Protected: The storyline behind my sex life with a parole officer

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements

Declarations

Just know that I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

I can’t say I’ll never hurt you again or you will not hurt me. I’m adamant now that all the pain we’ve experienced is just like a storm, passing through but in the end bringing a calm and peaceful understanding. Every bone, every organ, and my entire soul in my body belongs to you my love. Even when there’s all those people that are shiny and new coming and going. Never will I neglect the responsibilities and the commitment we share. I understand other people are temporary and you are permanent. Never wanting to leave my side and always tuned in to my distractions. I can’t be mad at you for that. A true blessing you are… that I have taken for granted at different points on our journey. But those were only a momentarily misstep that was so insignificant on every level except one. That one thing being the realization that no one else in this world could ever compare to you. I think you have realized this too. It’s all going to be ok.

Commitment hit us like a natural piece of existence that’s always resided inside each of us. It was almost perfect before one of the windows looking into our lives shattered. All those empty spaces that have chased us relentlessly have been filled with different things. For me it was a betrayal that some would call minor. However, to me it could have been a means to an end. We were walking on a stretched out fine line of fake opportunities and living with unrealistic expectations. A little chaotic and cluttered those spaces were, but still it is ours to keep forever. Yet it was all merely distractions wouldn’t you agree? Over the years we have overcome all the barriers that we were presented with. There will be many more for this we should know and accept. For me, I will stand still, observe, and release. A lesson taken from my past and those mistakes that molded me into who I’m becoming on this new journey.

We have never been here before though. This intense, overpowering, and situational place. Loyalty has not been completely stripped, instead it’s taken on a whole new identity. We will no longer feel lost and wondering what if, or what was. Right? Did we learn this time, is it going to become what we know and live by? Was it all for nothing these struggles or was it everything we’ve been missing and needing to strengthen our bond?

I’m right here. I know there were promises made. We decided to do this alone, but baby you’ll never be alone. I’m right here.

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Recommended video: Selena Gomez- Good for ya

Broken Waters

My ship is ready for me, I am leaving this recently fallen, unfamiliar country. I shall pick up my heavily stuffed suitcases filled with what’s left of my broken heart shards and these minimal belongings.

Standing here, I’m left wondering will my ship crash into the ocean, will I fall into the heavy waves while rain patters heavily down on my head. The thoughts of drowning, and my mouth sucking in the water, while the little amount of air is yanked from my lungs slowly. You see, this torturous death is all the same to me as my feelings were when abandonment set in, realization kicked into overdrive, when you walked out of my life.

Remember the note you left that I never read, well, I burned it in a metal coffee can on my front porch steps. It felt good watching the paper and ink shrink to ashes, then vanish into the air without a trace. The wind carrying it away with invisibility. The flames engulfing every thoughtless, emotional confession you felt you had to say. It saved me one more memory that I won’t have to look back on and feel this emptiness in the pit of my stomach. An explanation wasn’t what I wanted. I needed you. I needed your warm body next to mine. I needed your arms wrapped around me with endless hugs and late night talks. I needed your acceptance of me and everything my soul embodies.

Still, nothing means nothing, so I think I’ll abandon ship as well. For these broken waters, much like you, aren’t strong enough to carry me anyways.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Check out the video that set the vibe of this blog

Why do I

The fire burns brightly from the fireplace. I sit here on my lush couch with my knees pulled up to my face, caressing my chin. The tears fall slowly and quietly down my expressionless face. These walls though, they pay no mind to my emotions, as they play with the shadows dancing around, telling me their own story. They want me to know once again that’s it’s their moment. I don’t exist in this moment, it’s not my moment to take. They own the room. Like how you own all the walls that are built around my heart.

The memories come flooding into my mind like the hurricanes bring its massive waves, crashing into to the shores. Destroying everything in its path. The storm itself is peaceful at first, yet it leaves only destruction and chaos. Like the pain you left behind in place of our once upon a time warm embraces. It’s a bittersweet moment to be in. I am finding myself  reminiscing those times we would laugh, plot, and entertain into the nights when we knew all we had was each other. But, did we only have each other? Sitting on your lap, the wind blowing softly, I would run my fingers through your hair. Twirling my fingers through each and every strand. Knowing that touches the very soul that embodies your shell. You gave me a meaning, a reason to look forward to each day, that I could wake with you. Life was great wasn’t it? Breakfast in bed, making love under the sheets, even though we were already running late. The over powering stench of mouthwash fills the air that’s sucked into our mouths as we painted our lips together. Creating our own canvas. Hard to breathe, with our arms wrapped around and intertwined with each other. Sometimes, honestly, I still wake up and wish I could be right there next to you, wherever that may be.

