The Portrait

Laying here on my couch watching my kids run around and be goofy, I start reminiscing about our short lived time together. I felt for a minute there that I was going crazy. Love is a tricky situation for everyone involved; this I have learned from my intimate and dialed up crazy times with you. You touched my heart in the deepest, darkest, furthest corners bringing to light what I didn’t know could exist. I kept it hidden so well or so I thought. Everyone around me has noticed the differences that have come to the surface. I can’t say you changed me entirely but my choices have definitely been affected by the propositions we have put ourselves in. They all keep pulling at me, trying to get me away from you saying “Billie, why?” Always with their opinions on right and wrong, always a stigma or what is proper. The strings you tangled up inside me keep me are still twisted at my core. Friendship is something I yearned from you, but over time it turned into something more. Yet, we walked away didn’t we? Unbroken, yet shielded.

My experiences with you have opened my eyes to other imperfect opportunities that turned out to be the best case scenarios for me in this thing we call life. My eyes were open the entire time, jotting down and taking impeccable notes had kept me entertained and busy. Kudos to you for showing me that love can be on different levels rather than the one society has etched in our bodies and souls. The amount of wisdom I have learned from you will live on for the rest of my life and guide me in and out of situations that I will come across with others. I will be the wiser one in the future. Protecting and guarding my heart, only leaving it open and available for the one I chose to spend my life with.

Letting go of a love, or trying to change that love back into a friendship has shown to be one of the hardest things I have experienced in my young adult life. The precision of the worth I held in you, those expectations set your value higher than you could live up to. To be honest I deserve better. You deserve better. We weren’t meant to be this intimate or close. This was never a position I expected to be in with you. Talking about everything, setting boundaries, and choosing seperate goals perhaps will keep us in line this time around. The chemistry and attraction we may have had before needs to desiccate, fall away like the leaves in the fall make their break away from everything they have known, naturally. A beautiful portrait, we painted. Now, it’s left up for sell to the highest bidder. Lost and tucked away forever by another owner never to be seen by us again. As the seasons come and go and our life situations change, we will eventually meet up again one day and greet each other with a smile. For this picture perfect friendship has been captured and framed for all eternity.

By: Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 2/26/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Video inspiration: Better in Time by Leona Lewis

Advertisements

Again I say

The moon covers the stars tonight that used to outshine the deep blue sky. These clouds block any hope that I might see an eclipse or even possibly a sliver of a dance that the stars usually perform for me.

I guess it’s that time again where everything around me seems to fall into this dark shallow and hidden valley. No one is allowed to run to with me. This valley that knows me well, for I have paid many extended stays.

 I’m running through the woods, tripping on every broken branch. My heart races and I struggle to catch my breath; my body feels broken and tired. I know I shouldn’t be here, I know I promised myself I would never feel the need to return to this self-loathing pit. Why have I been drawn back to this forsaken place? My strength has failed me yet again. This time however it’s more than strength that I needed.

Every season has its end where a new beginning begins. Usually, I’m good at predicting my next moves…usually. I feel lost and overwhelmed, my thoughts surround my self-pity, for cradling myself to sleep and praying I don’t wake up to yet another night sunk into our bed empty handed, has driven me mad. Yet, I will not be mad again.

Will I always end up here, and not there? Will I always end up there, and not here?

This road that circles around to the same starting point, this road, that in the middle leads off trail, only to find myself re-circled. My fear reasons my best intentions to turn around and go back, to try and break this riddle.

My nerves are shot; my judgment was not in check, clear in all the right places. Yet somehow, could I ever allow myself to not see, what I’ve seen in almost all of my 30 years?

So into this valley I pick up my pail of tears and walk through the shadows that house ancient rooted trees, and smells of mildew and stench.  I carry my weightless body, floating my way over to the river and dump my tears away.

These tears run deep, and are collected all the way back in time, each tear I ever shed. I let the heavy current carry them away, and I sing.

Don’t come back

Don’t come back I pray

Don’t come back you hear me say, I shall never let you in again.

Let my soul be, let me forgive all of these, don’t come back I beg of thee.

The loud crunch echoes throughout the valley, the grounded soil beneath my bones send a chill up my spine; as I raise my head once more and see the bright rusty orange break over the gray tilted sky, I breathe so easily once again, once again I say.

Tasha Geller © copyright 2011