Serenity and Acceptance

Instead of reminiscing about all of our bad times,

I will focus my memories on all the good days and nights.

When those darks thoughts creep in and the hate settles in,

I shall understand that you were a karmic cycle end.

Those hard felt feelings of being abandoned and ignored,

Will wash up and clash likes waves upon the shores.

Tip toeing around our problems and letting them build up a wall,

Is ultimately what ended our romance, but my name, sadness will not call.

Strolling through this beautiful park, feeling the wind in my hair,

Embarks me upon a new journey, one with you I cannot share.

I’ll never forget your smile, your eyes, and everything we laid bare,

I say goodbye to you finally, without shedding anymore tears.

For we are destined for so much more than we allowed ourselves to have,

Now letting each other go, living our lives on separate paths.

Goodbye to you my dearest, goodbye my ex lover, goodbye my old friend,

I wish you nothing but the best for your life as our relationship descends.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, July 29, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Cost of time

I see the Beauty through the pain when life bestows upon us a storm or rain.

Breaking you down just to build you up, this pain we suffer in this half full cup.

You can’t stop it you can only embrace it in all its true forms.

But how, with what tools were we equipped with…to handle this thorn?

Which bedtime story that my parents read explains this part of the fairy tale ending?

Everybody circling is vulturous always bringing that bitch we all know as negative.

The rebel that thrives in me will break these chains.

Waiting for my moment to drive these reins.

I may be invisible but definitely am not your typical.

All these faults, and insecurities, these hidden gifts are magical.

Trip you up, fill you up, tie you up in an improbable game.

Tempting your dark side to gamble on the possibility of straying insane.

I was born to run, I was born to fly away from the parts of stories with lullabies.

Never owning up to predicables, or even alibis.

Every ounce of me, this high, this ride, this rollercoaster endless side.

Is predestined to a dangerous to the almighty tide.

That fights against your faults, formulating ways to toss you aside.

Want a lesson profound as most, you must take the risk, this dose of lust.

That most often, others pass in fear of trust.

If ever I shall stay the same, I’ll pitch in my savings to play the game.

But must you know the cost of time, With someone meant as only a season, and then there’s the others.

All to keep you from your sense of reason. All sacrificed in honor of the lessons.

Tasha Geller

© Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, June 11, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller and http://www.billiejean.live, billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Chains

I guess I’m not allowed to have bad days, because being cheerful and bubbly all the time is how I’m suppose to be. I’m not allowed to have bad days.
I guess being tired is not something I’m allowed to be either. I’m 36. I’m young, vibrant, and healthy. I have my whole life to go out there to live. Who has time to rest? Being tired is not something I’m allowed to be.
I guess I’m not allowed to complain either. I should just be prim and proper and keep my mouth closed. Because saying how I feel just isn’t as important to you as your own feelings. I’m not allowed to complain.
I guess I’m not allowed to love. I am to be an independent, self reliant individual. Yet, stay in my lane at all times. Allowing you and only you to give yourself away emotionally to someone else. I’m not even allowed to love.
I guess I’m not allowed to dream. I’m suppose to be inspired, motivated, driven, and successful. Yet, setting goals and achieving them is impossible when they keep getting shot down by your constant need to be in control. I’m not allowed to dream.
I guess I’m not allowed to say goodbye. I’m suppose to be supportive, attentive, and reliable financially and emotionally no matter how bad it gets. Because I am such horrible person that no one would ever be able to love me like you do.  I’m not allowed to say goodbye.
Tasha Geller-Hollingshead
© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead 4/8/2018, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Declarations

Just know that I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

I can’t say I’ll never hurt you again or you will not hurt me. I’m adamant now that all the pain we’ve experienced is just like a storm, passing through but in the end bringing a calm and peaceful understanding. Every bone, every organ, and my entire soul in my body belongs to you my love. Even when there’s all those people that are shiny and new coming and going. Never will I neglect the responsibilities and the commitment we share. I understand other people are temporary and you are permanent. Never wanting to leave my side and always tuned in to my distractions. I can’t be mad at you for that. A true blessing you are… that I have taken for granted at different points on our journey. But those were only a momentarily misstep that was so insignificant on every level except one. That one thing being the realization that no one else in this world could ever compare to you. I think you have realized this too. It’s all going to be ok.

Commitment hit us like a natural piece of existence that’s always resided inside each of us. It was almost perfect before one of the windows looking into our lives shattered. All those empty spaces that have chased us relentlessly have been filled with different things. For me it was a betrayal that some would call minor. However, to me it could have been a means to an end. We were walking on a stretched out fine line of fake opportunities and living with unrealistic expectations. A little chaotic and cluttered those spaces were, but still it is ours to keep forever. Yet it was all merely distractions wouldn’t you agree? Over the years we have overcome all the barriers that we were presented with. There will be many more for this we should know and accept. For me, I will stand still, observe, and release. A lesson taken from my past and those mistakes that molded me into who I’m becoming on this new journey.

