Italian Brunch

Getting ready this afternoon, I am rushing a bit. My mind is racing all over the place trying to get everything organized for my little party today. My three close, very different ginger friends are coming over for an Italian brunch. I bought all kinds of drinks, non alcoholic, since I am almost a year sober from that poison. A&W Root Beer, IBC Cream Soda, Pure Leaf Lemon Tea,  and Pure Leaf Green Tea, Starbucks DoubleShot Espresso shots, Crush Orange Soda, Snapple Peach Ice Tea, and of course Tropical punch BodyArmor SuperDrink. Ok, so I may have gotten a little carried away with the drinks, but can you blame me? I am cooking the sausage for this dish, getting my Italian salad ready, Sharyl is making the cold Italian pasta salad. I am also making stuffed mushrooms with yummy crab meat and cream cheese, fresh garlic bread. Yes, today will be fun. It will be a good thing for me, to be surrounded by a few of my friends. It will definitely take my mind off of things. I am lucky that I have such an array of friends that I can call on to come and help me get through my darkest, and even best times. I might film a bit of it to put on my Instagram or twitter. That should be hilarious. I am just aching to show off my super hella cool new dance moves. Plus did I mention that my friends are gorgeous women, should I teach them my new moves? Haha.

I am not saying cooking is all fun and games but for today it was. I think the hardest part was driving back and forth to town trying to collect everything I needed. Even with a list I managed to forget a couple things. Being manic can sometimes be a bad thing, but my house is spotless. So why even complain at all? I couldn’t help but think that the mailbox I saw that was knocked off on the side of the tiny road we live on was done by Sharyl. She drives so close to them, it literally gives me chills riding with her. I swear she has nearly taken out a few with me sitting by her in her gigantic truck. Scary.

I am currently in the process of getting together a playlist for us to listen to while we play the board games after brunch, and writing here on my blog. Why does iTunes know that I love my 80’s music and keep recommending more songs that fit that era than not? It think it’s a great possibility that I will just stick with Pandora today?

So I have not been neglecting my website, I have been writing some new things that I will post within the next few weeks. Here is something to tide you over until then. I wrote it back in 2005 and it is has been published twice. In two different magazines, I am one proud writer. Still though, it has brought more meaning to my life now, than it ever did back in 2005. Enjoy.

Mix of the Minds-

Silence speaks through unnoticed stares,

As to read your thoughts is like a dare.

Wanting to unlock what you hide inside,

When all you want is your secret to die.

When I see thoughts, I see them so clear,

And not always of the one you love so dear.

Day in, day out wondering creeps through,

Of a younger to spark your life anew.

Not only in mind, but your heart desires,

Of how far you’ll go, how much it requires.

Never the first step will you ever take?

Afraid to make a horrible mistake.

To take a risk you would rather die,

But do you want this position to try?

For who knows, you might have fun,

When it’s all over with, said, and done.

When you think it back through and through,

Maybe I wanted the same of you.

© Tasha Geller October 27th, 2005

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, January 15th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Empty Castles

