If there ever can be a right time, it is now. I am reading back on some of my writings and it seems every 4-5 years I go through this phase where I weed through my friends, I go through them thoroughly and determine if they are good for me. Yes, this is going to sound so selfish, and maybe it is but when it comes to who gets to be in our lives we should only choose those who are good for us and who we are good for. People who can teach us, and we can teach as well. There has to be patience. I think most of you will agree with me on that. Life is too short for games. Life is too short for not having loyalty and precision. Life is too short not to have love or to test the limits of love. Love is endless. Right? Usually a situation happens and it forces me to do this. Sometimes, it’s just time. But I wrote this poem called Empty Castles in 2012 and it was for an ex that kept me at bay at first but learned that I could love them as much as they loved me. I was given a chance and we had something different, but very beautiful. Very short lived. But our love was so incredible even though we had issues over our different standards and expectations. This person died in an accident shortly (an hour to be exact) after we had a fight and I have never gotten over it. This old lover of mine used to tell me the most favorite thing they loved about me was my loyalty and my desire for loyalty. Always saying anyone loyal to me would always have a control over me. I was told I had to learn boundaries. To be careful and of course I didn’t agree, even though this person was older than I. A psych major and very experienced. Were they right? Yes, I was wrong and I didn’t want to see it. I was so young, how could I see it? It was not familiar to me. It’s sad to me that I had to lose someone in order to learn a lesson that could have been learned had I been more open to learning. I try to be more open now to people and their feelings and opinions. I am always- let’s not let it get that far and lose those we love just because we can’t see where they are coming from or agree with how they are behaving. There has to be room for mistakes. Trial and error. Otherwise how else will we learn to appreciate people, friendships, relationships and things. One might think you don’t need boundaries, but for a bipolar person… boundaries are critical. Especially emotional boundaries. I am sensitive. You must not take advantage of me or break the rules. I have always been the one to break rules and/or bend them when I was younger or let others break the rules but I have firmly learned that rules are there for a reason. Usually, for very good reasons. If I catch you doing this to me, make no mistake that I will cut you out of my life. I am loyal, but I will walk away from someone who is not good for me. For example, Someone that is not trying to teach me something but only use me for their own satisfaction. There will be no exception to the rules with me. I will not be that person. I will not be foolish. I will not love anyone who does not love me in return. I will not love anyone who does not understand me. I will not love anyone who does not have patience. If you are living with a bipolar individual you might want to take notes. We respond to love, loyalty, and learning opportunities not; hate, uncertainty, and manipulation.
The day comes to a close with the rain pattering on the hard shell of this outside castle I have built around my heart.
I let you in, yes I let you in.
I gave you all my trust, I let you rule my world, control my urges, pin point my every move.
I hung on your every word, I trusted you with my life and let you mold your grasp around my throat.
I wouldn’t breathe if you said not to.
Staring back now at this long staircase that led me no where fast, I look upon everything as a meaninful thing.
Instead of letting it get me down and regretting ever letting someone own so much of me, I see it all as…
It was meant to happen, it’s meant to be. There will be no us, there will only be what you had, and what you will never have again.
And should I, when you reach for me, with tears in your eyes- throat tightening reaching for your voice, should I, even once turn around and hear your words.
I’m sorry, I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I haven’t, I won’t, I promise—- all are particles of a trail that no longer holds any value for me.
Will you understand at all? No… you won’t because you’re arrogant and thinking you got it down, that you are always right, and nothing could ever be your fault.
No, you, the one that won’t understand at all.
Until one late midnight when you are alone in your empty castle, and there in that flat cold bed, the only groove is that of your own body weight.
You are difficult as it is, and without love, you are nothing short of being handled like any other ridiculous, hard, cold person.
Those actions alone, are what will always leave you… Alone.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2012
What am I listening to? Self Control by Laura Branigan