No reasons left to wonder

Tell me why I’m over here crying about you. We were never all that much were we, to waste all these tears? All those years?

My soul and heart was aching for you, but comfort never came. In the dark times you didn’t have to question that my love was never a game.

I stood there in the doorway waiting, with all of my emotions sore. Just to watch you slam it shut and say you don’t want me anymore.

You put up walls that stood too damn tall, always there keeping us apart. You let your past eat up your nerves, and it was that alone that created your depart.

Your shadowy figure dances inside these walls of my dimly lit room. I lose myself in memories of what was once me and you.

People had their way with us, talking all this shit. Coming between us, every step, every move. Words that ultimately sank our ship, words that left nothing to prove.

We could have rode the waves all the way out to the shore. Made a way for a nice life, have a showdown, or perhaps…even the score.

Yet, here on my own, I’m faced with reality checks and false hope. I can only do it so long, walking this light, tight rope.

Same stories you tell again and again, twisted up plots just to win. Cradling your heart, protecting the parts that are still swimming in sin.

Leaving me here alone, and soft spoken. Yes you left, but I knew though, deep down I was just this beautiful vase you kept purposely broken.

So spread your wings little one, lift your head high, soar to the sky and fly your own kind of wild. I’ll be here still stronger than ever with my new lover, my new karmic why.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 12, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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My Cherry Tree

The call came in around 1 in the morning. Static and electricity shot through my body as they asked me if I would come down to the morgue to identify your body. Tears came pouring down my cheeks like an Oklahoma summer thunderstorm. The wind and rain breaking through barriers, tearing through the trees breaking their limbs, and flooding the streets. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and my legs weak in the knees. I couldn’t stand so tall anymore. All I could do was sit with a blanket wrapped around my arms and shoulders. I snuggled up and sobbed. I knew this day would come, I just didn’t expect it so soon. Does this really mean goodbye?

All your past attempts on your life have failed. You always made it out alive or pulled through. Every single attempt. If I had to take a guess, I’d guess over 30 attempts in your young years. I never imagined my life without you. I pictured long talks, beer or wine, movies or cards. It was our thing you know? I don’t want to see your cold body laying on a slab. Alone and frozen in time. Unsheltered. I don’t want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are forever.

These thoughts of how maybe I could have saved you creep in like the gate keepers of hell. Should I have put in more effort? Was there anything I could have said to make you realize the important role you played in my chaotic and ever changing life? The sweet smell of your long red flowing hair, will no longer be my safe place. For I will never get to run my fingers through each strand of your cherry colored mane. Hair braiding, face peels, or manicures. All over. No one left to indulge my inner, deepest, darkest secrets to. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

How will I react around your family when we all get together to mourn your loss, a life taken too soon? How will I be able to stand next to them when there’s this bite that’s chills every bone, all the way down my spine? Im feeling this hollow empty hole that gaps my heart into pieces take hold. It’s forever changed the course I was on. Altering my future and always hesitant decisions. What will my life be like now without you? I guess this is goodbye.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 6th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Broken Tiles

You’ve got my head spinning so fast that it makes me dizzy. So dizzy that I fall to the ground my hands landing in the rips of the carpet that squares the tile floor. The glass and sheetrock staggered all around sifting and grinding under my fingernails. The blood rushing to my head and falling like droplets, but its not blood; it’s tears. The salt taste rest on my lips as they quiver from the scared that shakes my frame so.

But- I love all of you though, still I am left wondering how I can make a clean break, how can I run as far away to the corner of the world that floats beneath me. Yes I am flying, flying free, breaking free. Yet, I am still chained… to another predestined atmosphere. Will I ever escape this circle? This pattern? This every day life? Will I really break the cycle and go to where I was created? Or will I suffer indefinitely?

For once I thought that giving my all to someone would be easy but I have found that I want most of those parts of myself back. I don’t know who’s going to kiss you when I am gone. I don’t know who will be there to pick your chassis back up and put you back to pieces. We used to be the glue to each others broken pieces, but that glue has turned to opposite ends of the magnet. Pulling our pieces back apart, everything we have built, starting all over again. Every brick I lay as foundation… it gets torn down with words, actions, and ridicule. I feel so defeated. I lay my entire mentally beaten body down and fall back into the clouds. The clouds of denial. The soft clouds that bring stillness to my bag of bones.

I feel desolated, dejected. I feel broken more now that I have ever felt in my life. It’s hard getting that out of my mouth. Because trust me I have been through a lot. It sounds so dirty. I feel dirty, and used and broken and beaten. Yes I know I’ve already said this and I sound like a record skipping just when it gets to my favorite part. but, every time things are going great something bad always happens.

So I cuddle up with my pillow between my legs and one behind my head and one to hold onto throughout the night as I fall asleep and hope that I wake up tomorrow. Or do I? Hinds sight isn’t always so bright.

The second attempt

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016