The bruises that hurt, the ship that broke
They towed the line, but choked the sail.
A stairway leading down, to the all burning hot flames of the fires exploding from the doors of hell. Hidden creatures in the smoke, so thick. Your visions are void. Senses dull. Left alone you once again out flown by a dove!
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 11/25/2016 6:57pM
As I lay at the bottom of this tiny squared shower, the hot water running down my shoulders and around my tummy, my knees curled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I sob softly afraid of anyone in the house hearing me. I look down at the drain and see hundreds of strands of black hair circling around and slowly clogging it up. Its been awhile now that my hair has been falling out, I have been able to secure a way to hide it by wearing hats and pulling it up into a bun. The front though, its kinda hard to miss the balding that is happening there. But if you don’t know to look, you don’t see it.
My life has been pretty good now that I look back at everything I have been through. It’s really taught me some hard tough lessons and those have gotten me out of a lot of situations in my past and in my present. So even though I cried myself to sleep often as a child and as an adult, it was nothing compared to the pain I will see on my children’s face as I lay in the hospital and explain to them that I will not be around for their high school graduation, their college graduation, their wedding, or even get the opportunity to meet my hopefully many grandchildren they have. This is my third go around with cancer and I know I should have removed everything, and just have been done with it altogether. How though? When I knew I wanted another child. I waited too long and its too hard at this stage to pass it off as symptoms of a disorder. Yet still no one has noticed. I have managed to keep it in part to myself. I have seen too many tears in my lifetime, to see more over me would be too sad for me to handle.
The pains that lay inside my womb, and outside my abdomen, scratch its way into my chest and lungs. Coughing is so hard, my head feels as its going to explode. I wish it would. I would rather be dead than have my children and family see me suffer as I wait this out. Life is hard and I have always been confused by others actions, or responses to me. I have had a pretty good support system though, and I have a great family. I was able to get my joy by playing every sport in high school, going to college to learn new things, and have children which I never thought would have been possible. I have had the pleasure of storytelling my life through pictures, poems, and writing. One day when people look back and see my name, they will smile. They will be filled with tears of happiness knowing that I have found God, and peace, and I was finally ready to go. I will rejoice in the heavens and sing my favorite church hymns and hear the angels joyful songs while dancing with my loved ones the ones that I will be joined with- the former family and friends that have long passed before me, as we share our stories and learn where we came from and where and how it all started. How awesome will that be to get all my answers that I have asked my whole life? I will sit on Jesus lap and smell his hair and feel his soft restored skin, look at him and feel an undying love, something that I never truly got on earth except through my children’s eyes. They are precious? Yes, they love you unconditionally. Which makes it all the more hard to bring it up and tell them what is going on.
My heart breaks while I look over to my side and see former patients who’s last day was today, knowing they will have the rest of their life to live without this cruel pain and evil disease. Yet, I am happy for them for they got lucky and they need more time to serve out their purpose here on earth.
I guess mine was already served, and I won’t find out what it was until I get to where I am going. Knowing though, that somewhere, somehow I managed to change or alter someones life for the better or set them on the path to get them where they needed to go makes me happy. In life we all have choices, some come back to bite us in the butt. Sometimes they come back and show us why we were put here to begin with. Life is one huge lesson, with mini battles you have to fight for one ultimate purpose. Enjoy yours to the fullest because you never know when it will be your time to go.
If I could give one piece of advice, for you to take and really learn from. I would have to say love those that are around you, through fights and make ups and break ups and don’t judge them or their actions because you truly never know what they are battling or going through inside. They were brought in your life for a reason, don’t question it just learn from it.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
I can’t take my eyes of you….
I can’t take my arms off of you….
I can’t take my my feet and walk away from you….
I can’t forget about you, it’s not like it should be….
This is going do be a different kind of blog. It takes more than just reading a few or few thousand lines. It requires your participation. And you will have to develop an opinion on what I am trying to say here by reading this. And then listening to this song below. It’s ok if you choose to listen to it a couple times. It’s truly moving me. Do you feel me, do you really know me? To listen to the video just click the white triangle in the middle right below.
