Quick sand

When I think back to growing up, I was at all times, silently encouraged to give up on anything before I even got started.

Manipulated really and I was held back purposely from reaching my potential out of pure jealousy and hatred.

So look at me, I’m curious sir. Tell me how your different when I’ve been here before. It’s not hard to read between the lines.

Crossed over and back, running is my weapon. I always get away. I never choose to stay, but for the first time, I was pushed away.

For you, why should I give up how far I’ve come? Jeopardize my career, put the stakes in the ground and steer to your isolated island?

You’re asking me to bury my head in the sand. Walk away from it all literally forcing my hand and show just who’s in charge… the man.

You caught me off my game, caught me off guard when I looked upon your face. With my scope in clear distance?

I never shoot and miss, but first I had to exist. I felt I had to make you notice me in such a desirable way…you lured me to stay.

When you’re not here folded in my arms, Im drowning in waters that I could never wade. A light once bright, can you feel the fade?

Did you see me coming from so many miles away? Im ready to start running, wanna come with me? Without your mastery delays.

I can’t catch my breathe, but can live a life without you by my side. You showed me a love that I wanted to feel, why turn it away from me, why lie?

How do I get you to understand all that I’m trying to say? Do you want me to beg, get down on my knees? That will never be. I’m not someone you can pay to have your way.

This path chosen for me, the final call, the decision has been chosen already. Conditioned state of mind choosing for me, why do I stall?

Tell me the risks, and that I’m not worth the fall. Insult me some more please, a bore. Catch me in your arms, was all but a painting on the wall. My heart is sore.

….I was at all times, silently encouraged to give up on anything before it started.

Tell me is this it, is this all? Give up Billie, stop with the stalls. The love you have is voided… barricaded in you put up the wall. That all which you had, is all, your last call.

-Billie

June 26th 2019

COPYRIGHT NOTICE © TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD, WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE, JUNE 26, 2019. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS SITE’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS AND LINKS MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD AND WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

Alexa’s Pawn, a King in Disguise

I’ve been here a merely 30 something years and I’ve come to find that life is like a game of chess. Sometimes your best thought out move is the only thing you have on any given day… to look forward to. Why else would you choose to waste your time doing something so unimportant?

It’s funny how people perceive things as being their idea while you’re just sitting in the back unnoticed not taking credit but with a huge smile on your face as you watch it unfold in front of you so perfectly. Kind of like a whore who’s sweating in the back of the church …watched ever so carefully but at the same time so completely unnoticed. People only show others what they want them to see, rarely do you ever see another’s true self. Why would I be any different? Or am I?

It’s sad that we continue to look away or ignore those things we know deep down aren’t good for us. Pretending for a bit, as they do in fairy tales; to just to tell ourselves we’re special, or unique and we deserve something better than what we’re actually given or what we’ve got right there in front of us. All I know is this, and “this” is simply being that people underestimate me far too often. Which has always been my biggest weapon or attribute, not my biggest weakness. Very few will truly understand what I’m saying, unless they’ve walked the walk I’ve walked or led the life I’ve led. Which, I mean honestly who can say they have? How well do you actually know me or what kind of life I’ve actually had? Were you there? For how long? Exactly.

What life is it you have thought about me having lived where you can justify these labels you’ve slapped on me and judgements you’ve added to my story in your verbal attempts to validate your own formed opinions with the information I have given you? If you’re so knowledgable do tell me this then. Where might I ask did you get your information from, who is your source? I was told while growing up, in fact til this day I’m told frequently, reminded by a certain person that “if you listen to someone long enough they will tell you everything you need to know about them.”

It’s interesting to come to such a simple conclusion after writing all this; especially after having made such bold statements like what I’ve written above with these carefully selected choice of words. So vulnerable, yet so brave and so completely forward, yet so evasive. But do you sit over there thinking to yourself “I see right through her”?

If so, then there’s only one thing left to say. My conclusion concludes with such joy in my soul as I say aloud in a soft whisper…Checkmate.

Billie-Jean Monet

5:20 AM Sunday, June 16. 2019

COPYRIGHT NOTICE © TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD, WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE, 2019. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS SITE’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS AND LINKS MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO TASHA GELLER-HOLLINGSHEAD AND WWW.BILLIEJEAN.LIVE WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

Hello old past

Dear… person,

I thought of you today. Something that I don’t allow myself to do often. I took the time to relish my shivers, satisfy my taste buds off and on all day today…settling back on those most profound memories. Circling in my office chair with my hands under my chin. My legs crossed and cozy socks warming my toes. The dynamics, the shifts, the old worn out confidence and how it’s all changed instantly swamped my thoughts… but the reality is I can’t say we ever had anything perfect. I can’t say we ever made commitments or promises, nor set expectations. At least not in the beginning. But I love you, was tossed around. Not lightly, not repetitively, only…just enough. I’ve learned excruciating facts today that crept into the light. So I guess it wasn’t a bad thing. A light bulb going off momentarily. In my mind entered this quote. I always hated it, never felt I understood it.

“If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”

Now, I read it and I feel it. Like, it’s there at the pit of my stomach.

