Beneath The Willow Tree

As I lay here in company, the bed so warm and soft. I feel I am alone, this world inside my head. This week has been heavy on my heart with all the angles swept. Piled into a corner, is where I let it set. Everyone around me, their voices are like chords. They scratch inside these bones, like chalk is to the board.

My mind starts racing faster, as I crawl into my hole, tucked away, far behind that velvet curtain roll. Reality, realism, rational all have no place in here. Only things that I believe are certain to appear, but only if it’s entrance toys away the fear.

My legs are tight and torn, they shake with trembled care. My toes curl into a ball and the ceiling bares my glare. Choices here, choices there, my patience fading too. Everyone has a thought on what they think I’ll do.

My eyes are closing now, drifting like the smog. The room is barely lit, but yet I see the fog. The words form in my heart, they form inside my mind. Hidden in this space, this secret place of mine. This search for a peaceful life, will come to me I know. Wrapped in silky purple bows these tickets to my show.

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, October 29th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis

Love Curse

I’ve never been that great in the love department.

Everyone tries to fix me and mold me into what their idea of what I should be. The relationship gets stagnant and trust me when I say I am one difficult bitch to handle. I fight the currents, I swim into the waves away from the shore when it becomes too much. I dive deep down under and watch all the beautiful life that surrounds me. It’s always just out of my grasp. Those fairy tale endings, the romeo and juliet, the knight in shining armor ending never comes for me. I can’t be rescued, you shouldn’t let me in your heart and you shouldn’t even try. I am emotionally unavailable for even those that I keep close to my heart. I push away those that mean the most to me because the connection is just too strong for me to control myself around them. And still, my boredom always takes over, my jealousy always comes with stipulations. That get thrown out the window as I use them as a crutch for my uncatered behaviors. I get so frustrated with the perfect family image and good girl persona that everyone expects from me. Girl, can’t I have itches? Can’t I scratch my open legs with a little tingling in secrecy? I always slip up and make the same mistakes. Learning these lessons is not a skill I have mastered yet and to be truthful some lessons I want to relive. Over and over again. I don’t want to get over them, I don’t want to move on. One thing I do know is that I don’t want to be your only one. I don’t mean to mis-interpretate. I don’t mean to misrepresent my intentions.

All I am saying is, I’ve never been that great in the love departement.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended Video- Halsey- Bad at Love

Dedicated to the one and only Hillary.

The would be unfaithful wife

A letter from the to be unfaithful wife

I just want what I haven’t had before I think to myself. Is it so hard for you to reach across the table and touch my hand? Reach a little further below, maybe grace my leg with the presence of your hand. I can warm your hands up for you if you’re game. Will you reach into my space, violate my bubble, and torment my desires while bracing your inner courage to kiss me? Statements and questions I ask of you, to get you think about the possibility of being with me in ways you never wanted or craved before. Do you now though? Or have you always? Can you toy with the idea of being with someone that is already taken by someone else? Knowing she will never be yours completely. Only momentarily. Can you keep my secrets? Are you strong enough to realize this is a phase that will disappear before its started? You will be just a curiosity I need to explore. Something I know is bad for me and bad for the one I am suppose to love until death do us part. Yet, a taste of your neck and body on my mouth and lips, the stout, sharp, salty taste lingering on for hours after initial contact. Is it too much to pass up? Just the thought and imagery makes me feel things in my body that I can’t turn off anymore, I have lost all control. I don’t want it back. I want to explore an adventure that shows me what I’ve only ever dreamed about having with you.

Can you handle a good girl gone bad, a girl that’s waiting to be punished? For I do need to be punished so badly for having this lust in me burning like fire. Can your heart disconnect it’s strings from any emotions or attachments? Will you open your soul and reach into the darkest corners, pulling your desires to the surface to show me just how much I have been missing? Will you show me new things? Will you show me who you really are? Are you even capable of this challenge I put before you? Or does your moral compass tilt when you read this? Does an immediate guilt fall over you when you think of my face dancing circles around your lap? Should I put in my request now, or shall we let this drag out a little bit more? Am I reaching too far? Am I out of my lane? What will your decision be?