If there ever can be a right time, it is now. I am reading back on some of my writings and it seems every 4-5 years I go through this phase where I weed through my friends, I go through them thoroughly and determine if they are good for me. Yes, this is going to sound so selfish, and maybe it is but when it comes to who gets to be in our lives we should only choose those who are good for us and who we are good for. People who can teach us, and we can teach as well. There has to be patience. I think most of you will agree with me on that. Life is too short for games. Life is too short for not having loyalty and precision. Life is too short not to have love or to test the limits of love. Love is endless. Right? Usually a situation happens and it forces me to do this. Sometimes, it’s just time. But I wrote this poem called Empty Castles in 2012 and it was for an ex that kept me at bay at first but learned that I could love them as much as they loved me. I was given a chance and we had something different, but very beautiful. Very short lived. But our love was so incredible even though we had issues over our different standards and expectations. This person died in an accident shortly (an hour to be exact) after we had a fight and I have never gotten over it. This old lover of mine used to tell me the most favorite thing they loved about me was my loyalty and my desire for loyalty. Always saying anyone loyal to me would always have a control over me. I was told I had to learn boundaries. To be careful and of course I didn’t agree, even though this person was older than I. A psych major and very experienced. Were they right? Yes, I was wrong and I didn’t want to see it. I was so young, how could I see it? It was not familiar to me. It’s sad to me that I had to lose someone in order to learn a lesson that could have been learned had I been more open to learning. I try to be more open now to people and their feelings and opinions. I am always- let’s not let it get that far and lose those we love just because we can’t see where they are coming from or agree with how they are behaving. There has to be room for mistakes. Trial and error. Otherwise how else will we learn to appreciate people, friendships, relationships and things. One might think you don’t need boundaries, but for a bipolar person… boundaries are critical. Especially emotional boundaries. I am sensitive. You must not take advantage of me or break the rules. I have always been the one to break rules and/or bend them when I was younger or let others break the rules but I have firmly learned that rules are there for a reason. Usually, for very good reasons. If I catch you doing this to me, make no mistake that I will cut you out of my life. I am loyal, but I will walk away from someone who is not good for me. For example, Someone that is not trying to teach me something but only use me for their own satisfaction. There will be no exception to the rules with me. I will not be that person. I will not be foolish. I will not love anyone who does not love me in return. I will not love anyone who does not understand me. I will not love anyone who does not have patience. If you are living with a bipolar individual you might want to take notes. We respond to love, loyalty, and learning opportunities not; hate, uncertainty, and manipulation.

 

Empty Castles

The day comes to a close with the rain pattering on the hard shell of this outside castle I have built around my heart.

I let you in, yes I let you in.

I gave you all my trust, I let you rule my world, control my urges, pin point my every move.

I hung on your every word, I trusted you with my life and let you mold your grasp around my throat.

I wouldn’t breathe if you said not to.

Staring back now at this long staircase that led me no where fast, I look upon everything as a meaninful thing.

Instead of letting it get me down and regretting ever letting someone own so much of me, I see it all as…

It was meant to happen, it’s meant to be. There will be no us, there will only be what you had, and what you will never have again.

And should I, when you reach for me, with tears in your eyes- throat tightening reaching for your voice, should I, even once turn around and hear your words.

I’m sorry, I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I haven’t, I won’t, I promise—- all are particles of a trail that no longer holds any value for me.

Will you understand at all? No… you won’t because you’re arrogant and thinking you got it down, that you are always right, and nothing could ever be your fault.

No, you, the one that won’t understand at all.

Until one late midnight when you are alone in your empty castle, and there in that flat cold bed, the only groove is that of your own body weight.

You are difficult as it is, and without love, you are nothing short of being handled like any other ridiculous, hard, cold person.

Those actions alone, are what will always leave you… Alone.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2012

 

What am I listening to? Self Control by Laura Branigan

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The Elements

My soul is a free spirit, it drifts among the natural beauties of the world. Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water. It blends in to the core of respect for Mother Nature. She balances me, she cradles me. She shows me no diversity. I swim to her in my dreams and play with her holy water, submerging myself in her world. Drenching my spirit within her bounds of solitution. I run with her like the flames of the fire, melting away my burdens. I bury my body into the earth playing with the dust; as one day I will become whole and ground myself to her will. I play with her strong winds, floating through the universe spreading my energy around and sharing the positivity with all beings and life. For I am not solid, but one with her. My respect runs deep. I hold her sacred to my heart forever connected as one.
 Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2014

Last moments 10-29-2016

So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,

I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,

my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.

Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,

for yet they have been blind in life so far.

How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,

I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.

I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.

I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.

Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?

How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.

Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?

Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?

I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.

Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?

Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?

Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?

Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?

I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,

I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.

I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.

My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.

I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,

as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.

The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.

The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016

Do you think you know me, lets see?

I can’t take my eyes of you….

I can’t take my arms off of you….

I can’t take my my feet and walk away from you….

I can’t forget about you, it’s not like it should be….

 

 

This is going do be a different kind of blog. It takes more than just reading a few or few thousand lines. It requires your participation. And you will have to develop an opinion on what I am trying to say here by reading this. And then listening to this song below. It’s ok if you choose to listen to it a couple times. It’s truly moving me. Do you feel me, do you really know me? To listen to the video just click the white triangle in the middle right below.

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Tasha Hollingshead-Geller ©copyright 2016