Dedicated to S
The moment I looked at her, the sunshine all around. We were surrounded by thousands of people and I am sure it was loud. I wouldn’t know though, all the sounds went away as I watched her walk up towards me. I instantly felt safe. This looming thick mist attacks my airways and I could not breathe, I could not understand the emotions that were unfolding out from all around me. I could not feel my feet, my legs felt light in fact I couldn’t feel the ground, I guess its what some say is called floating on air. I have never in my life felt this before. It was so strange, it was the only moment I remember from that entire evening.
I don’t think anyone can blame me for chasing this mysterious woman, a little intimidating but I think to myself I can handle her. Will she be able to handle me though? She has this tough exterior. Is she as tough inside as she is outside? Is she secure, stable, got her stuff together? Well I won’t hold you in suspense here, I got a date with her. I watched her closely as she talked about life, I watch her dominate her presence. I felt though I could smell just a hint of fear. Perhaps, I was intimidating as well. Either way, I liked it. There was way more to this woman than what meets the eye. I shivered as she put her hand on my lower back when we were leaving and she held open the door for me. The wind caught our cheeks and the sunlight gleamed from her eyes as she smiled at me, holding the door. I just melted to the floor. I could not walk, my knees were shaking as I climbed up in the big truck. SIGH. That angelic face was stuck in my head for weeks, as we talked over text and over the phone every night, I knew that I had to take a chance and see where this might go with her.
The nights started to become longer and lonelier as I longed for her touch. Her presence next to me keeping me safe, and holding me until I fell asleep. I knew she was the one for me. We have been through so much emotionally, financially, physically but you know what we pulled through stronger than ever. Happy one year anniversary S. I love you.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
Saved Draft- Polished
It’s funny h0w I watch and listen to everyone in the media, all these celebrities, and moguls themselves are saying they are so smart and can do great things but they are in debt. People who drive up in a car that could have bought 5 different families homes. Why? Why do you need that car? Now to me that is not someone I would take advice from because they don’t see sensible. Up there in the spotlight, making all this money. So my only conclusion since they don’t donate or build charities, is that they spend their money on material things that are outrageously expensive just to keep up with the Joneses next door or to be in a magazine showing “America” all their great things. Let’s make America great again. Buying all these things that are meant to impress other people is that like a form of insecurity? Or are they selfish? I see homeless people all the time, or woman who goes through abuse with their lover and have no where to go with their babies, or the children that come up to you when you are eating something and ask if they can have some? What about these folks, oh that’s right you worked very hard for your money. Why should you have to give it to anyone that doesn’t deserve it? Well if it weren’t for people like us common folk you wouldn’t have that money. Isn’t it us normal folk that buy your companies things? Did you inherit it that company? Refuse to share it? You will never reach your spiritual growth level that every person deserves. It brings peace, it eliminates stress, and keeps happiness on lock down. How can you sit back and watch people SUFFER and starve or cry themselves to sleep, when you have the power to change things? Sad. It really is, and NO ONE is doing anything about it.
Now for me, when people try to impress me I am more apt to listen to them if they are telling me ways to reach my growth. Telling me their experiences and how they’ve come so far to get where they are and to have what they need. Things they bought because they needed them, not because of some pressure to live up to societies standards and be like all the cool kids. People impress me when they open doors for people. Help a waitress clean a drink on the table spilled. A young man helping an old woman get her groceries put in her car and put her cart up. You know that thing called manners. Common courtesy. Love.
When you grow up, you realize that this world is a horrible place for some people. You should always do everything you can to help anyone you can. You come to understand that there is more to life than working, and going home or going to the bar to party all night. We are now more than ever in a crisis and everyone needs to come together, whites, blacks, muslims, mexicans, italians, purple, and anyone else. There is a higher power somewhere dictating and pulling the strings to divide us. That is the ONLY way to defeat wait…. DESTROY America. Turn us against each other and take each other out. People who don’t see this, need to be made aware. Problem is everyone is so defensive, angry, unsure what to think that they end up shutting you out when you mention it.
Please when you wake up tomorrow, do something for someone. Wife, Husband, Kid, Neighbor, Church Member, stranger, anyone. Even if its to stop them and give them a hug.
Let’s start spreading LOVE and Positive VIBES, and HOPE.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead ©copyright 2016
Laying back on the couch watching a movie or show everything feels so overwhelming. I can’t even watch my shows, I can’t enjoy peace and quiet. I can’t hear my own thoughts. I am a slave to those around me. I have a list in my head that I have been trying to get done for a week now. There is no one to help me, I may have a family that surrounds me but yet I feel all alone. I am the one that has to keep this household together, I have to be the peacekeeper for everyone that surrounds me. I all by myself standing next to these children. They expect me to do everything for them. I am their beck and call, I get no assistance. They do not respect their things, breaking them like they are so easily replaceable. They change clothes 3 times a day. The laundry piles up. It takes me 3 to 4 days to get it all done and put away. Then I come back to their room and its all back on the floor. Even their toys; everything, blankets and pillows in the corner of their room. Movies and xBox games out of the boxes and scratches on most of them. Some play, some don’t.
