Beneath The Willow Tree

As I lay here in company, the bed so warm and soft. I feel I am alone, this world inside my head. This week has been heavy on my heart with all the angles swept. Piled into a corner, is where I let it set. Everyone around me, their voices are like chords. They scratch inside these bones, like chalk is to the board.

My mind starts racing faster, as I crawl into my hole, tucked away, far behind that velvet curtain roll. Reality, realism, rational all have no place in here. Only things that I believe are certain to appear, but only if it’s entrance toys away the fear.

My legs are tight and torn, they shake with trembled care. My toes curl into a ball and the ceiling bares my glare. Choices here, choices there, my patience fading too. Everyone has a thought on what they think I’ll do.

My eyes are closing now, drifting like the smog. The room is barely lit, but yet I see the fog. The words form in my heart, they form inside my mind. Hidden in this space, this secret place of mine. This search for a peaceful life, will come to me I know. Wrapped in silky purple bows these tickets to my show.

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, October 29th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Bittersweet highs and lows

The lights dance across the floor, entangled excitement I just want release For the longing and anticipation that never comes next.

 

I stand in the back, tucked away in the corner while the music dies

You dwindle softly away from me and into the night without me by your side.

 

I keep to myself, I just want to hold your hand and dance but you don’t see me

I’m not the girl you are riding back home with, the one you’re buying drinks for.

 

I’ve given you time, lots of time to process your feelings and thoughts

Yet you leave me hanging around without time to process my own. Left me wanting more.

 

Was there ever a perfect moment, when all you had to do was hold my hair back

Pulling me in close to your chest, a gentle kiss on the forehead was all it would take?

 

To reel me back in this trance you had me in, only now I don’t see how

We could ever be anything but a moment lost in time, a once never known.

 

The hasty decisions, were all mine to make on my own, since it was just I

That was playing this two person game, without participation from you, a simple mistake.

 

It’s you, all you, I just try to run from you and you keep my heart beating, just going

Ninety miles an hour knowing I’ll never be the same, never tamed.

 

Like a drug, I keep coming back for more each time the high goes away

Knowing that I’m just a sucker for the way you move me, I can’t stay.

 

It can’t be love, this game of you loving to see me fall apart just to put me back together

You got me so good, without loving me the way I deserve, driving me insane.

 

All I want you to do is love me, just love me. I am tired of the waste, these broken

Limbs just getting in my way, I’ll run for miles oh just for a taste.

 

Oh but we’ve got tonight, just one night left can we dance and sit by the fire

outside in the back? I don’t know why I let this go on without standing a chance.

 

So goodbye is what I will say for now as I make my way to something grander

and better, something that will stay with me, a bittersweet desire.

 

Tasha Geller

May 21, 2018 

© Tasha Geller 5/21/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

The Fat Girls Closet

The bodacious sound of two fat butt cheeks slapping together, my arms pulling as hard as they can, my fingers grip the top of the pants. I sway to the left, I sway to the right, I bend down like its somehow going to help. I pull up as fast as I can with my fingers well tight and snug around the end, where I button and zip up my pants. Finally I got them on. Inside my mind right then, that moment I thought I have to lose weight.

I look in the mirror to try and determine if my belly hanging over can be hidden by a specific kind of shirt. Oh, is it cold enough to wear a long scarf? Is it cold enough to wear a hoodie? After being fat for a good while, you learn to buy sweats, or the pretty ones from old navy so you don’t look too terrible. You learn to take pictures from different angles so you don’t have a double chin or so people can’t see your belly or arms. You learn to contour your makeup so that your makeup gives you certain features that make you look thinner. You learn to wear mens T-Shirts so your double arm is hidden in the sleeve. You learn to wear browns and blacks because it makes you look thinner. You learn to stop wearing the cute clothes you always wore before. Why?

Today in america, models are thinner than they have ever been. Every where we look there is someone famous that is walking the red carpet with the thinnest dress, and they are listed as best dressed. Why when someone sees us, they see someone they are conditioned to believe is ugly simply because we are overweight? When we try to express our individuality we are told the outfit we are wearing was not designed for someone like ourselves, someone the size we are. What? That we are fat? That we are overweight?

Grow up, you are not perfect yourself. You may work out at the gym, and wear all the nice clothes and are in fashion from the moment you step out of your house. That doesn’t mean that you are better than I am. It doesn’t mean you are smarter than I am. Really it just means that you are superficial. In your world people like me need to get off our butts and hit the gym. You would dare not ever be seen on a date with someone my size. That’s so sad, to be a 12-14 I should not feel fat. I should not have to look in the mirror and feel horrible about myself. If my sons want to wear blue nail polish on their thumb nails or toe nails, who am I to take away that innocent. That is all it is. People make it out to be what they are conditioned to believe because its different. We are all different.