My soul has been covered in blue since you went away. Waiting is not a game I play, or care to. I got so tired of fighting for you, wastefully with my time… And I know, we were destined to find our own ways without each other. But, this crack in my soul has had a hard time healing. I know deep inside though, that this will somehow end up being my biggest lesson. A beautiful flower, in this beautiful garden awaiting for me. Yet, the time it’s taking to do so is killing me slowly. It’s sucking every ounce of rebuilt energy away from me. I guess to strip me all the way down to the core, so it can grow my whole self into a better me. A better me without you.

So why do I? Why do I?

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 5th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check out the video used for the vibe of this blog.

The would be unfaithful wife

A letter from the to be unfaithful wife

I just want what I haven’t had before I think to myself. Is it so hard for you to reach across the table and touch my hand? Reach a little further below, maybe grace my leg with the presence of your hand. I can warm your hands up for you if you’re game. Will you reach into my space, violate my bubble, and torment my desires while bracing your inner courage to kiss me? Statements and questions I ask of you, to get you think about the possibility of being with me in ways you never wanted or craved before. Do you now though? Or have you always? Can you toy with the idea of being with someone that is already taken by someone else? Knowing she will never be yours completely. Only momentarily. Can you keep my secrets? Are you strong enough to realize this is a phase that will disappear before its started? You will be just a curiosity I need to explore. Something I know is bad for me and bad for the one I am suppose to love until death do us part. Yet, a taste of your neck and body on my mouth and lips, the stout, sharp, salty taste lingering on for hours after initial contact. Is it too much to pass up? Just the thought and imagery makes me feel things in my body that I can’t turn off anymore, I have lost all control. I don’t want it back. I want to explore an adventure that shows me what I’ve only ever dreamed about having with you.

Can you handle a good girl gone bad, a girl that’s waiting to be punished? For I do need to be punished so badly for having this lust in me burning like fire. Can your heart disconnect it’s strings from any emotions or attachments? Will you open your soul and reach into the darkest corners, pulling your desires to the surface to show me just how much I have been missing? Will you show me new things? Will you show me who you really are? Are you even capable of this challenge I put before you? Or does your moral compass tilt when you read this? Does an immediate guilt fall over you when you think of my face dancing circles around your lap? Should I put in my request now, or shall we let this drag out a little bit more? Am I reaching too far? Am I out of my lane? What will your decision be?

The dinner party

It all started around 5 pm for food and drinks. I sit by you of course. Is this too close for comfort, I’m thinking? Why should I torture myself sitting so close to you knowing deep down that this is as close as we will ever be. Your lack of response to my letter, and dismissal must mean you were appalled right? Halfway through dinner and only after a few drinks were thrown back, you glance at me and smile. It’s a smile I’ve never seen on you before. There’s something different, those sort of devious curves that wrapped around the corners of your mouth. At one point during dinner we were discussing things that disturb us. You look over at me laughing, while telling one of your experiences with an ex, and you touch me. You place your hand on my shoulder and squeeze it gently. This is out of the norm for you, as you aren’t one to touch anyone even those that are close to you. To top it all off, was when we were getting ready to leave, I gather all my things and head toward the door which is on the other side of you. You wrap your arm around my waist and pull me in brushing your body against mine sending chills down my back, all the while you’re acting as if you are trying to squeeze me by you to get me to the door. Seemingly innocent enough but no doubt out of character and unusual behavior on your behalf. After dinner we all decide that a bar is too smoky and crowded. So to your house it is. Some of our group attendees can’t come, but about 6 of us decided to move the party to your domain. We get to your house and put on some sultry, pop music and some of us start dancing, including myself. I let loose and dance in the dark corner by myself throwing myself into the music. Feeling the vibe, you get up to come next to me and dance. You don’t touch me at all. Just casually dance next to me. Locking eye contact with me, I see your shy side slowly melting away. That stare you are burning into my gaze. That look of yours. After the song ended I went to your bathroom, luckily for me it doesn’t have a lock on it. I use the bathroom and start washing my hands. You come in the door without knocking, you stand next to me as if you don’t know what your next move is. In a sense coming in the bathroom was enough to hint to me the next move would be on me. I grab you and sit you on the toilet, I wrap my hands around your hair locks, I stare at you and watch your expressions. I lean down and tilt your head up and put my mouth on your neck while tightening my grip around your throat. This passion is so strong that I can feel bolts of sharp vibrations shaking it’s way down to my waist and of course much below all the way down to my feet and toes. My legs begin to tremble, you stand up and push me against the wall and cover me and my shadow with your overpowering dominance. Realizing we can only do so much in this small bathroom, we peek out to ensure no one is around. We sneak into your bedroom. That moment and every detail will be forever engraved into my mind. That night was powerful and mighty, by far the best night of my life. Unexpected, but necessary I felt to put this tension between us behind and move on.