We have never been here before though. This intense, overpowering, and situational place. Loyalty has not been completely stripped, instead it’s taken on a whole new identity. We will no longer feel lost and wondering what if, or what was. Right? Did we learn this time, is it going to become what we know and live by? Was it all for nothing these struggles or was it everything we’ve been missing and needing to strengthen our bond?

I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Selena Gomez- Good for ya

Broken Waters

My ship is ready for me, I am leaving this recently fallen, unfamiliar country. I shall pick up my heavily stuffed suitcases filled with what’s left of my broken heart shards and these minimal belongings.

Standing here, I’m left wondering will my ship crash into the ocean, will I fall into the heavy waves while rain patters heavily down on my head. The thoughts of drowning, and my mouth sucking in the water, while the little amount of air is yanked from my lungs slowly. You see, this torturous death is all the same to me as my feelings were when abandonment set in, realization kicked into overdrive, when you walked out of my life.

Remember the note you left that I never read, well, I burned it in a metal coffee can on my front porch steps. It felt good watching the paper and ink shrink to ashes, then vanish into the air without a trace. The wind carrying it away with invisibility. The flames engulfing every thoughtless, emotional confession you felt you had to say. It saved me one more memory that I won’t have to look back on and feel this emptiness in the pit of my stomach. An explanation wasn’t what I wanted. I needed you. I needed your warm body next to mine. I needed your arms wrapped around me with endless hugs and late night talks. I needed your acceptance of me and everything my soul embodies.

Still, nothing means nothing, so I think I’ll abandon ship as well. For these broken waters, much like you, aren’t strong enough to carry me anyways.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Check out the video that set the vibe of this blog

Why do I

The fire burns brightly from the fireplace. I sit here on my lush couch with my knees pulled up to my face, caressing my chin. The tears fall slowly and quietly down my expressionless face. These walls though, they pay no mind to my emotions, as they play with the shadows dancing around, telling me their own story. They want me to know once again that’s it’s their moment. I don’t exist in this moment, it’s not my moment to take. They own the room. Like how you own all the walls that are built around my heart.

The memories come flooding into my mind like the hurricanes bring its massive waves, crashing into to the shores. Destroying everything in its path. The storm itself is peaceful at first, yet it leaves only destruction and chaos. Like the pain you left behind in place of our once upon a time warm embraces. It’s a bittersweet moment to be in. I am finding myself  reminiscing those times we would laugh, plot, and entertain into the nights when we knew all we had was each other. But, did we only have each other? Sitting on your lap, the wind blowing softly, I would run my fingers through your hair. Twirling my fingers through each and every strand. Knowing that touches the very soul that embodies your shell. You gave me a meaning, a reason to look forward to each day, that I could wake with you. Life was great wasn’t it? Breakfast in bed, making love under the sheets, even though we were already running late. The over powering stench of mouthwash fills the air that’s sucked into our mouths as we painted our lips together. Creating our own canvas. Hard to breathe, with our arms wrapped around and intertwined with each other. Sometimes, honestly, I still wake up and wish I could be right there next to you, wherever that may be.

My soul has been covered in blue since you went away. Waiting is not a game I play, or care to. I got so tired of fighting for you, wastefully with my time… And I know, we were destined to find our own ways without each other. But, this crack in my soul has had a hard time healing. I know deep inside though, that this will somehow end up being my biggest lesson. A beautiful flower, in this beautiful garden awaiting for me. Yet, the time it’s taking to do so is killing me slowly. It’s sucking every ounce of rebuilt energy away from me. I guess to strip me all the way down to the core, so it can grow my whole self into a better me. A better me without you.

So why do I? Why do I?

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 5th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check out the video used for the vibe of this blog.

The would be unfaithful wife

A letter from the to be unfaithful wife

I just want what I haven’t had before I think to myself. Is it so hard for you to reach across the table and touch my hand? Reach a little further below, maybe grace my leg with the presence of your hand. I can warm your hands up for you if you’re game. Will you reach into my space, violate my bubble, and torment my desires while bracing your inner courage to kiss me? Statements and questions I ask of you, to get you think about the possibility of being with me in ways you never wanted or craved before. Do you now though? Or have you always? Can you toy with the idea of being with someone that is already taken by someone else? Knowing she will never be yours completely. Only momentarily. Can you keep my secrets? Are you strong enough to realize this is a phase that will disappear before its started? You will be just a curiosity I need to explore. Something I know is bad for me and bad for the one I am suppose to love until death do us part. Yet, a taste of your neck and body on my mouth and lips, the stout, sharp, salty taste lingering on for hours after initial contact. Is it too much to pass up? Just the thought and imagery makes me feel things in my body that I can’t turn off anymore, I have lost all control. I don’t want it back. I want to explore an adventure that shows me what I’ve only ever dreamed about having with you.

