The Realization That Set Her Free

She kept it in for so long trying to hang on to what she thought they could have had. They had nothing though, realistically. After it was all said and done he ended up walking out of her life anyways. All those feelings and the time she put in was a waste of effort and energy. She bit her tongue when all she wanted to do was tell him how he slowly tortured her by making her feel things down there. She wanted something from him. Just wasn’t sure what that was at the time. With time on her side this time, her eyes have been opened. Was it intentional on his part? Maybe not. Maybe so. If she had to guess she thinks he knew exactly what he was doing. For what? For a boost in his ego? If he didn’t, then how stupid was he not to notice that she was feeling the sexual vibes he was generating and sucking them into her skin. That’s neither here nor there. Did he just really walk away and throw away everything that reminded him of her? Did he really just throw her out like a piece of trash? Oooh, the hurt that sunk in her deep.

She hopes that one day he will look back and find a memory of her haunting him. Why? Simply because he hurt her, and on some level she wanted him to feel the same kind of hurt. She however, will never see him the same anymore. All those thoughts and fantasies have moved on to someone new. There will always be someone new, because like Halsey sings “I’m bad at love.” She never promised to give him any part of her body, but he could have taken her by storm so easily. The would be heated moments filled with sweat and positions unknown to most. She knows now how she was weak minded and didn’t have it in her the strength to say no, can anyone really blame her though? Never once did he put her in the position to discover all her cards she thought she was hiding so well. She knows now what it all meant. She’s bad at love you see, maybe he was too? In hindsight she could never treat him better than any other person out there. He is just like all the others that held her heart, dropping it, letting it shatter all over the floor. Leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He no longer has anything to offer her that she doesn’t already have. It’s irrelevant now. After all she has been through, she is now wrapped up and entangled into a twist with a new lover. Set out to discover this new world that she was scared of. Why was she ever scared? It seems to come so easy to her now. Oh how she was missing out.

Yes, he missed a golden opportunity of something he never thought he wanted. Or did he want it? He sheltered his feelings from her, holding back all that he thought was precious and one of a kind. Baby, she said, “I hate to break it down like this, but I found what I was looking for elsewhere”. She found herself on her own without the help she thought she needed from him. All that pent up lust she was feeling, the smoldering mist that covered her body, causing a trembling within and the anticipation for sure has been brought to the surface for her by someone else. Someone who took the chance. Something she thought would never be possible because the hold he had on her was so strong and not from this world. She realizes after all this time, she didn’t need his kisses, his hands around her throat, his fingers between her legs, or his self proclaimed unique experiences. She realized finally that she doesn’t need anyone. She can get these feelings with just about anyone. A realization that has set her and her soul free.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video- Adele- You’ll never see me again

 

 

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Why do I

The fire burns brightly from the fireplace. I sit here on my lush couch with my knees pulled up to my face, caressing my chin. The tears fall slowly and quietly down my expressionless face. These walls though, they pay no mind to my emotions, as they play with the shadows dancing around, telling me their own story. They want me to know once again that’s it’s their moment. I don’t exist in this moment, it’s not my moment to take. They own the room. Like how you own all the walls that are built around my heart.

The memories come flooding into my mind like the hurricanes bring its massive waves, crashing into to the shores. Destroying everything in its path. The storm itself is peaceful at first, yet it leaves only destruction and chaos. Like the pain you left behind in place of our once upon a time warm embraces. It’s a bittersweet moment to be in. I am finding myself  reminiscing those times we would laugh, plot, and entertain into the nights when we knew all we had was each other. But, did we only have each other? Sitting on your lap, the wind blowing softly, I would run my fingers through your hair. Twirling my fingers through each and every strand. Knowing that touches the very soul that embodies your shell. You gave me a meaning, a reason to look forward to each day, that I could wake with you. Life was great wasn’t it? Breakfast in bed, making love under the sheets, even though we were already running late. The over powering stench of mouthwash fills the air that’s sucked into our mouths as we painted our lips together. Creating our own canvas. Hard to breathe, with our arms wrapped around and intertwined with each other. Sometimes, honestly, I still wake up and wish I could be right there next to you, wherever that may be.

My soul has been covered in blue since you went away. Waiting is not a game I play, or care to. I got so tired of fighting for you, wastefully with my time… And I know, we were destined to find our own ways without each other. But, this crack in my soul has had a hard time healing. I know deep inside though, that this will somehow end up being my biggest lesson. A beautiful flower, in this beautiful garden awaiting for me. Yet, the time it’s taking to do so is killing me slowly. It’s sucking every ounce of rebuilt energy away from me. I guess to strip me all the way down to the core, so it can grow my whole self into a better me. A better me without you.

So why do I? Why do I?