Tasha Hollingshead-Geller ©copyright 2016
Have you ever given a child a piece of candy and the next time that same child comes back for more candy? Well I was that child to Mrs. W who was living in the nursing home next to our town park that I frequented often by myself. I think I might have been 8 years old or so. She was a rocking lady too. She escaped the nursing home at least 3 times a day. She would go to the same spot and eat the peppermint candies the nurse had bought her a bag of. I got the best stories from her. I had to introduce myself a couple times, but it seemed like we picked up right where we left off. I began coming to see her all the time. She introduced me to all her friends, they would sit around and listen to me try to play songs on the piano in the middle of the center. It never failed, I would turn around and the room would echo back the loud clapping. It was like a candy store to me because I got candy from all my friends every time I came. The nurses let me go free range. I knew everyones name…. and the best part everyone knew mine. Then there was Mrs. A who lived in my dads rental house. She had the biggest tree on the whole block. It was very shady and jungle looking. A branch fit perfectly for my bottom and my back and head rest exactly as needed for me to sit back and read a 600 page book. She was bed ridden Mrs A… She was over 500 pounds. She says I saved her but truthfully she saved me as Mrs. W had passed away a couple months before. I would sit in her house and we would play cards, eat chocolate that she sent me to the store to buy. We would watch tv, and listen to music. It was her that introduced me to classical music. I got to be her best friend, only friend until she passed away two years after I moved to Denver. I couldn’t make it to her funeral. I feel her spirit though. Sometimes in the wind, or when I see the earths bountiful beauty.
Today, as we three sat at the kitchen table reading poems of hers, listening to her favorite songs and getting music for her playlist. Hearing them type and read out obituary. I broke down so many times today, but more when the music of old gospel hymns filled the air. I saw pictures of her when she was younger. I saw her smile so brightly in a picture, more so than I have ever witnessed since I became to know her. I feel her spirit still it fills our home as I type this out. I hear today how she was a writer like myself. I saw her commas and placement of sentences and they are a lot like mine. I am sad, that it took her death for me to know these wonderful things about her. I am sad that I never got to sit down and have a cup of tea and laugh and talk about her life. I am sad that our conversations were always one sided. I am sad that I never got the chance to hear her voice. Even after hearing she was a terrible singer, I would have done anything to hear her sing something to me. Or sing something to Z my son. He is devastated. I am still debating on rather or not to take him to the funeral. Every time for some reason when we would walk in Grandma N’s room, as soon as he started talking she wanted to see him and tried to pry open her crusted over eyes with her fragile hands shaking and thin looking. He loved hugging her. He loved reading to her. He would always kiss her forehead and play with her hair, just like I have always done. He has my heart, my son. He has a passion for old folks. As every body knew him at the nursing home, they would roll their wheelchairs toward us and he would hug all of them. No one was left behind when it came to his hugs. They would ask if we would be sitting by the big fish tank sitting room every single time. His and T’s my other sons favorite place to hang out. His favorite thing is to wheel them where they needed to go when we were about to leave. Yes he has the same heart as I. We will rejoice with tears of joy as we say our goodbyes instead of tears of sadness. For I may be sad about many things, one thing I am not sad about is that she is finally at peace. She is with her loved ones that have gone before her. I am happy knowing that her passionate singing voice will be forever beautifully sung to the one above all and heard over all the angels. I am happy she is forever young, never knowing then or now what pain even is. I am happy that she can do her favorite thing, be with our heavenly father and praise and rejoice with him every single moment till infinity. I am happy that she gets to see what heaven looks like, and she gets to explore indefinitely how beautiful it looks and feels like. Her fear was chained to the earth, left behind when she left her body behind to go soar with the angels. Her soul is flying so high and so bright that we will all think its a star up there. So will I be sad when we say our goodbyes? No, I do not believe I will. She would be disappointed in me. In all of us really. She is free. We love you and will miss you Grandma N. T, S, Z, TT
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016