The worse is yet to come 3/20/2017

I thought I would sit down at my desk and type out a little tonight. It’s been awhile, I apologize to my followers for not keeping up with my writing. I know it’s something I am suppose to do when I have a blog going and many people that depend on my writings to make them feel more alive. But, when you don’t feel alive yourself, how are you suppose to help others. I have been a little lost and stumped I guess I should say. My life has been so up and down since last October to be honest. As you all know I am bipolar and my meds got all messed up and then they changed, then they didn’t work and now I am unmedicated for today, one day only. It’s still hell, you have no idea unless you’ve been where I am. I had to taper down on the last medicine I was on that had only worked for two weeks. So, I start back on lithium tomorrow morning and I really hope it works out for me this time, without my body developing the hard core side effects.  With a lower dosage, maybe I can have somewhat of a decent life. At this point I will take anything I can get. At what cost, I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’ve been scratching my head and clawing my way out of this deep dark hole since the end of last year that my nails are down to the quick. I don’t look pretty or feel pretty when I am depressed, manic, or out of my mind. My hair was falling out for a while, my eyes had dark circles under them, and I gained about 20 pounds already this year with the medicines changing so much. Feeling high and feeling low does not have its perks. There is no pretty when it comes to not wanting to wake up in the morning. There are so many wounds left open, the scars can’t heal when they won’t close. I have pushed so many people away, and for good reasons, but to do it when your emotions are at an all high. Well, it doesn’t make for a good time let’s just say that. I feel a thunderstorm coming on in my life, even though I’ve weathered this horrible storm already for so many months. It feels as if the worst hasn’t come yet still. I’m still breathing, I am surviving yes, but it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to just make it day to day. I want to live and be happy. I want to jump for joy once in a while. I want to wake up with a smile on my face. I don’t want to sit in my chair with pity in my mind and self loathing, not wanting to move forward or even get out of bed. I’m still breathing… right?  I have a family that loves me, I have a great job, I have friends that are supportive, and I have many people in the medical field rooting for me to get better. But, way in the back of my mind I am hopeless. I am sad, mad, tired, worthless, useless, and haven’t been attentive to my responsibilities. Big and small. Short and tall. Far and wide. Everything seems so big yet so far away. I feel like I am falling into the ocean and letting the waves just take me out to sea, watching everyone and everything I love disappear. The worse part is I am totally ok with that in this state. Yet, I get irritable and snap at everyone. I don’t want to be around people in these moments and when they get trapped in my stare they get the blunt worse of it. It’s gotta be complicated for those that are close to me, up front with these raw emotions flying around all over the place and out of place for most have never seen this side of me. They see the happy Tasha, the one that’s the life of the party. Some deserve it, most don’t. I have however learned to establish emotion boundaries, but that’s the only good thing I have accomplished in over 5 months. That literally sucks the life out of me just writing that. I am so disappointed in myself and some of my actions. I didn’t intend on hurting anyone but some people have just gotten caught up in the cross fires. It’s all my fault to blame, I guess. But, this rollercoaster ride definitely isn’t for everyone and not everyone can handle a broken person such as I or have the desire to, to be honest. But as broken as I may be, I know the beautiful inside of me is dying to come out and play. I am ready to make a break. I am ready to run down the road with the sunshine in my eyes, the glare staring back at me in the face, and the warmth sweating down my back.  I used to be so happy, I used to be wonderful. I used to be a lot of things and had so much to look forward to. I still do have a lot to look forward to. It’s the only thing that has kept me going. Watching my two boys grow up and see them graduate high school and college, get married, and have their own kids. For I have been given a second chance at life. Well, actually make that a third chance. I know I should have so much to be grateful for. But, why can’t I feel this way. Why is everything so dark and gloomy for me, and what will come of this storm I feel coming. I know it’s going to be bad, I just feel it in my bones. You all have those feelings deep down inside and you know that you are journeying to a predestined atmosphere,  unknown to oneself. What is it, what will happen? Why can’t I ever catch a break? Will there ever be that time in my life where I am happy for more than 6 months without something bad happening to me?

I am still sitting here at this shaken down, beaten desk of mine, wobbling my head back and forth listening to Lorde. Somehow she brings me solitude in these horrid times. I feel the chill rise up my arms and down my shoulders then down my back and legs. The trembling never stops. The shaking never lets up. Yes, it’s fear you are reading that is blasting me out on this blog of mine. The sky is darkening here in my neck of the woods and the time for me to close my night is approaching. I do not want to fall asleep and have the dream catcher catch me again. He never stops chasing me, he keeps me up all hours of the night and it’s scary. I dread the time to come where I have to lay my head down on my soft puffy pillows and curl up into a ball under my comforter next to this mate of mine that had no idea what she was getting herself into when she married me. So dedicated she is though. I don’t want to fall asleep because I fear the worst, that another day passed where I accomplished nothing. Knowing deep down, I may only ever be just an emotional wreck. I don’t expect anyone to understand this, but I know some of you will because you have been there before or maybe you are going through it just the same. Will it ever end? How am I going to get through this week? Prayer isn’t helping, nor is meditating. Group therapy has it’s perks but in there, there is no rest for the broken individuals and I feel everything they are feeling and taking it upon myself and some days I come out the other end worse than when I went in. Not anyones fault, I bring it on myself, but I am left here stuck wondering what will ever work for me? Individual therapy has come to an end for me at the moment, the trust was broken and I was left out in the woods alone and scared and no one to catch me falling when I was at my worse, by the only person who could ever pull me out and make me see clearly. That person is gone and there is this hole in my heart that is stretching more with each day, each week. I just want to heal. I want to get out of this slump. I want happiness, I want peace. I just don’t see the possibilities, there is no light at the end of this tunnel today. What will tomorrow bring?