Will the world ever get better in our generation? The world just keeps getting worse. There are too many people that are self entitled, and only relate to what is cool in our media or what they read. The media used to be an outlet for everyone to be educated with what is happening in the world. Now it’s just a circus, which channel can get the most viewers. Let’s do something so whack that it blows away peoples minds. Taylor Swift and Kanye? That’s not the kind of education I want to know. That needs to stay in the entertainment magazines or youtube channels, it does not belong on the news. What has this world come to? Seriously ask yourselves, why are clothes, makeup, extensions, pedicures, manicures, tanning, working out, having the most likes on twitter or youtube, being the coolest so important to you? Wouldn’t you rather feed the hungry, comfort women of domestic violence, be a friend to an overweight person and not judge them, help those that are needy, stop being so greedy, take care of each other. Even if they sin. Say they are gay, or transgender, or they were in prison, or perhaps are ex addicts, current addicts. We all have faults. Let’s stop judging each other! Be kind to each other. Smiles are contagious you know, and hugs, well they heal.

So next time you see a fat person instead of being disgusted just hope that they are happy, no judgements.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

The Medicine Shoppe

I start making my way home from Walgreens, crying and so irritated that I punch my steering wheel multiple times. Then I realized at the stop light, the car next to me had a small child sitting in the back watching me, waving at me and blowing me a kiss. I sure wish I could feel like a child again, so innocent and sweet. Showing love to anyone they see. The world doesn’t exist as a big bad world to a child. Innocent and always forgiving they are. Why can’t we as adults be so forgiving? Why can’t we all be blind to color, blind to weight, blind to how much money you have? It’s always something, there is always a neighbor or friend comparing their lives and things to yours. Why must we be judged for the things we don’t have or do have? Why must we all fit a certain criteria for anyone to care for you or about you? What happened to family cook outs, and picnics by the lake? Why do we have our phones in our hands all the time. Why do we care more about our paychecks than our actual job? So many questions and no one there to answer them.

It wasn’t too long ago I had to take on Walgreens this big bad corporate world. What I mean by bad, is that is they never had my medicine ready, they were rude, it took at least 2 hours, and they have a racist employee there. I have complained at last 10 different times and not one person called me, emailed me, or even reached out to talk to me about my issues there. My insurance isn’t taken very many places. However, there is good to this story. I found a new pharmacy. Someone told me about it a long time ago, and I have driven by it several times. But each time I passed this pharmacy I told myself its just going to take to long to talk to them, transfer my stuff, or even explain why I needed a new pharmacy. I have kids, homework, school, cleaning, cooking, working my full time job, finishing my book and anything else that needed to be done. Adding one more thing to my list wasn’t something I needed.

I happened to be in town, and you know that pull in your chest that rumbling of your stomach and butterflies when you drive by a place? Well I just knew something was pulling me to this pharmacy. So I decided to stop by. I walked in this store and it felt like home. I had this warm fuzzy feeling that just overflowed in my bones and my heart. I look around quickly and notice how beautifully arranged this little tiny cottage looking pharmacy is. It was like a dream for me, it wasn’t too warm, or cold. There were beautiful, kind, nice girls behind the counter. There was medicine stacked nicely, and arranged correctly. Everything was so easy to find. What really caught my eyes were the different cards they had for different events. Birthdays, dog sympathy, anniversaries. The were make out of recycled paper and unlike anything I had seen before. For me to say that, means they were pretty special and amazing. Then I saw him, he had gray/white hair, tall and thin and looking at me with the biggest smile I had ever seen. He looked at me in a weird sense, he wasn’t sure what I was doing there but I could tell he was curious! I drifted right toward him. His aura and light shined so bright, I just knew this was where I was suppose to be. We talked for a bit, he introduced me to all the girls that were working there. The girls loved to talk and laugh. When I went off on a story binge they would all laugh, ask questions and participate. They accepting me for who I was. I was not just another number or customer.  They were not catty at all, like the “other place”. They were sweet and loving. I talk to Laney mostly now, she is on top of all my medicine for me and my whole family. She has everything done before I can even ask her. But when I come in all the girls are so friendly and talkative. I absolutely love it! I never have to wait, they each have their own job to do and they do it very well. I don’t know if they have bad days, because they never show it. They always are happy, and happy to see us. I get all the same options that I did at Walgreens, texting notifications, phone call notifications, plus a  million more. I don’t know what it was that pulled me into that pharmacy that day, but I am glad it did.

There are a lot of people in this world that have to take medicine daily. Then there are those that don’t believe in medicine. Well I am one of those people that need medicine. I am bipolar like I have said in many of my stories. Being bipolar is like living on a roller coaster. One minute you’re happy, then the next you want to punch someone in the face. It can change in the course of 5 minutes. So my medicine helps me balance those mood swings, and manic episodes. I need my medicine, it makes my life and my families life so much better and easier and of course happier. If you are dependent on medicine for anything, antibiotics, diabetes, depression, anxiety, bipolar, pain, or many other things then you will understand how important it is having a good pharmacy.

I need my medicine at any given notice and having a place to call my own, where they know my name, and they have my stuff ready. It’s been life changing for me. Not everyone will understand this and I don’t care. But this new place for me… The Medicine Shoppe they have truly changed my life and have made things so incredibly easy for me. I wish I would have switched sooner. So I thought hey why not give them a shout out while explaining that sometimes you just can’t explain things.

http://www.medicineshoppe.com/pharmacy-locations/oklahoma/shawnee/home

 

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2016