Can you handle a good girl gone bad, a girl that’s waiting to be punished? For I do need to be punished so badly for having this lust in me burning like fire. Can your heart disconnect it’s strings from any emotions or attachments? Will you open your soul and reach into the darkest corners, pulling your desires to the surface to show me just how much I have been missing? Will you show me new things? Will you show me who you really are? Are you even capable of this challenge I put before you? Or does your moral compass tilt when you read this? Does an immediate guilt fall over you when you think of my face dancing circles around your lap? Should I put in my request now, or shall we let this drag out a little bit more? Am I reaching too far? Am I out of my lane? What will your decision be?

The dinner party

It all started around 5 pm for food and drinks. I sit by you of course. Is this too close for comfort, I’m thinking? Why should I torture myself sitting so close to you knowing deep down that this is as close as we will ever be. Your lack of response to my letter, and dismissal must mean you were appalled right? Halfway through dinner and only after a few drinks were thrown back, you glance at me and smile. It’s a smile I’ve never seen on you before. There’s something different, those sort of devious curves that wrapped around the corners of your mouth. At one point during dinner we were discussing things that disturb us. You look over at me laughing, while telling one of your experiences with an ex, and you touch me. You place your hand on my shoulder and squeeze it gently. This is out of the norm for you, as you aren’t one to touch anyone even those that are close to you. To top it all off, was when we were getting ready to leave, I gather all my things and head toward the door which is on the other side of you. You wrap your arm around my waist and pull me in brushing your body against mine sending chills down my back, all the while you’re acting as if you are trying to squeeze me by you to get me to the door. Seemingly innocent enough but no doubt out of character and unusual behavior on your behalf. After dinner we all decide that a bar is too smoky and crowded. So to your house it is. Some of our group attendees can’t come, but about 6 of us decided to move the party to your domain. We get to your house and put on some sultry, pop music and some of us start dancing, including myself. I let loose and dance in the dark corner by myself throwing myself into the music. Feeling the vibe, you get up to come next to me and dance. You don’t touch me at all. Just casually dance next to me. Locking eye contact with me, I see your shy side slowly melting away. That stare you are burning into my gaze. That look of yours. After the song ended I went to your bathroom, luckily for me it doesn’t have a lock on it. I use the bathroom and start washing my hands. You come in the door without knocking, you stand next to me as if you don’t know what your next move is. In a sense coming in the bathroom was enough to hint to me the next move would be on me. I grab you and sit you on the toilet, I wrap my hands around your hair locks, I stare at you and watch your expressions. I lean down and tilt your head up and put my mouth on your neck while tightening my grip around your throat. This passion is so strong that I can feel bolts of sharp vibrations shaking it’s way down to my waist and of course much below all the way down to my feet and toes. My legs begin to tremble, you stand up and push me against the wall and cover me and my shadow with your overpowering dominance. Realizing we can only do so much in this small bathroom, we peek out to ensure no one is around. We sneak into your bedroom. That moment and every detail will be forever engraved into my mind. That night was powerful and mighty, by far the best night of my life. Unexpected, but necessary I felt to put this tension between us behind and move on.

A week later

Little did I know moving on would mean you would leave me behind in the dust. I haven’t heard anything back from you since that night. All my text go ignored. You have completely disappeared from my life. Not so much as a hello, or had a great time, or a goodbye letter. No response. No comments. No initiation. You gave me what I was needing, what I was wanting. You showed me what true passion and salvation felt like. However, my spouse is no one to let anything get past her leading her to ask me why depression has fallen so deeply. Followed by why I haven’t mentioned your name or talked about you. I guess she always knew there was something between you and I. My silence is deafening to her ears. My expressions show all my indiscretions. The cold that overtook the room, leaving a ghostly feeling of betrayal. Darkness fell over the room. The heavy solid strike came out of no where, a blunt force trauma to my head. I lay on the ground, blood coming out from the side of my head and running down my left cheek. Everything is foggy, I feel dizzy, I am weak. My body lays limp and numb right there where she left me. Everything turns black and all life I had left in me begins to leave my body. A burglary she said to the men in uniform that came knocking down the doors after her 911 call. In this limbo part of this unknown world where nothing changes, and everything changes I relive our moment together on repeat. I suffer the same demise, the same fate following. It’s not until I wake up the next morning and realize it was all a dream thats showing me a sign, a fortune being told to me of the outcome of what having you in my life will bring.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 4th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Don’t forget to check out the video I picked to set the vibe for this blog.