My lover, I am tired of her whining about everything. I am tired of her sleeping all day. Or at least it feels like its all day. She has a habit of being forceful and speaking her mind, causing drama with those I am close to. Putting me in a position where I am stuck choosing because her I have to. She is lazy. She does nothing at all but complain about how sad and depressed she is. Her medicine does not work for her disorder. Her mind is all over the place, she speaks in a different language sometimes. She has intimacy issues. She doesn’t even try to understand me. My family does not like her, they don’t care to. I don’t even care if they like her or not. There’s no point trying to change that, because once they see her on her on a bad day it would have all been for nothing. This world I am entangled up in, I can’t escape I can’t make myself walk away. I am too stubborn to allow others to say to me, I told you so.
-The trapped other lover
Laying on my bed curled up in a circle, wiping away my tears as they fall down my cheeks I slowly close my eyes and drift away. For when I sleep I feel nothing. It’s much better than picking up some drugs and zoning out. I have to think about my kids and my lover this time. I am already too much to handle, I could never put them in a position where they have to see me like that. That would be too hard to walk away from, but is my disorder better.
I go out to the store, when I start counting those around me, realizing there are a lot of people around me I freak out. My mind shuts down, I can’t think one single straight thought, I can’t breathe, my face gets flush, I get so scared its like I am back to being 5 years old and thinking there is a monster under my bed kinda scared. I am a child again, I cannot defend myself. I am all alone, the only thing I can do is leave and get in my car. My eyes are so blurred and I can’t even remember where I parked. My hands are shaking so bad, I can’t even get the keys in the ignition. I am sweating everywhere. I break down and start crying. This is a bad day. It screws up my entire day. I come home to an overwhelmed lover that has a list of things to do, children yelling and fighting. Everything is loud, and I am Deaf. If I can hear it clearly, then it’s loud. So what do I do, I go lay in my bed and sleep.
Drinking alcohol is such a bad idea for someone like me, it’s an addiction. I drink to feel better but end up feeling worse or sick. For that one hour or two I do feel better. If I can get two hours a day feeling good, it’s worth it. Until the next day when I can’t get up to shower, eat, or even get something to drink. All I can do is lay there and think of ways I can die that wouldn’t point to suicide. So why not just start drinking again, who cares that its noon. It’s an endless cycle.
How can someone not care enough about themselves to live their life? When they have everything going for them? Everyone knows its just easier to give up than work hard not even knowing the end results.
Everyday all I see is a black cloud over my head and lead in my heart. I am worthless, I don’t mean anything to anyone. I have no true friends, this lover of mine is only with me because she thought she found someone that would take care of her. Everyone is out to get me. I am being followed everywhere I go. That man over there thats been parked, watching us, he’s going to take my kids. Tears come in buckets everyday. My chest hurts because I cry so hard. I choke over my own spit, I just want to be held. I just want to know that everything is going to get better. Where has my hope gone? Why is this happening to me? Is this life even real? Am I in a coma in some hospital and this is what my brain has dreamt up for me. Life doesn’t even feel real. I wonder if I jumped off a building would I wake up?
-The bipolar lover
Why do I have to get up by myself and pour my cereal and be so quiet? Why can’t I go outside and play like all the other kids? Why does everyone yell at me all the time? It’s not fair that we have to be confined to this room all the time. I want to go swimming, and to the park to play. Mommy please can we go get a snow cone? Let’s go for a walk around the block or have a water balloon fight. Lets pick out a family movie and watch it while we eat popcorn and drink hot chocalate. Mommy I love you. Can we go to the movie theater and watch a movie on the big screen. Hey we can do things that don’t cost money too. We can color, or paint, or put together our scrapbook you started so long ago. Lets have a craft day. I don’t like it when I hear you guys fight and yell and slam doors. I don’t like being screamed at for something that really isn’t a big deal. I am just a child I don’t need to be yelled out. But I forgive you. I still love you. ALWAYS and forever.
Life is better today, it was great yesterday and tomorrow is going to be even better. New medicine, new outlook on life, new opportunities, new life. Just because you are starting a new life doesn’t mean you have to change up the people in your life. All that worrying about true friends. I have had them all along. My lover well she’s still around believe it or not and my children have never been happier, and I have a bond with them I have never experienced before in my whole life. I don’t know where I will be in 6 months or a year but I do know that I will be happy. I won’t do anything that doesn’t make me happy. I deserve that. For once I am going to put myself and my health first. I don’t and haven’t slept in the middle of the day in almost 6 months. I clean, I mow, I help with the children, I go grocery shopping without freaking out, I am no longer lazy, I do things in my own time now. I don’t put up with peoples BS anymore. Life is looking up finally.
-The bipolar lover revamped