No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis

Hotel California

How foreign you are to me yet so captivating from such a distance.

I could never step into a hardened bubble afraid you would shatter me.

My reality is landing on Deaf ears, as my mind runs as fast as possible.

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You’ve really made the grade.

Billie-Jean