The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis

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Last moments 10-29-2016

So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,

I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,

my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.

Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,

for yet they have been blind in life so far.

How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,

I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.

I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.

I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.

Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?

How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.

Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?

Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?

I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.

Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?

Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?

Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?

Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?

I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,

I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.

I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.

My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.

I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,

as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.

The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.

The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016