The dinner party

It all started around 5 pm for food and drinks. I sit by you of course. Is this too close for comfort, I’m thinking? Why should I torture myself sitting so close to you knowing deep down that this is as close as we will ever be. Your lack of response to my letter, and dismissal must mean you were appalled right? Halfway through dinner and only after a few drinks were thrown back, you glance at me and smile. It’s a smile I’ve never seen on you before. There’s something different, those sort of devious curves that wrapped around the corners of your mouth. At one point during dinner we were discussing things that disturb us. You look over at me laughing, while telling one of your experiences with an ex, and you touch me. You place your hand on my shoulder and squeeze it gently. This is out of the norm for you, as you aren’t one to touch anyone even those that are close to you. To top it all off, was when we were getting ready to leave, I gather all my things and head toward the door which is on the other side of you. You wrap your arm around my waist and pull me in brushing your body against mine sending chills down my back, all the while you’re acting as if you are trying to squeeze me by you to get me to the door. Seemingly innocent enough but no doubt out of character and unusual behavior on your behalf. After dinner we all decide that a bar is too smoky and crowded. So to your house it is. Some of our group attendees can’t come, but about 6 of us decided to move the party to your domain. We get to your house and put on some sultry, pop music and some of us start dancing, including myself. I let loose and dance in the dark corner by myself throwing myself into the music. Feeling the vibe, you get up to come next to me and dance. You don’t touch me at all. Just casually dance next to me. Locking eye contact with me, I see your shy side slowly melting away. That stare you are burning into my gaze. That look of yours. After the song ended I went to your bathroom, luckily for me it doesn’t have a lock on it. I use the bathroom and start washing my hands. You come in the door without knocking, you stand next to me as if you don’t know what your next move is. In a sense coming in the bathroom was enough to hint to me the next move would be on me. I grab you and sit you on the toilet, I wrap my hands around your hair locks, I stare at you and watch your expressions. I lean down and tilt your head up and put my mouth on your neck while tightening my grip around your throat. This passion is so strong that I can feel bolts of sharp vibrations shaking it’s way down to my waist and of course much below all the way down to my feet and toes. My legs begin to tremble, you stand up and push me against the wall and cover me and my shadow with your overpowering dominance. Realizing we can only do so much in this small bathroom, we peek out to ensure no one is around. We sneak into your bedroom. That moment and every detail will be forever engraved into my mind. That night was powerful and mighty, by far the best night of my life. Unexpected, but necessary I felt to put this tension between us behind and move on.

A week later

Little did I know moving on would mean you would leave me behind in the dust. I haven’t heard anything back from you since that night. All my text go ignored. You have completely disappeared from my life. Not so much as a hello, or had a great time, or a goodbye letter. No response. No comments. No initiation. You gave me what I was needing, what I was wanting. You showed me what true passion and salvation felt like. However, my spouse is no one to let anything get past her leading her to ask me why depression has fallen so deeply. Followed by why I haven’t mentioned your name or talked about you. I guess she always knew there was something between you and I. My silence is deafening to her ears. My expressions show all my indiscretions. The cold that overtook the room, leaving a ghostly feeling of betrayal. Darkness fell over the room. The heavy solid strike came out of no where, a blunt force trauma to my head. I lay on the ground, blood coming out from the side of my head and running down my left cheek. Everything is foggy, I feel dizzy, I am weak. My body lays limp and numb right there where she left me. Everything turns black and all life I had left in me begins to leave my body. A burglary she said to the men in uniform that came knocking down the doors after her 911 call. In this limbo part of this unknown world where nothing changes, and everything changes I relive our moment together on repeat. I suffer the same demise, the same fate following. It’s not until I wake up the next morning and realize it was all a dream thats showing me a sign, a fortune being told to me of the outcome of what having you in my life will bring.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 4th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Don’t forget to check out the video I picked to set the vibe for this blog.

Last moments 10-29-2016

So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,

I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,

my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.

Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,

for yet they have been blind in life so far.

How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,

I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.

I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.

I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.

Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?

How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.

Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?

Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?

I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.

Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?

Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?

Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?

Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?

I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,

I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.

I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.

My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.

I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,

as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.

The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.

The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016