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, March 20, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

No Second Chances

When you don’t get closure with someone that is no longer in your life it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes friendships need to end. You may not always know why, and that is ok. They may not always close out with a happy ending even. Ever more so making my point. My point is clear. Sometimes you aren’t meant to get closure with that person because they aren’t worth it. They don’t deserve your time or energy. They never were good for you, you see, and even with closure they still won’t be good for you. It changes nothing I have come to find. Whether you chose to end the friendship or they chose to, it makes no difference. Something/s or someone or they themselves got in the middle of what you both believe and how much they differ. Or maybe your interest were no longer the same. Maybe they manipulated you and your entire friendship. Either way, it’s important to understand the difference between what you take or don’t take blame for. If you know in your heart you did everything to end things on a casual cool level it’s on them then. I recently had to get rid of some people in my life that were very bad for me, no matter the love I did or didn’t feel for or towards them. It hurt at first, I won’t lie. Like everything else though, with each new day it gets easier and better. Time is truly a miracle medicine. With time, all things fade, even memories. The only thing to do if anything is that you take away from the situation. That you need to not hang on to those memories that are bad because it’s not healthy. Moving on and living your life for you and those you truly care about and who truly care about you is what it’s all about. Let go of the negativity. Spin that crap into positivity and get through the bad times with those that matter the most to you. Don’t look back, don’t wish things could have been different, and definitely don’t give them a second chance. When I say second chances I am not implying that you get in a fight with your best friend in the whole world and not work through that. I am saying once someone screws you over or disrespects you in such a way it damages your soul even an ounce or discredits your reputation. You do not give THOSE people a second chance. Ever. They are bad people. Stick to what you know always, and let go of what or who you don’t know.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, February 1, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

The Cheater

If I could go back in time I’d try to create a perfect love. Wouldn’t that have been nice? I would gauge, yes, evaluate all the people that surrounded me and learn how to love in return for once. For you, I would have started with, I’m sorry for all the pain I will cause you in the future. I will say that even though I will fall in love with you completely, I will eventually leave you for her. Any kind of her, because she will have all the things I desire, but it’s just lust every time. Why wouldn’t I see that? Why can’t I see that now. The world will surround you by the hunger of lies, lust, and deception. Feeding off of your soul, sucking it lifeless every time. Like it left me standing in the rain without a rain coat. Only puddles for me to step in. What a mucky, muddy mess I am left to clean up with my broken, lonely, and horny heart, like the many hers there were before. I would have laid next to you forever though or is that even possible for someone like me? I would have breathed my all into your lifeless, lonely body, maybe? Or made you think that anyways, I wanted to take you away from your skilled lover and stand with you on a mountain. I would have shouted from the top that I would live this way with you forever, yet I know personally that would hold no value and another her will never escape my mind once again. I always leave my lovers. I always come back to what I am used to, it’s a lesson I’ve never quite learned. You were almost just another her. I may cross your mind from time to time, I hope you will remember my smile and not all the bad things. And for me, you will cross my mind a few times this I know, or it wouldn’t be weighing so heavily on my mind. I will remember your touch, and how it sent shock waves throughout my entire being while my shirt sleeve hid the goose bumps. It will soon be a distant memory of what wasn’t, probably best thing for the both of us. I may feel like I can’t do this without you now, not that I ever had you entirely. But, I know in the future those feelings will be irrelevant. I have been here laying around all day hoping that everything truly does happen for a reason. I can’t give you what you need, I have never been able to from the beginning. In her eyes, when it becomes too much pain to bare, you have to walk away. No one likes to be the other lover. No one likes to be left out in the cold standing there with empty words. Empty words that were never said, an empty love that never cared. Empty promises that were never made, and an empty bed where she laid. Dear future lover, wrap your heart up with stainless steel and do not let me in. Unless you want to be another… her.

– The Cheater

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2017

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Elements

My soul is a free spirit, it drifts among the natural beauties of the world. Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water. It blends in to the core of respect for Mother Nature. She balances me, she cradles me. She shows me no diversity. I swim to her in my dreams and play with her holy water, submerging myself in her world. Drenching my spirit within her bounds of solitution. I run with her like the flames of the fire, melting away my burdens. I bury my body into the earth playing with the dust; as one day I will become whole and ground myself to her will. I play with her strong winds, floating through the universe spreading my energy around and sharing the positivity with all beings and life. For I am not solid, but one with her. My respect runs deep. I hold her sacred to my heart forever connected as one.
 Tasha Geller-Hollingshead © copyright 2014