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 5th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check out the video used for the vibe of this blog.

Secret Prayer

I am laying here tonight, my body drenched in fear. I push my judging thoughts aside, my eyes fill with tears.

For tomorrow, I pay a visit, to my brothers grave. Why did God take his life, how come he couldn’t stay?

I hear my cursing words come out, I feel my anger rise. I do not understand why people drink and drive.

I am going the cemetery where part of his ashes lay. I am going there to tell him Karen had his boy today.

As I tell him these things, I will break down into tears. I will say the things I should have said while he was here.

I will tell him that I love him, and thank him for loving me. I will tell him in my heart is where he’ll always be.

Then I will say God, please help me to love and forgive that man who killed my brother the night he should have lived.

And please put a burden on his heart, to never again drink and drive. To make him think of all of us, that didn’t get to say good-bye.

And help him be a stronger man, get his life right. Help him understand that your most precious gift is life.

And just before I fell asleep, I heard someone say, no need to worry, I am always with you. It will be ok.

When I awoke the next morning, I awoke with a smile. Thinking things over, was worth my worth while.

That hatred I had in my heart, no longer lingered there, I take it as if the lord had answered my secret prayer.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 9th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011

 

Hotel California

How foreign you are to me yet so captivating from such a distance.

I could never step into a hardened bubble afraid you would shatter me.

My reality is landing on Deaf ears, as my mind runs as fast as possible.

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You’ve really made the grade.

Billie-Jean

 

The cancer patient

As I lay at the bottom of this tiny squared shower, the hot water running down my shoulders and around my tummy, my knees curled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I sob softly afraid of anyone in the house hearing me. I look down at the drain and see hundreds of strands of black hair circling around and slowly clogging it up. Its been awhile now that my hair has been falling out, I have been able to secure a way to hide it by wearing hats and pulling it up into a bun. The front though, its kinda hard to miss the balding that is happening there. But if you don’t know to look, you don’t see it.

My life has been pretty good now that I look back at everything I have been through. It’s really taught me some hard tough lessons and those have gotten me out of a lot of situations in my past and in my present. So even though I cried myself to sleep often as a child and as an adult, it was nothing compared to the pain I will see on my children’s face as I lay in the hospital and explain to them that I will not be around for their high school graduation, their college graduation, their wedding, or even get the opportunity to meet my hopefully many grandchildren they have.  This is my third go around with cancer and I know I should have removed everything, and just have been done with it altogether. How though? When I knew I wanted another child. I waited too long and its too hard at this stage to pass it off as symptoms of a disorder. Yet still no one has noticed. I have managed to keep it in part to myself. I have seen too many tears in my lifetime, to see more over me would be too sad for me to handle.

The pains that lay inside my womb, and outside my abdomen, scratch its way into my chest and lungs. Coughing is so hard, my head feels as its going to explode. I wish it would. I would rather be dead than have my children and family see me suffer as I wait this out. Life is hard and I have always been confused by others actions, or responses to me. I have had a pretty good support system though, and I have a great family. I was able to get my joy by playing every sport in high school, going to college to learn new things, and have children which I never thought would have been possible. I have had the pleasure of storytelling my life through pictures, poems, and writing. One day when people look back and see my name, they will smile. They will be filled with tears of happiness knowing that I have found God, and peace, and I was finally ready to go. I will rejoice in the heavens and sing my favorite church hymns and hear the angels joyful songs while dancing with my loved ones the ones that I will be joined with- the former family and friends that have long passed before me, as we share our stories and learn where we came from and where and how it all started. How awesome will that be to get all my answers that I have asked my whole life? I will sit on Jesus lap and smell his hair and feel his soft restored skin, look at him and feel an undying love, something that I never truly got on earth except through my children’s eyes. They are precious? Yes, they love you unconditionally. Which makes it all the more hard to bring it up and tell them what is going on.

My heart breaks while I look over to my side and see former patients who’s last day was today, knowing they will have the rest of their life to live without this cruel pain and evil disease. Yet, I am happy for them for they got lucky and they need more time to serve out their purpose here on earth.

I guess mine was already served, and I won’t find out what it was until I get to where I am going. Knowing though, that somewhere, somehow I managed to change or alter someones life for the better or set them on the path to get them where they needed to go makes me happy. In life we all have choices, some come back to bite us in the butt. Sometimes they come back and show us why we were put here to begin with. Life is one huge lesson, with mini battles you have to fight for one ultimate purpose. Enjoy yours to the fullest because you never know when it will be your time to go.

If I could give one piece of advice, for you to take and really learn from. I would have to say love those that are around you, through fights and make ups and break ups and don’t judge them or their actions because you truly never know what they are battling or going through inside. They were brought in your life for a reason, don’t question it just learn from it.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016