Somehow my days lately have such powerful lessons at the end of them that it’s almost unbearable at times. People dropping like flies, people resurfacing, people testing the waters. I shall stand still. Stand tall and silent like a firm, cold, pale statute. March on. Keep moving. Don’t let anyone not worthy hold me back or stop me from reaching my potential. Earn. Trust. Worthy. Standards. Goodbye old me. Introducing new me: hello world. Hello person. Nice to meet you.

But today, I thought of you. Thank you for the small talk-invite. No really though, Its ok if you never learn, witness, or see the amazing, beautiful growth from what you’ve taught me in my short life.

But yes, Today I thought of you.

Tasha

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 19th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Beneath The Willow Tree

As I lay here in company, the bed so warm and soft. I feel I am alone, this world inside my head. This week has been heavy on my heart with all the angles swept. Piled into a corner, is where I let it set. Everyone around me, their voices are like chords. They scratch inside these bones, like chalk is to the board.

My mind starts racing faster, as I crawl into my hole, tucked away, far behind that velvet curtain roll. Reality, realism, rational all have no place in here. Only things that I believe are certain to appear, but only if it’s entrance toys away the fear.

My legs are tight and torn, they shake with trembled care. My toes curl into a ball and the ceiling bares my glare. Choices here, choices there, my patience fading too. Everyone has a thought on what they think I’ll do.

My eyes are closing now, drifting like the smog. The room is barely lit, but yet I see the fog. The words form in my heart, they form inside my mind. Hidden in this space, this secret place of mine. This search for a peaceful life, will come to me I know. Wrapped in silky purple bows these tickets to my show.

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, October 29th, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis

Pandora’s Box

I stare down at you laying in my arms, my mind wonders off and lands in fantasy land. Your hand traces the outlines of all my curves, your lips wrap around my mouth, the taste so sweet. You whisper things to me that makes my body tremble. You tell me a story, the one you’ve told hundreds of times before.

Yet you take me for a fool, you feed into my desires, playing on thoughts of forever. Do you touch yourself thinking of all the things you beg me to do that no one else can? Do you sit in your corner reminiscing all the paths we’ve been down, down, down? Hashing out what you can say to make me stay just one more time.

But, Oh baby I see through your lies, your lies, all the times you tripped me up, how stupid was I? You cover your eyes when I want to open mine. Yes it’s been lonesome baby, oh baby– but I see your lies, your lies.

Walking down the street, the light flickering off the poles so high up, a sliver of a smoke screen. Like a Hollywood scene, my smile- that kind of bright red lipstick smile, and wearing my neon green fish net stockings with my high heels. I see you over there, I look away from this stranger I see. You grab my hand pulling me back in with your kiss trapping me in your reality once again. Why can’t you just stay away, my pandoras box, just stay away.

Yet you take me for a fool, you feed into my desires, playing on thoughts of forever. Do you touch yourself thinking of all the things you beg me to do that no one else can? Do you sit in your corner reminiscing all the paths we’ve been down, down, down? Hashing out what you can say to make me stay just one more time.

But, Oh baby I see through your lies, your lies, all the times you tripped me up, how stupid was I? You cover your eyes when I want to open mine. Yes it’s been lonesome baby, oh baby– but I see your lies, your lies.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, September 11th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Secret Prayer

I am laying here tonight, my body drenched in fear. I push my judging thoughts aside, my eyes fill with tears.

For tomorrow, I pay a visit, to my brothers grave. Why did God take his life, how come he couldn’t stay?

I hear my cursing words come out, I feel my anger rise. I do not understand why people drink and drive.

I am going the cemetery where part of his ashes lay. I am going there to tell him Karen had his boy today.

As I tell him these things, I will break down into tears. I will say the things I should have said while he was here.

I will tell him that I love him, and thank him for loving me. I will tell him in my heart is where he’ll always be.

Then I will say God, please help me to love and forgive that man who killed my brother the night he should have lived.

And please put a burden on his heart, to never again drink and drive. To make him think of all of us, that didn’t get to say good-bye.

And help him be a stronger man, get his life right. Help him understand that your most precious gift is life.

And just before I fell asleep, I heard someone say, no need to worry, I am always with you. It will be ok.

When I awoke the next morning, I awoke with a smile. Thinking things over, was worth my worth while.

That hatred I had in my heart, no longer lingered there, I take it as if the lord had answered my secret prayer.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 9th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The worse is yet to come 3/20/2017

