Secret Prayer

I am laying here tonight, my body drenched in fear. I push my judging thoughts aside, my eyes fill with tears.

For tomorrow, I pay a visit, to my brothers grave. Why did God take his life, how come he couldn’t stay?

I hear my cursing words come out, I feel my anger rise. I do not understand why people drink and drive.

I am going the cemetery where part of his ashes lay. I am going there to tell him Karen had his boy today.

As I tell him these things, I will break down into tears. I will say the things I should have said while he was here.

I will tell him that I love him, and thank him for loving me. I will tell him in my heart is where he’ll always be.

Then I will say God, please help me to love and forgive that man who killed my brother the night he should have lived.

And please put a burden on his heart, to never again drink and drive. To make him think of all of us, that didn’t get to say good-bye.

And help him be a stronger man, get his life right. Help him understand that your most precious gift is life.

And just before I fell asleep, I heard someone say, no need to worry, I am always with you. It will be ok.

When I awoke the next morning, I awoke with a smile. Thinking things over, was worth my worth while.

That hatred I had in my heart, no longer lingered there, I take it as if the lord had answered my secret prayer.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 9th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011

 

Hotel California

How foreign you are to me yet so captivating from such a distance.

I could never step into a hardened bubble afraid you would shatter me.

My reality is landing on Deaf ears, as my mind runs as fast as possible.

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You’ve really made the grade.

Billie-Jean

 

The cancer patient

As I lay at the bottom of this tiny squared shower, the hot water running down my shoulders and around my tummy, my knees curled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I sob softly afraid of anyone in the house hearing me. I look down at the drain and see hundreds of strands of black hair circling around and slowly clogging it up. Its been awhile now that my hair has been falling out, I have been able to secure a way to hide it by wearing hats and pulling it up into a bun. The front though, its kinda hard to miss the balding that is happening there. But if you don’t know to look, you don’t see it.

My life has been pretty good now that I look back at everything I have been through. It’s really taught me some hard tough lessons and those have gotten me out of a lot of situations in my past and in my present. So even though I cried myself to sleep often as a child and as an adult, it was nothing compared to the pain I will see on my children’s face as I lay in the hospital and explain to them that I will not be around for their high school graduation, their college graduation, their wedding, or even get the opportunity to meet my hopefully many grandchildren they have.  This is my third go around with cancer and I know I should have removed everything, and just have been done with it altogether. How though? When I knew I wanted another child. I waited too long and its too hard at this stage to pass it off as symptoms of a disorder. Yet still no one has noticed. I have managed to keep it in part to myself. I have seen too many tears in my lifetime, to see more over me would be too sad for me to handle.

The pains that lay inside my womb, and outside my abdomen, scratch its way into my chest and lungs. Coughing is so hard, my head feels as its going to explode. I wish it would. I would rather be dead than have my children and family see me suffer as I wait this out. Life is hard and I have always been confused by others actions, or responses to me. I have had a pretty good support system though, and I have a great family. I was able to get my joy by playing every sport in high school, going to college to learn new things, and have children which I never thought would have been possible. I have had the pleasure of storytelling my life through pictures, poems, and writing. One day when people look back and see my name, they will smile. They will be filled with tears of happiness knowing that I have found God, and peace, and I was finally ready to go. I will rejoice in the heavens and sing my favorite church hymns and hear the angels joyful songs while dancing with my loved ones the ones that I will be joined with- the former family and friends that have long passed before me, as we share our stories and learn where we came from and where and how it all started. How awesome will that be to get all my answers that I have asked my whole life? I will sit on Jesus lap and smell his hair and feel his soft restored skin, look at him and feel an undying love, something that I never truly got on earth except through my children’s eyes. They are precious? Yes, they love you unconditionally. Which makes it all the more hard to bring it up and tell them what is going on.

My heart breaks while I look over to my side and see former patients who’s last day was today, knowing they will have the rest of their life to live without this cruel pain and evil disease. Yet, I am happy for them for they got lucky and they need more time to serve out their purpose here on earth.

I guess mine was already served, and I won’t find out what it was until I get to where I am going. Knowing though, that somewhere, somehow I managed to change or alter someones life for the better or set them on the path to get them where they needed to go makes me happy. In life we all have choices, some come back to bite us in the butt. Sometimes they come back and show us why we were put here to begin with. Life is one huge lesson, with mini battles you have to fight for one ultimate purpose. Enjoy yours to the fullest because you never know when it will be your time to go.

If I could give one piece of advice, for you to take and really learn from. I would have to say love those that are around you, through fights and make ups and break ups and don’t judge them or their actions because you truly never know what they are battling or going through inside. They were brought in your life for a reason, don’t question it just learn from it.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016

Last moments 10-29-2016

So there it is out there for everyone to see in the sky,

I stand there in gravel so sharp, pulling my sweater over my head,

my feet are leaking drops of blood as I walk down the path ahead.

Is this the only moment that will capture my eyes,

for yet they have been blind in life so far.

How faint, and far away you feel, the rain falls gently,

I rake my fingers through the only strands of hair on my almost bald head.

I see you standing there, I could smell you, I forgot everything around me even my kids.

I can see how there would be no mourning there, I hope I don’t forget them ever.

Was my life a whole mess, or was I just caught up in the mess my whole life?

How powerful that question breathes out of me into the mist that floats about with denial.

Will you hold my hand this last time, will I awake my final waking up next to you?

Will there be music, that moves me as profound as it does a passionate musician?

I want to hear those fiddles, hey hey hey -Devil Went down to Georgia.

Will there be light and colors as vivid for a person who can see for the first time?

Will there be all different kinds of foods only fit for a King and all his Knights ?

Will there be any time I shall I ever feel any pain or suffering after this?

Can you guaranteed to me a warranty that would outlast your lifetime?

I find myself laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling fan and getting dizzy,

I raise my arms into the air, blow out a breath of air and hum my favorite tune.

I sweat mostly at night, the pain sits in, sending me into a spiral.

My life will have to adjust, this trash can next to me is not for looks.

I glance over at my white wooden framed ole time windows to my left,

as they are raised to the top the curtains blow around beautifully and dance for me.

The breeze skates across the room, I feel at ease and inside my heart, the peace.

The room dims out with a bright life fading, awakening and tranquility.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright October 29, 2016

Do you think you know me, lets see?

I can’t take my eyes of you….

I can’t take my arms off of you….

I can’t take my my feet and walk away from you….

I can’t forget about you, it’s not like it should be….

 

 

This is going do be a different kind of blog. It takes more than just reading a few or few thousand lines. It requires your participation. And you will have to develop an opinion on what I am trying to say here by reading this. And then listening to this song below. It’s ok if you choose to listen to it a couple times. It’s truly moving me. Do you feel me, do you really know me? To listen to the video just click the white triangle in the middle right below.

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-8-05-28-pm

Tasha Hollingshead-Geller ©copyright 2016