Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Chains

I guess I’m not allowed to have bad days, because being cheerful and bubbly all the time is how I’m suppose to be. I’m not allowed to have bad days.
I guess being tired is not something I’m allowed to be either. I’m 36. I’m young, vibrant, and healthy. I have my whole life to go out there to live. Who has time to rest? Being tired is not something I’m allowed to be.
I guess I’m not allowed to complain either. I should just be prim and proper and keep my mouth closed. Because saying how I feel just isn’t as important to you as your own feelings. I’m not allowed to complain.
I guess I’m not allowed to love. I am to be an independent, self reliant individual. Yet, stay in my lane at all times. Allowing you and only you to give yourself away emotionally to someone else. I’m not even allowed to love.
I guess I’m not allowed to dream. I’m suppose to be inspired, motivated, driven, and successful. Yet, setting goals and achieving them is impossible when they keep getting shot down by your constant need to be in control. I’m not allowed to dream.
I guess I’m not allowed to say goodbye. I’m suppose to be supportive, attentive, and reliable financially and emotionally no matter how bad it gets. Because I am such horrible person that no one would ever be able to love me like you do.  I’m not allowed to say goodbye.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 4/8/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Broken Truths

The bruises that hurt, the ship that broke
They towed the line, but choked the sail.
A stairway leading down, to the all burning hot flames of the fires exploding from the doors of hell. Hidden creatures in the smoke, so thick. Your visions are void. Senses dull. Left alone you once again out flown by a dove!

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 11/25/2016 6:57pM

The cancer patient

As I lay at the bottom of this tiny squared shower, the hot water running down my shoulders and around my tummy, my knees curled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I sob softly afraid of anyone in the house hearing me. I look down at the drain and see hundreds of strands of black hair circling around and slowly clogging it up. Its been awhile now that my hair has been falling out, I have been able to secure a way to hide it by wearing hats and pulling it up into a bun. The front though, its kinda hard to miss the balding that is happening there. But if you don’t know to look, you don’t see it.

My life has been pretty good now that I look back at everything I have been through. It’s really taught me some hard tough lessons and those have gotten me out of a lot of situations in my past and in my present. So even though I cried myself to sleep often as a child and as an adult, it was nothing compared to the pain I will see on my children’s face as I lay in the hospital and explain to them that I will not be around for their high school graduation, their college graduation, their wedding, or even get the opportunity to meet my hopefully many grandchildren they have.  This is my third go around with cancer and I know I should have removed everything, and just have been done with it altogether. How though? When I knew I wanted another child. I waited too long and its too hard at this stage to pass it off as symptoms of a disorder. Yet still no one has noticed. I have managed to keep it in part to myself. I have seen too many tears in my lifetime, to see more over me would be too sad for me to handle.

The pains that lay inside my womb, and outside my abdomen, scratch its way into my chest and lungs. Coughing is so hard, my head feels as its going to explode. I wish it would. I would rather be dead than have my children and family see me suffer as I wait this out. Life is hard and I have always been confused by others actions, or responses to me. I have had a pretty good support system though, and I have a great family. I was able to get my joy by playing every sport in high school, going to college to learn new things, and have children which I never thought would have been possible. I have had the pleasure of storytelling my life through pictures, poems, and writing. One day when people look back and see my name, they will smile. They will be filled with tears of happiness knowing that I have found God, and peace, and I was finally ready to go. I will rejoice in the heavens and sing my favorite church hymns and hear the angels joyful songs while dancing with my loved ones the ones that I will be joined with- the former family and friends that have long passed before me, as we share our stories and learn where we came from and where and how it all started. How awesome will that be to get all my answers that I have asked my whole life? I will sit on Jesus lap and smell his hair and feel his soft restored skin, look at him and feel an undying love, something that I never truly got on earth except through my children’s eyes. They are precious? Yes, they love you unconditionally. Which makes it all the more hard to bring it up and tell them what is going on.

My heart breaks while I look over to my side and see former patients who’s last day was today, knowing they will have the rest of their life to live without this cruel pain and evil disease. Yet, I am happy for them for they got lucky and they need more time to serve out their purpose here on earth.

I guess mine was already served, and I won’t find out what it was until I get to where I am going. Knowing though, that somewhere, somehow I managed to change or alter someones life for the better or set them on the path to get them where they needed to go makes me happy. In life we all have choices, some come back to bite us in the butt. Sometimes they come back and show us why we were put here to begin with. Life is one huge lesson, with mini battles you have to fight for one ultimate purpose. Enjoy yours to the fullest because you never know when it will be your time to go.

If I could give one piece of advice, for you to take and really learn from. I would have to say love those that are around you, through fights and make ups and break ups and don’t judge them or their actions because you truly never know what they are battling or going through inside. They were brought in your life for a reason, don’t question it just learn from it.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

Last moments 10-29-2016

So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,

I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,

my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.

Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,

for yet they have been blind in life so far.

How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,

I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.

I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.

I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.

Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?

How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.

Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?

Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?

I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.

Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?

Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?

Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?

Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?

I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,

I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.

I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.

My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.

I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,

as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.

The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.

The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016

Do you think you know me, lets see?

I can’t take my eyes of you….

I can’t take my arms off of you….

I can’t take my my feet and walk away from you….

I can’t forget about you, it’s not like it should be….

 

 

This is going do be a different kind of blog. It takes more than just reading a few or few thousand lines. It requires your participation. And you will have to develop an opinion on what I am trying to say here by reading this. And then listening to this song below. It’s ok if you choose to listen to it a couple times. It’s truly moving me. Do you feel me, do you really know me? To listen to the video just click the white triangle in the middle right below.

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-8-05-28-pm

Tasha Hollingshead-Geller ©copyright 2016