I thought I would sit down at my desk and type out a little tonight. It’s been awhile, I apologize to my followers for not keeping up with my writing. I know it’s something I am suppose to do when I have a blog going and many people that depend on my writings to make them feel more alive. But, when you don’t feel alive yourself, how are you suppose to help others. I have been a little lost and stumped I guess I should say. My life has been so up and down since last October to be honest. As you all know I am bipolar and my meds got all messed up and then they changed, then they didn’t work and now I am unmedicated for today, one day only. It’s still hell, you have no idea unless you’ve been where I am. I had to taper down on the last medicine I was on that had only worked for two weeks. So, I start back on lithium tomorrow morning and I really hope it works out for me this time, without my body developing the hard core side effects.  With a lower dosage, maybe I can have somewhat of a decent life. At this point I will take anything I can get. At what cost, I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’ve been scratching my head and clawing my way out of this deep dark hole since the end of last year that my nails are down to the quick. I don’t look pretty or feel pretty when I am depressed, manic, or out of my mind. My hair was falling out for a while, my eyes had dark circles under them, and I gained about 20 pounds already this year with the medicines changing so much. Feeling high and feeling low does not have its perks. There is no pretty when it comes to not wanting to wake up in the morning. There are so many wounds left open, the scars can’t heal when they won’t close. I have pushed so many people away, and for good reasons, but to do it when your emotions are at an all high. Well, it doesn’t make for a good time let’s just say that. I feel a thunderstorm coming on in my life, even though I’ve weathered this horrible storm already for so many months. It feels as if the worst hasn’t come yet still. I’m still breathing, I am surviving yes, but it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to just make it day to day. I want to live and be happy. I want to jump for joy once in a while. I want to wake up with a smile on my face. I don’t want to sit in my chair with pity in my mind and self loathing, not wanting to move forward or even get out of bed. I’m still breathing… right?  I have a family that loves me, I have a great job, I have friends that are supportive, and I have many people in the medical field rooting for me to get better. But, way in the back of my mind I am hopeless. I am sad, mad, tired, worthless, useless, and haven’t been attentive to my responsibilities. Big and small. Short and tall. Far and wide. Everything seems so big yet so far away. I feel like I am falling into the ocean and letting the waves just take me out to sea, watching everyone and everything I love disappear. The worse part is I am totally ok with that in this state. Yet, I get irritable and snap at everyone. I don’t want to be around people in these moments and when they get trapped in my stare they get the blunt worse of it. It’s gotta be complicated for those that are close to me, up front with these raw emotions flying around all over the place and out of place for most have never seen this side of me. They see the happy Tasha, the one that’s the life of the party. Some deserve it, most don’t. I have however learned to establish emotion boundaries, but that’s the only good thing I have accomplished in over 5 months. That literally sucks the life out of me just writing that. I am so disappointed in myself and some of my actions. I didn’t intend on hurting anyone but some people have just gotten caught up in the cross fires. It’s all my fault to blame, I guess. But, this rollercoaster ride definitely isn’t for everyone and not everyone can handle a broken person such as I or have the desire to, to be honest. But as broken as I may be, I know the beautiful inside of me is dying to come out and play. I am ready to make a break. I am ready to run down the road with the sunshine in my eyes, the glare staring back at me in the face, and the warmth sweating down my back.  I used to be so happy, I used to be wonderful. I used to be a lot of things and had so much to look forward to. I still do have a lot to look forward to. It’s the only thing that has kept me going. Watching my two boys grow up and see them graduate high school and college, get married, and have their own kids. For I have been given a second chance at life. Well, actually make that a third chance. I know I should have so much to be grateful for. But, why can’t I feel this way. Why is everything so dark and gloomy for me, and what will come of this storm I feel coming. I know it’s going to be bad, I just feel it in my bones. You all have those feelings deep down inside and you know that you are journeying to a predestined atmosphere,  unknown to oneself. What is it, what will happen? Why can’t I ever catch a break? Will there ever be that time in my life where I am happy for more than 6 months without something bad happening to me?

I am still sitting here at this shaken down, beaten desk of mine, wobbling my head back and forth listening to Lorde. Somehow she brings me solitude in these horrid times. I feel the chill rise up my arms and down my shoulders then down my back and legs. The trembling never stops. The shaking never lets up. Yes, it’s fear you are reading that is blasting me out on this blog of mine. The sky is darkening here in my neck of the woods and the time for me to close my night is approaching. I do not want to fall asleep and have the dream catcher catch me again. He never stops chasing me, he keeps me up all hours of the night and it’s scary. I dread the time to come where I have to lay my head down on my soft puffy pillows and curl up into a ball under my comforter next to this mate of mine that had no idea what she was getting herself into when she married me. So dedicated she is though. I don’t want to fall asleep because I fear the worst, that another day passed where I accomplished nothing. Knowing deep down, I may only ever be just an emotional wreck. I don’t expect anyone to understand this, but I know some of you will because you have been there before or maybe you are going through it just the same. Will it ever end? How am I going to get through this week? Prayer isn’t helping, nor is meditating. Group therapy has it’s perks but in there, there is no rest for the broken individuals and I feel everything they are feeling and taking it upon myself and some days I come out the other end worse than when I went in. Not anyones fault, I bring it on myself, but I am left here stuck wondering what will ever work for me? Individual therapy has come to an end for me at the moment, the trust was broken and I was left out in the woods alone and scared and no one to catch me falling when I was at my worse, by the only person who could ever pull me out and make me see clearly. That person is gone and there is this hole in my heart that is stretching more with each day, each week. I just want to heal. I want to get out of this slump. I want happiness, I want peace. I just don’t see the possibilities, there is no light at the end of this tunnel today. What will tomorrow bring?

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, March 20, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.