The bruises that hurt, the ship that broke
They towed the line, but choked the sail.
A stairway leading down, to the all burning hot flames of the fires exploding from the doors of hell. Hidden creatures in the smoke, so thick. Your visions are void. Senses dull. Left alone you once again out flown by a dove!
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 11/25/2016 6:57pM
As I lay at the bottom of this tiny squared shower, the hot water running down my shoulders and around my tummy, my knees curled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I sob softly afraid of anyone in the house hearing me. I look down at the drain and see hundreds of strands of black hair circling around and slowly clogging it up. Its been awhile now that my hair has been falling out, I have been able to secure a way to hide it by wearing hats and pulling it up into a bun. The front though, its kinda hard to miss the balding that is happening there. But if you don’t know to look, you don’t see it.
My life has been pretty good now that I look back at everything I have been through. It’s really taught me some hard tough lessons and those have gotten me out of a lot of situations in my past and in my present. So even though I cried myself to sleep often as a child and as an adult, it was nothing compared to the pain I will see on my children’s face as I lay in the hospital and explain to them that I will not be around for their high school graduation, their college graduation, their wedding, or even get the opportunity to meet my hopefully many grandchildren they have. This is my third go around with cancer and I know I should have removed everything, and just have been done with it altogether. How though? When I knew I wanted another child. I waited too long and its too hard at this stage to pass it off as symptoms of a disorder. Yet still no one has noticed. I have managed to keep it in part to myself. I have seen too many tears in my lifetime, to see more over me would be too sad for me to handle.
The pains that lay inside my womb, and outside my abdomen, scratch its way into my chest and lungs. Coughing is so hard, my head feels as its going to explode. I wish it would. I would rather be dead than have my children and family see me suffer as I wait this out. Life is hard and I have always been confused by others actions, or responses to me. I have had a pretty good support system though, and I have a great family. I was able to get my joy by playing every sport in high school, going to college to learn new things, and have children which I never thought would have been possible. I have had the pleasure of storytelling my life through pictures, poems, and writing. One day when people look back and see my name, they will smile. They will be filled with tears of happiness knowing that I have found God, and peace, and I was finally ready to go. I will rejoice in the heavens and sing my favorite church hymns and hear the angels joyful songs while dancing with my loved ones the ones that I will be joined with- the former family and friends that have long passed before me, as we share our stories and learn where we came from and where and how it all started. How awesome will that be to get all my answers that I have asked my whole life? I will sit on Jesus lap and smell his hair and feel his soft restored skin, look at him and feel an undying love, something that I never truly got on earth except through my children’s eyes. They are precious? Yes, they love you unconditionally. Which makes it all the more hard to bring it up and tell them what is going on.
My heart breaks while I look over to my side and see former patients who’s last day was today, knowing they will have the rest of their life to live without this cruel pain and evil disease. Yet, I am happy for them for they got lucky and they need more time to serve out their purpose here on earth.
I guess mine was already served, and I won’t find out what it was until I get to where I am going. Knowing though, that somewhere, somehow I managed to change or alter someones life for the better or set them on the path to get them where they needed to go makes me happy. In life we all have choices, some come back to bite us in the butt. Sometimes they come back and show us why we were put here to begin with. Life is one huge lesson, with mini battles you have to fight for one ultimate purpose. Enjoy yours to the fullest because you never know when it will be your time to go.
If I could give one piece of advice, for you to take and really learn from. I would have to say love those that are around you, through fights and make ups and break ups and don’t judge them or their actions because you truly never know what they are battling or going through inside. They were brought in your life for a reason, don’t question it just learn from it.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,
I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,
my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.
Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,
for yet they have been blind in life so far.
How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,
I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.
I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.
I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.
Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?
How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.
Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?
Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?
I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.
Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?
Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?
Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?
Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?
I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,
I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.
I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.
My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.
I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,
as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.
The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.
The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016
I can’t take my eyes of you….
I can’t take my arms off of you….
I can’t take my my feet and walk away from you….
I can’t forget about you, it’s not like it should be….
This is going do be a different kind of blog. It takes more than just reading a few or few thousand lines. It requires your participation. And you will have to develop an opinion on what I am trying to say here by reading this. And then listening to this song below. It’s ok if you choose to listen to it a couple times. It’s truly moving me. Do you feel me, do you really know me? To listen to the video just click the white triangle in the middle right below.
Tasha Hollingshead-Geller ©copyright 2016
Don’t judge me, or judge me. I am not scared to talk about this issue. I will let those tell me that once I go this direction and let this be known that I will lose a large fan base. I ask you all to remember that my writing defines my character. And my character defines my writing. I will not hide that I love God, I will not change my writing, I will not push anything on you. I just want to write about everything that is happening to me not just what my editor and publisher want. So enjoy.
One day I looked up in the bright blue sky the sun was shining so brightly I could barely see this strange angelic form of a shadow leaning toward me and grabbing my hand and pulling me up. As she brought me around so I could see her wonderful smile beaming down on me. My body felt warm and safe which was not something I ever felt growing up. Or at least not as often as I feel like I should have. She spoke to me softly but I heard her louder than I heard most as I grew up Deaf. I stumbled as she pulled to the other side of the street. She took me into a room in the building that sat on her side of the road. Left me with all these other children and another adult. Then later she came back and got me and took to the big building where there were all these adults and some children. I sat beside her and her husband, who had a smile just as sweet as this lady. I couldn’t understand why everything was so loud and I felt such a strong emotion being there, this strange place. I had no idea that as a child that was the first time I felt the holy ghost. I grew up in that church. I had Sunday school teachers, and youth directors and went to church camp every summer. There were a lot of things that I was taught there that stood against who I felt I was. It tore inside of me and left me confused and alone. Why should I have to give up my faith? Why can’t I be loved again like I was when I was just a child. Do I not matter? Is it because I am the unknown to you, do I intimidate people? Why am I having such a hard time finding my home church? Is this some sort of test?
Churches these days focus so much on what they can do to get capital grants, media attention, or achieve a standing in the community. Too many, go about it the wrong way. We need to take the churches back to then basics. Sunday church teaching our children, not keeping them entertained. Nursery care for our young mothers that need to get their soul fed as well. The younger they start off at a church the longer they will stay. It’s about family, and sometimes its hard to teach adults that. When its time for meet and greet, the members of the church should be aware of everyone there and go welcome the new comers. Talk to them and thank them. The pastor needs to meet all those that are new to show involvement with everyone not just the members. My pastor walked around the whole church from time to time during his sermon. Youth night should offer one on one mentorship with someone from the church. Counseling, and leadership out to the businesses use a fundraiser to reach out to the community. Get all the young children involved in any way that you can because they are our future. This day is dark and the ages are closing to the end. The world is slowly destroying itself hate consumes every energy and every corner to pray on ALL our weaknesses. If we do not have faith that what we believe is solid, we drift away one by one.
I am a child of faith, yet I pray every day and I live my life as best as I can. I am broken yes I am. I am lost, but I think I might have found a way to fulfill my purpose, and it doesn’t look like it will be through a church. What is the whole purpose you might ask about my story? It’s this, I know there are many of my readers that are in the same situation as I. It’s ok I am learning, that having a home church does not determine my faith and my relationship with God. With the right guidance I know that all my questions and pain will heal and be known with time. Don’t give up so easily, your relationship is not with people, God and you. It’s between you and God. At the end of the day, thats all that should matter.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
Check out this amazing voice of the lil Rhema Marvanne and check out her Facebook and add her to your list in iTunes. She has a lot of great Christian music!