No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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You made me a believer

Sandy beaches, rock climbing, mountain hiking, picnics in the park. I’ll even settle for some ice skating. (Wink) Swimming on floaties at the lake, curled up in our blanket at night around the crisp burning fire staring up at the midnight blue sky.

But I won’t sit here in this dimly lit and freshly painted white room. While you pick all the questions to this conversation and then pick apart my answers and analyze them. In a lot of ways it was really just a one sided relationship with you. I’ve always been the type of person that shows you what I think you want to see. Always keeping my dark and hidden secrets to myself. I do have to admit that I showed you more sides than I have shown others: but you did not see all of me. It wasn’t even until I realized my movements and actions were being observed instead of appreciated that I started to back away. You took me for granted and took advantage of my kindness: This loss of trust that occurred and how you cared so little to restore.

Dinner for two in a little corner of my favorite Italian restaurant. Candles blowing their scented smoke in our smiling faces. Holding hands. Music softly playing its notes throughout the air mesmerizing everyone into a love spell. Dancing on the floor in perfect synchronization with your body, I slowly start to melt into you. Gazing in your big brown sparkling eyes. I watch your dark hair fall away from your face and brush the tip of my nose. So close your lips were next to mine.

But then you violated the space I held in the name of respect and accountability. You were a huge f***ing disappointment on so many levels. I don’t even know why I kept coming back. My visions blurred so easily with the harsh and ill spoken words, those words cut so deep it bled out murder. It was such a violent experience within my soul that I had to crumble to the ground with any kind of submissiveness, then rise again from my ashes. Learning ways to always protect my heart. Shield how words affect me. Take back control of my thoughts and realign my aura. My survival skills have set in. My goals are in place.

All I really needed was a little less conversation and a little bit more touch my body. Slip your hands around my waist and pull me in closely. Tightness in my chest, hands shaking, and the floor is moving. The sweat is building up in my palms. My mouth is watering. Straight up animal attraction. It’s all I ever wanted.

I don’t mind saying everything that’s been inside my head. I don’t care if it sounds inconsiderate. I don’t care about it being irate or an ill misconception at its best. I no longer have to lick the sensitive sticker and slap it on anyone’s hand to get them to understand. But specifically for you, understand this: you will never know me. Not all of me. The old me that I left back there in the past with you. You can keep her and your idea of who you thought she was.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Imagine dragons- Believer

Leaving It All Behind

This is more of an observation and realization blog. A moment I can take just for myself. Something that’s all mine. You see I like my individuality and uniqueness. I don’t think it’s a great idea for anybody to be trapped in those heavy bulky boxes. You know those kinds of boxes right? The kind that people put you in, tape you all up, and slap a label top. I do not like labels. Labels are inappropriate to introduce into what should be a trusting relationship.

I’ve been meditating for a few weeks now. Something I ask the universe for every time is to get rid of anything negative or things that are holding me back from reaching my potential. Little did I know I would be watching those close to my heart start dropping like flies. Friends that I kept very close to my heart, and some acquaintances disguised as friendships. Normally, I’d be really upset about this and think that I’ve done something wrong. I would try to fix it. I no longer will allow myself to feel like I have to save every relationship. If the relationship falls apart, chances are it’s all part of the big unknown plan fate has in store for us. Whatever the case may be, I know that it’s bigger than me and that I am going to be ok eventually. I’m not going to try and understand it anymore. I don’t have to question everything anymore. I am good with just learning how to let go. I am letting go of any of that control that I tried so hard to hang on to for so long. I’m letting go of anyone and everything thats not meant for me. I will show gratitude about this and in every situation that comes about or is leaving my life will be accepted. I give thanks to all the lessons that were learned and all the knowledge that I’ve gained. I give thanks to the love that I once felt and the love I shared with those that meant something special to me at some point in our friendships. Memories will not be muddy, or labeled. They will just be… memories.