A week later

Little did I know moving on would mean you would leave me behind in the dust. I haven’t heard anything back from you since that night. All my text go ignored. You have completely disappeared from my life. Not so much as a hello, or had a great time, or a goodbye letter. No response. No comments. No initiation. You gave me what I was needing, what I was wanting. You showed me what true passion and salvation felt like. However, my spouse is no one to let anything get past her leading her to ask me why depression has fallen so deeply. Followed by why I haven’t mentioned your name or talked about you. I guess she always knew there was something between you and I. My silence is deafening to her ears. My expressions show all my indiscretions. The cold that overtook the room, leaving a ghostly feeling of betrayal. Darkness fell over the room. The heavy solid strike came out of no where, a blunt force trauma to my head. I lay on the ground, blood coming out from the side of my head and running down my left cheek. Everything is foggy, I feel dizzy, I am weak. My body lays limp and numb right there where she left me. Everything turns black and all life I had left in me begins to leave my body. A burglary she said to the men in uniform that came knocking down the doors after her 911 call. In this limbo part of this unknown world where nothing changes, and everything changes I relive our moment together on repeat. I suffer the same demise, the same fate following. It’s not until I wake up the next morning and realize it was all a dream thats showing me a sign, a fortune being told to me of the outcome of what having you in my life will bring.

Tasha Geller-Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, December 4th, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.live, http://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Don’t forget to check out the video I picked to set the vibe for this blog.

The Rantings of a Lesbian

Did I really just name the title of my blog that? I must be setting myself up for failure before I even begin. Will christians read it? Will my neighbor who hides from me or others like my neighbors read it or do they fear of catching lesbianism? Why must we react to labels? I sit here and ask myself why the name allad, breshad, or any name that sounds middle eastern makes me think terrorist almost immediately. Yea, I said it. Why when I see someone speaking Spanish, not any other language, but Spanish I think immigrant? I’m conditioned to think “that bastard is here working a job that an American can work”, but you won’t see me complaining when the Spanish guy is cooking my baby back ribs from Chilis while I sip my el presidente margarita and talk to my friends about the latest craze or what color a freaking dress is. Or when the “mexicans” that are catering my lawn services because I’m too lazy to get my ass out there and do it myself. Oh, but lets build a wall. Is it because I have a tiny brain and can’t think for myself. No. It’s because that is what is outlined in our main stream media. Stereotypes that are given to people that aren’t like the norm. We listen to those on the radio, television, youtube videos, Facebook, Twitter. It begins with the actors and actresses, the comedians, the journalist, and goes as far as those that are in the government. I mean look at this last election. It was all about tearing each other down, who can get one up on the next.  It’s literally everywhere around us in the whole world. But what is normal? Why are we conditioned to think this way? It all comes down to hate. Hate is a strong word, but if you really think about it, everything about stereotyping comes down to being different and we hate different don’t we? It scares us. What happens when you’re different? What happens when you wear glasses, you get called four eyed. Or you can’t hear, and wear hearing aids and you talk funny, you get called slow? Or have a different skin color that’s not white you get called spick or nigger or chinese, or even a terrorist? Why are we labeling people? Why are we killing each other? Why must we hate each other because we are different? We preach everyday to our children it’s ok to be different, different is unique, all while in front of them putting the next person down. I am no cake walk. I have faults just like everyone else. When someone upsets me, I start playing on their insecurities. It’s what we are taught, an automatic defense mechanism. What insecurities you might ask? Anything that points out how in fact different they are. And it works. Every time. Like being different is a bad thing. When people do it back to me, I get angry as well. Why? Why does it have to be like this?

