barriers, tearing through the trees breaking their limbs, and flooding the streets. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and my legs weak in the knees. I couldn’t stand so tall anymore. All I could do was sit with a blanket wrapped around my arms and shoulders. I snuggled up and sobbed. I knew this day would come, I just didn’t expect it so soon. Does this really mean goodbye?

All your past attempts on your life have failed. You always made it out alive or pulled through. Every single attempt. If I had to take a guess, I’d guess over 30 attempts in your young years. I never imagined my life without you. I pictured long talks, beer or wine, movies or cards. It was our thing you know? I don’t want to see your cold body laying on a slab. Alone and frozen in time. Unsheltered. I don’t want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are forever.

These thoughts of how maybe I could have saved you creep in like the gate keepers of hell. Should I have put in more effort? Was there anything I could have said to make you realize the important role you played in my chaotic and ever changing life? The sweet smell of your long red flowing hair, will no longer be my safe place. For I will never get to run my fingers through each strand of your cherry colored mane. Hair braiding, face peels, or manicures. All over. No one left to indulge my inner, deepest, darkest secrets to. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

How will I react around your family when we all get together to mourn your loss, a life taken too soon? How will I be able to stand next to them when there’s this bite that’s chills every bone, all the way down my spine? Im feeling this hollow empty hole that gaps my heart into pieces take hold. It’s forever changed the course I was on. Altering my future and always hesitant decisions. What will my life be like now without you? I guess this is goodbye.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 6th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check out the video for the vibe of this blog

Power to an equal nation

I need the Initiation, without all the intimidation, or a fear of rejection, or worse any kind of retaliation, just declare your proclamation, watch with your observations, claim this devotion, putting away all the devastation, live like its a revelation. Use your imagination. Power to an equal nation.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 6th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.