Endless Thoughts

These wooden chairs with the uncomfortable cushions I’m sitting in couldn’t even take away from this view. I don’t think anyone could take away these feelings of bliss and freedom that I feel so heavily in my heart right now. The sun rises into the sky and breaks through the clouds like a beautiful Monet painted for only a select few to witness. I feel so lucky.

Happiness with a dose of harmony never comes together for me at the same time in my life. Yes I truly believe there is a difference. Lately, it’s been changing in every area of my life though. Yet, all I’ve been finding in this unfiltered realm is this perfect combination. Nothing seems to be a barrier. Nothing is too small or too big to take on. I feel a sense of self satisfaction taking over. Taking moments to myself, and focusing on handing out individual attention sporadically has proven to be healthy for me. I don’t need to know everyone and everyone doesn’t need to know me.

I suppose it’s safe to assume everyone has dark, hidden kept secrets buried deep in their hearts. I know I do. I always have. I always will. I take a peek every now and then just to remind myself why it’s better up here on the surface. You see, I’m notorious for getting myself into deep water or just plain down right into some kind of trouble. This new outlook on life though has me looking at things a lot differently. What I can do ultimately to change into something better? Someone I like a little bit more…  I kinda like it here. This realm I’ve been blessed with. I think I’ll stay and camp out here for awhile. Take in the fresh air. Kick back and enjoy each and every one of my sunrises.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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The Realization That Set Her Free

She kept it in for so long trying to hang on to what she thought they could have had. They had nothing though, realistically. After it was all said and done he ended up walking out of her life anyways. All those feelings and the time she put in was a waste of effort and energy. She bit her tongue when all she wanted to do was tell him how he slowly tortured her by making her feel things down there. She wanted something from him. Just wasn’t sure what that was at the time. With time on her side this time, her eyes have been opened. Was it intentional on his part? Maybe not. Maybe so. If she had to guess she thinks he knew exactly what he was doing. For what? For a boost in his ego? If he didn’t, then how stupid was he not to notice that she was feeling the sexual vibes he was generating and sucking them into her skin. That’s neither here nor there. Did he just really walk away and throw away everything that reminded him of her? Did he really just throw her out like a piece of trash? Oooh, the hurt that sunk in her deep.

She hopes that one day he will look back and find a memory of her haunting him. Why? Simply because he hurt her, and on some level she wanted him to feel the same kind of hurt. She however, will never see him the same anymore. All those thoughts and fantasies have moved on to someone new. There will always be someone new, because like Halsey sings “I’m bad at love.” She never promised to give him any part of her body, but he could have taken her by storm so easily. The would be heated moments filled with sweat and positions unknown to most. She knows now how she was weak minded and didn’t have it in her the strength to say no, can anyone really blame her though? Never once did he put her in the position to discover all her cards she thought she was hiding so well. She knows now what it all meant. She’s bad at love you see, maybe he was too? In hindsight she could never treat him better than any other person out there. He is just like all the others that held her heart, dropping it, letting it shatter all over the floor. Leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He no longer has anything to offer her that she doesn’t already have. It’s irrelevant now. After all she has been through, she is now wrapped up and entangled into a twist with a new lover. Set out to discover this new world that she was scared of. Why was she ever scared? It seems to come so easy to her now. Oh how she was missing out.

Yes, he missed a golden opportunity of something he never thought he wanted. Or did he want it? He sheltered his feelings from her, holding back all that he thought was precious and one of a kind. Baby, she said, “I hate to break it down like this, but I found what I was looking for elsewhere”. She found herself on her own without the help she thought she needed from him. All that pent up lust she was feeling, the smoldering mist that covered her body, causing a trembling within and the anticipation for sure has been brought to the surface for her by someone else. Someone who took the chance. Something she thought would never be possible because the hold he had on her was so strong and not from this world. She realizes after all this time, she didn’t need his kisses, his hands around her throat, his fingers between her legs, or his self proclaimed unique experiences. She realized finally that she doesn’t need anyone. She can get these feelings with just about anyone. A realization that has set her and her soul free.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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