I happened to be scrolling on Facebook the other day watching all kinds of videos about Donald Trump. Some people were for him, some were against him. All I could ask myself was why are people still pitting themselves and others up against our president. He is the leader of our free world now. It’s over. Why are you still hanging him out to dry and coming up with stuff to make him look horrible to our people of this country and other countries? Even if he is in fact a horrible person, or is he? Do you personally know him and hang out with him? Instead of trying to figure out a way to work WITH him, you figure out ways to get other people on your bandwagon to… hate him. Why do people gobble this kind of news up and enjoy it? When does tearing someone down make for good entertainment? What are we teaching our next generation? One of the videos I watched was Bill Maher speaking about “the Don” not letting anything go. Yet, he still talks about Donald and his failures as an elect and now as our president. I didn’t hear one solution or even him say, Don lets meet up and go over some things I think we could change for the better of our country. What happened to working together through our differences? Yet, I couldn’t stop watching it. I found it fascinating. So am I a hypocrite? Damn straight I am. But, I want to change. I want others to change too. I want to know about what is going on in other countries, I want to know whats going on in streets of my cities in my own country as well. I want to know how to stop world hunger, I want to be able to listen to a celebrity or comedian or even our president and actually look up to them and be inspired by them. I want people to put the money where their mouth is. You say homelessness makes you sad, yet you do nothing about it, you just sit in your big fancy house with your maids, “mostly immigrants” and eat better and fresher food than I have even seen in my lifetime. You say how unfair it is that people don’t get paid minimum wage or that it should be higher here in the U.S. yet you send all your clothes and fashion industry things overseas to those that get paid next to nothing. Because it makes your richer. Am I stereotyping famous  or rich people here. Yes I am. Because you guys stereotype us regular folks and even each other and spin it off as entertainment. It doesn’t feel that great does it? To be called out by a “regular” not rich, not even famous person. Yea, I am calling you out on your shit and the crap you put out there for everyone to watch, and read. The things you put in our children’s mind.

Why is it I find that the people who give the most, have less? Those that are the most selfless are homeless, or don’t come from much? It’s because they know what it’s like to suffer, and they don’t want to share that fate with others. They see the pain behind the eyes of a child that didn’t get to eat dinner last night and had to go to bed hungry. But oh hey let’s start drug testing the parents that are on welfare like it’s the childs fault that the parents or parent made the decision to smoke a joint. A natural grown plant that has been scientifically proven to help people with seizures, bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, among many other diseases. Why won’t this become legal everywhere in the United States? Is it because “big pharm” will lose too much money? Why do we care about corporations making more money than we care about how the taxes from this revenue can bring about better education and even free College? When will we start caring about ourselves more instead of how to let the rich get richer?

Our children are suffering now, they are growing up in a world where it’s not ok to be different. Bullying is at an all time high, and teenage suicide is higher than it’s ever been. Kids are getting killed. Shot, or blown up for being different. If you are teaching your children that it’s ok to be different, you are setting them up for failure. The world does not care anymore. The world does not embrace “being different”. The only thing the world cares about is power and money. Or the latest trend, because everyone is trying to fit it. No one is trying to be different anymore. The whole point of this blog is not to criticize, I just want to bring awareness to these small, simple facts. I want to point out the things, that we, for the sake of humanity, can begin to change, so that we may have a better world for our children to grow up in. I want to see change. Change for the better, if you are looking for where we can start. Let’s start here. Let’s start with being different is ok. Let’s start by building those up around us, not tearing them down.

Tasha Geller- Hollingshead

© Tasha Geller-Hollingshead, http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com, April 6, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tasha Geller-Hollingshead and http://www.billiejean.livehttp://www.billiejeandotlive.wordpress.com  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.