 

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video: Sam Smith- Too Good At Goodbyes

Empty Castles

If there ever can be a right time, it is now. I am reading back on some of my writings and it seems every 4-5 years I go through this phase where I weed through my friends, I go through them thoroughly and determine if they are good for me. Yes, this is going to sound so selfish, and maybe it is but when it comes to who gets to be in our lives we should only choose those who are good for us and who we are good for. People who can teach us, and we can teach as well. There has to be patience. I think most of you will agree with me on that. Life is too short for games. Life is too short for not having loyalty and precision. Life is too short not to have love or to test the limits of love. Love is endless. Right? Usually a situation happens and it forces me to do this. Sometimes, it’s just time. But I wrote this poem called Empty Castles in 2012 and it was for an ex that kept me at bay at first but learned that I could love them as much as they loved me. I was given a chance and we had something different, but very beautiful. Very short lived. But our love was so incredible even though we had issues over our different standards and expectations. This person died in an accident shortly (an hour to be exact) after we had a fight and I have never gotten over it. This old lover of mine used to tell me the most favorite thing they loved about me was my loyalty and my desire for loyalty. Always saying anyone loyal to me would always have a control over me. I was told I had to learn boundaries. To be careful and of course I didn’t agree, even though this person was older than I. A psych major and very experienced. Were they right? Yes, I was wrong and I didn’t want to see it. I was so young, how could I see it? It was not familiar to me. It’s sad to me that I had to lose someone in order to learn a lesson that could have been learned had I been more open to learning. I try to be more open now to people and their feelings and opinions. I am always- let’s not let it get that far and lose those we love just because we can’t see where they are coming from or agree with how they are behaving. There has to be room for mistakes. Trial and error. Otherwise how else will we learn to appreciate people, friendships, relationships and things. One might think you don’t need boundaries, but for a bipolar person… boundaries are critical. Especially emotional boundaries. I am sensitive. You must not take advantage of me or break the rules. I have always been the one to break rules and/or bend them when I was younger or let others break the rules but I have firmly learned that rules are there for a reason. Usually, for very good reasons. If I catch you doing this to me, make no mistake that I will cut you out of my life. I am loyal, but I will walk away from someone who is not good for me. For example, Someone that is not trying to teach me something but only use me for their own satisfaction. There will be no exception to the rules with me. I will not be that person. I will not be foolish. I will not love anyone who does not love me in return. I will not love anyone who does not understand me. I will not love anyone who does not have patience. If you are living with a bipolar individual you might want to take notes. We respond to love, loyalty, and learning opportunities not; hate, uncertainty, and manipulation.

 

Empty Castles

The day comes to a close with the rain pattering on the hard shell of this outside castle I have built around my heart.

I let you in, yes I let you in.

I gave you all my trust, I let you rule my world, control my urges, pin point my every move.

I hung on your every word, I trusted you with my life and let you mold your grasp around my throat.

I wouldn’t breathe if you said not to.

Staring back now at this long staircase that led me no where fast, I look upon everything as a meaninful thing.

Instead of letting it get me down and regretting ever letting someone own so much of me, I see it all as…

It was meant to happen, it’s meant to be. There will be no us, there will only be what you had, and what you will never have again.

And should I, when you reach for me, with tears in your eyes- throat tightening reaching for your voice, should I, even once turn around and hear your words.

I’m sorry, I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I haven’t, I won’t, I promise—- all are particles of a trail that no longer holds any value for me.

Will you understand at all? No… you won’t because you’re arrogant and thinking you got it down, that you are always right, and nothing could ever be your fault.

No, you, the one that won’t understand at all.

Until one late midnight when you are alone in your empty castle, and there in that flat cold bed, the only groove is that of your own body weight.

You are difficult as it is, and without love, you are nothing short of being handled like any other ridiculous, hard, cold person.

Those actions alone, are what will always leave you… Alone.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2012

 

What am I listening to? Self Control by Laura Branigan

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